Combinations of factors have sparked my passion for business studies

What are the highlights and lowlights
what makes you impressed about this
what does not impress you about this
how can I make this better

In an essay of 300 words, or fewer write about your goals for your time at Queen's University and Beyond. Your answer will be evaluated for content and writing style.

Combinations of factors have sparked my passion for business studies including, international revelation through travel (visiting 13 countries in 5 continents), delegation in leadership conferences, and an ownership position in a small business. Queen's University gives a chance for their students to succeed academically while teaching students life skills. Should I be fortunate enough to be accepted to Queen's University I would continue extending myself outside the classroom by accessing a breadth of opportunities. Being a Queen's Commerce student gives access to the largest undergraduate business society in Canada. Volunteering for this society will not only put certain aspects of class to practice but also expand the skills I gained as a consultant and allow me to network with accomplished guest speakers. Further along my years I will apply knowledge learned in class and with the help of Queen's Work Study create opportunities. Queen`s makes it uncommon for a twenty year old to manage a pub whose revenue exceeds the millions at the age of 20. While helping myself I will also take up something that aids others, by transferring influential skills developed in my small business I will raise funds for Queen's Initiative campaign and help them reach their goal by 2016. In the third year exchange program I plan on studying in one of the BRIC countries to develop a universal network and open many doors in my future. With the help of the Business Career Centre I will plan for my future by participating in individual coaching, workshops, and mock interviews with alumni employed at top corporations. While raising funds to start my own business I will continue my education by striving to complete an EMBA.

Lastly, I would like to join the men and women who made a lasting impact in the field of commerce.

I know that they want to know about your goals but at the same time they receive these kind of essays all the time. So, be more descriptive and creative. Make it interesting to read maybe by using narrative? I like how you are detailed about which programs you are interested in. If you have visited the college then I'd use that experience as a narrative story and put all those goals in. Also, flatter the college. Talk about how beautiful the campus is or even something specific.