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"Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay


brandon 3 / 7  
Jul 16, 2009   #1
I started it and i believe it sounds ok, but i need to know how to expand it more to 250 words. I have 200 exactly right now.

One of the many issues I believe is facing a majority of youth today is the issue of not being able to focus on both their sports and grades. This issue is not just concerned with the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line. I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and they were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling , just for the fact I play football and can manage a 3.7 GPA. Really looking at this issue led me to think why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I say student athlete like this because I feel that school sports teams have forgotten about the student part, and only have the one goal of the athlete. The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing. These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but with a little more guidance I think they could of excelled a little more.

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 16, 2009   #2
"This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but to the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line."

"I think they could have excelled a little more."

just for the fact I play football and can manage a 3.7 GPA

You might want to elaborate on how you managed this, if you need more words.

These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but with a little more guidance I think they could of excelled a little more.

Or, you could talk more about how you think the school should help student-athletes. A study group would be one step, but that's a bit vague, so adding some specificity might be a good idea.
OP brandon 3 / 7  
Jul 17, 2009   #3
Thanks for the feed back, and i made the corrections and added more. I just need it looked over again.

One of the many issues I believe is facing a majority of youth today is the issue of not being able to focus on both their sports and grades. This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line. I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and they were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling , just for the fact I play football and can manage a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that the sports world was fun, but the more importantly my education would get me farther .Really looking at this issue led me to think why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I say student athlete like this because I feel that school sports teams have forgotten about the student part, and only have the one goal of the athlete. The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing. These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but with a little more guidance I think they could of excelled a little more. I think that to resolve issues like this schools should implement mandatory study groups for all students involved in extracurricular activities. This would probably not just not help the kids in the classroom, but in their sport as well. I believe that if schools looked at this issue a little more seriously, there would be a lot more successful scholar-athletes.

Thanks for the help!!!
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 17, 2009   #4
As Sean said, it's "could have" not "could of."

Where does this common error come from?

could have = could've

"could've" sounds like "could of"

But, again, it is "could have -- "could of" makes no sense and marks the writer as poorly skilled.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Jul 17, 2009   #5
One of the many issues I believe is facing a majority of youth today is the issue of not being able to focus on both their sports and grades.

^The issue is already about an important issue. So starting off with 'one of the many issues' is quite lame.
'A majority of the youthful today do not focus on both sports and academia'

This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line. I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and theythus were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling , just for the factas I play football and can manage a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that the sports world was is fun, but the more importantly my education would get me farther .

^How can education get you further than sports? Perhaps you should develop on that, because for some people, sports is everything and more of a priority than their academics...especially if they plan and base a career around sports.

Really looking at this issue led me to think why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I say student athlete like this because I feelbelieve that school sports teams have forgotten about the student part, and only have the one goal of the athlete.concentrate on their athlete's goals.

The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing academically .
^I did not know that all coaches are teachers. Yes, teachers in sports, but I did not know that all coaches specialised in another topic of study.

These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but with a little more guidance I think they could of excelled a little more.

I think that to resolve issues like this schools should implement mandatory study groups for all students involved in extracurricular activities. This would probably not just not help the kids in the classroom, but in their sport as well.

^Really? How?

I believe that if schools looked at this issue a little more seriously, there would be a lot more successful scholar-athletes.
^Maybe. But, supposing the athlete was 90 percent committed to sports, and 10 percent committed to studying, if these schools intervened, and made the ratios from 9:1 to perhaps a, 7:3, then these athletes are losing their athletic competitive advantage. What if these kids were not good in studies to begin with, and now still have relatively poor grades, even though these grades have improved but are not the athletes they were...oopsie..

*Should schools really be interfering with how students manage their independent study? Or should students know how much to study independently?
I am just offering my views, however, you can say whatever you want. It is your essay afterall
OP brandon 3 / 7  
Jul 17, 2009   #6
i corrected further and am posting an updated copy with new revisions.

A majority of youthful today do on focus on both sports and academia. This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line. I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and thus were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling , as I play football and can manage a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that the sports world is fun, but my education would get me further .Really looking at this issue led me to think why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I believe that school sports teams have forgotten about the student aspect, and only concentrate on the athlete's goals. The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing academically. These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but with a little more guidance I think they could have excelled a little more. Schools have to at least offer some programs for athletes struggling with grades so that they can choose to get the help if they want it. Just by offering a study program for athletes they can wean out the athletes that don't care about there academics and the ones that are actually struggling. I believe that if schools offered programs to study to their athletes there would be a lot less failing and a lot more success.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Jul 17, 2009   #7
Hmm I made some mistakes earlier.

This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line.
^By the way, I do not really get this sentence. What do coaches have to do with this exactly?

I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and thus were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling ,as; I play football and can managehave managed a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that whilstthe sports world isare fun, but my education wouldcan get me further .

^Further where? What finish line are we talking about here? I asked you about this before...

Really looking at this issue led me to thinkask why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I believe that school sports teams have forgotten about the student aspectthe academic aspect , and only concentrate on the athlete's goals. The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing academically. These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but. with a little more guidance I think they could have excelled a little more. Schools have to at least offer some programs for athletes who are struggling with their grades so that theythese students can choose to get the help if they want it. Just by offering a study program for athletes,they can wean out the athletes that don't care about there academics and the ones that are actually struggling. I believe that if schools offered programs to study to their athletes there would be a lot less failing and a lot more success.

I highlighted parts that have mistakes or parts that I am unclear as to what you were trying to say. I highlighted the last line, because I think it needs revision on your part. I do not know what exactly you are trying to say here, because you are not clear in terms of what failing and success is. I presume you mean academically, but it could also be at life. Yes. People can fail life lol.

You also need to realise that studies are not everything. For some people, sports actually are their life, and they excel at sports rather than studies because they want to base their career around sports. I am sure that Christiano Ronaldo would not be getting his monster salary at Real Madrid if he was not a football player, and opted to study instead and get a career.

*Football/soccer. I call it football :)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 17, 2009   #8
"A majority of youthful today do on focus on both sports and academia." Huh? The extra "on" here is confusing. Did you meant "not"? Or did you just forget to delete it when you were revising?
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 18, 2009   #9
And are you really sure that's true for a majority of youth? Many students say "the majority" or "most" without really checking to see if that's true. You don't need to assert that something is of concern to "everybody" or "the majority" in order to establish the importance of your topic. In your case, you're writing about something that probably is of concern to the majority of student athletes but probably not of concern to the majority of youth overall. In general, be careful and precise when asserting numbers.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 18, 2009   #10
It isn't even that difficult to check. Many (the majority, even?) of search engines can be used to track down statistical info, and one, Wolfram Alpha, is even designed for just that purpose. Plus, you can get some hilarious answers if you ask it the right questions. My favorite is "Are you skynet?"
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Jul 18, 2009   #11
"A majority of youthful today do on focus on both sports and academia." Huh? The extra "on" here is confusing. Did you meant "not"? Or did you just forget to delete it when you were revising?

^I did suggest 'not' in my revision. I guess Brandon did not want to use my suggestion.

And are you really sure that's true for a majority of youth?

^That is what even I thought. However, Brandon seems to be really focused talking about how this may be the case and uses rather subjective language to try and convince his readers. I made points about this, however he has not made any change content wise. I presume it is because, he firmly believes this. He is entitled to as well, however, it is also up to him to decide how accurate he wants his statements to be.


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