I come from a multicultural household / Describe your world

Prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

This is a draft and I feel that it's kinda all over the place :///
I'm hoping for some feedback and I would appreciate some critique :)

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I come from a multicultural household as the daughter of a Korean mother and a Filipino father, both born and raised in their respective homelands, with family lineage tracing back to China and Spain. Despite the fact that both my parents' first languages are not English, it is my primary language. Because of this, I became a source for learning and/or practicing English.

It started with translating things for my mother. Unlike my father, my mother came from a totally non-English speaking country. When she met my father, she spoke very little English and by the time I started school it had gotten better, but she still had a hard time with the language. I felt that it was my duty as the oldest child, and the only other Korean-speaking member of our family, to be her personal translator. She had also started studying English and was learning basically the same things I was. Of course, I understood the material quicker than she did, but I always helped her, teaching her the things that my teacher had taught me.

In middle school, my mother asked me if I was interested in making a new friend. What was she talking about? Why would I need a new friend? I already had plenty of friends. She explained to me that she knew someone whose daughter was studying English and without much hesitation, I agreed to meet this girl. The reason she wanted to meet with me was that she did not want to learn English solely from a textbook. She wanted to learn conversational English and so for months we met up on weekend and just talked. I would correct her grammar or teach her new vocabulary here and there.

During my freshman and sophomore year, I was asked to take on a new task. This time, I was asked to be a private English tutor to four elementary school students. Unlike my two previous "students", my four new ones knew no English, whatsoever. They barely knew their own language, let alone a foreign one. This was much more difficult at first and I found myself struggling to figure out what I was supposed to do. The parents had already purchased English learning books and the children had homework from school, and so I used those to teach them. After a while though, I found that they were not learning much. So I put away the books and switched to the method I knew best; communication. Rather than reading things straight from their textbooks I just talked to them. They struggled with their words and were very shy about talking in this foreign language, but as time passed, I saw progresses. They became more courageous and threw out the English that they thought would explain their ideas. They made the effort to use all the words they had learned and I was there to help them make their thoughts into English words.

Language is something that is just so interesting. It is just so powerful that is brings people together. Though at first it was an obligation, teaching English became sort of a hobby. As time went on, this hobby became a potential career choice.

First of all, I'd definitely change "and/or" to just "and."

I think it might help to change the second sentence of your second paragraph to "When she met my father, she spoke very little English, and by the time I started school she still had a hard time with the language." It still implies that she had gotten better.

Maybe change the second line of the third paragraph to "[...] daughter was studying English, so without much hesitation, I agreed to meet this girl."

In the last paragraph, I think you should make it a bit more of a progression to how language started as a necessity, then a hobby, then due to how interesting it is, a potential career (I would say "career" instead of "career choice").

As for being "all over the place," I don't think it's bad at all. You might just consider adding a transitional sentence at the end of your paragraphs to help the flow a bit, but overall, I think the progression is clever.

Hello,

I think this is a great essay. Your topic is unique and refreshing. I would really add a punch to this essay by talking about how you discovered that by using your talents(Multi-lingual), you were able to help others and how this not only allowed you to think of translation as a possible career choice but also has shaped who you are in terms of being able to work with others, facilitate groups, projects etc by understanding the strengths and weaknesses of all those involved. Once you add this element, this essay should be a 10/10. -AAO

Hope this helps.

Sorry for the late reply DDD:
Thank you so much for the feedback though. It really helped :)

Hi!
I think apart from a few minor grammatical errors, your essay is quite well written. Good work.

Also,
admission2012, I beg you!!! Please review my essay as well.

essayforum.com/undergraduate-essays-2/cornell-computer-engineering-und ergraduate-essay-please-help-45655/

Thanks.

Hi,
I read your essay in full and it's really very impressive;


I like this sentence very much.


Great ending :)
I too feel, you should include a line or two to show them how you developed many other important life skills through teaching English to others. Naturally, you may have learned to be more patient, tolerating, convincing etc.etc. ... Good Job!