Freshman applicant prompt
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Where I come from does not define who I am. I come from a loving home in Richmond, California, a town with diversity but a bad reputation. A person who happened to stroll down the neighborhood would call it "ghetto" since there are many gangs, and shootings out here. It is also located right next to Oakland, California, which happens to be the third most dangerous city in the United States.
My parents came here when they were 18 years old with nothing but the clothes on their back. They managed to rent out a small garage and that was where I spent the first two years of my life. Everyday I watched as my parents came home exhausted from working so many hours for so little pay, but they always managed to buy me whatever I needed. For the last fifteen years my parents struggled with paying off our house, bills, and even an immigration lawyer and all I could do was watch. In one instance when I was only 7, my parents had to take me to a courthouse on a school day because no one could take me to school or pick me up. I wish I would have went to school because that day I witnessed the brave man known as my father turn into a terrified stranger.
The neighborhood and elementary school I attended did not help. My aunts and uncles would warn my parents that I would become a rebellious child if I attended that school, but my parents laughed at them and said, "The school isn't bad,its the students." That quote has stuck with me for as long as I could remember. The elementary, middle school, and high school I attended did not affect me even if they had bad reputations. I always came out on top of the class, just to make my parents proud and that all their hard work put on me and my studies was not put to waste.
I promised myself that if I could go to college, get a well-paying job and provide for my parents so that they would never lift a finger, I would. To this day I watch my mother come home with the same melancholy expression because she could not spend the day with her children, "All I do is come home and watch them sleep, and leave the next morning before they even wake up."My mother always told me to work hard in school so I wouldn't have to work hard on my feet for the rest of my life, so that is exactly what I did. My goals and dreams were always based off of watching how much my parents had to work just to put food on the table.
Jennifer, the essay does not sound like it has already ended. There was no real sentence at the end to signify the end of the essay. I also have a piece of advice for you, don't spend so much time talking about your parents experience as illegal immigrants unless you can find a way to relate it to the life lessons that have helped shaped your ambitions and dreams for the future. The essay itself is not bad. It just needs to be edited for improvement. For example, that day at the courthouse, you said you witnessed your father become a terrified stranger. Expand upon that and the impact that experience had on you. How does it relate to your current dreams and ambitions? Also, you need to go further than just saying that your dreams and aspirations have been shaped by your parents struggle to put food on the table. Dig deeper into yourself. How did the life struggle of your parents truly impact your dreams and ambitions? How do you see yourself in the future owing your your parents and your past life experiences? Revise the essay and I will do my best to help you get it to answer the prompt requirements.
