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"I come prepared very well academically" - UF Application Essay


stuygator 1 / 1  
Jul 23, 2009   #1
With UF & FSU receiving 30,000 plus applications yearly I am wondering if my essay will even be looked at unless I am on the borderline. Don't think I am a borderline case, but being out of state I am aware that I may be judged by different standards than Florida applicants..."Admissions officers at most Florida universities rarely read entire applications. Some spend as little as four minutes on a file before single-handedly deciding an applicant's fate."

Thus not sure if I should spend anymore time on this essay. UF's prompt is "In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship, or a call to service. "

Essay:

I remember getting the note first period to meet with my guidance counselor and was trying to figure out why he wanted to meet with me. My grades were good, my test scores were in and put me in the 99 percentile (790 Math etc), I had finally gotten Mr. P to write a recommendation letter, my books were turned in and I was blank. I saw him after school and he advised me that I had completed all the requirements for graduation as a junior and had earned New York's highest regents degree with honors. If I wanted to start college now and pass on my senior year I could do it.

I have been in accelerated competitive entrance schools since the first grade and took high school courses in the 8th grade at Delta which put me ahead for graduation. My Stuyvesant load has been all academic and I have not taken any non-academic courses. My electives have all been in computer science and they are killers for time and homework. In short, I have known what I was doing and getting ready to major in computer science in college was my goal, not graduating early.

My dreams and passions are football and computer science and I have been almost totally focused upon these activities in and out of school. Fortunately I have had lots of success with my programming activities and computer science courses but football is another matter. I was born with strabismus and scoliosis and have had two eye operations that left me with limited depth perception and peripheral vision issues. While my vision has improved over the year, it still leaves a lot to be desired for football. My hand eye coordination is pretty bad. Add to this inability to see the ball until it is upon me, my back issues and history of injuries and you can understand my mom's enthusiasm for early graduation.

I could look at my lack of football success and injuries and write off my goals and get down in the dumps but that is not the kind of person I am. I am an optimist and know that my senior year at Stuyvesant will be big as will my college career at UF. I am going to have a great senior year and I will put the hours needed to succeed both athletically and academically. And whatever happens I know I will have made the right decision. It's easy to make decisions when your goals are clear.

I will add to UF's freshman class in many ways as I come prepared very well academically and with a real passion for computer science. I am prepared to contribute and work with my peers. Most of all I am not afraid of hard work and discouragement as I have had my share. I have a way of turning negatives into positives.
sweets13087 2 / 8  
Jul 23, 2009   #2
This essay is well written, if anything you could expand on your success and experience with computer science a little more. Other than that I feel that this essay is really good.
OP stuygator 1 / 1  
Jul 23, 2009   #3
Thank you. I originally had a paragraph on my computer science accomplishments but dropped as I ran up against word limit and I had covered these in honors and awards section of UF application. Also covered computer science courses in depth a second section of UF application.

Have listed all the computer science courses taken (6) and have a 4pt average in all courses. AP 5 score in computer science and won internship in computer systems department of major NYC corporation last summer (all other interns were college students...only high school student in group) Program in ruby & pearl etc.

Will rethink adding a line or two. Again thanks for reading and your assistance and thoughts on improving draft.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 24, 2009   #4
I like the engaging introduction, but the essay then becomes dull. If you know that you may lose the reader at any moment, what can you do to make sure that he or she keeps reading?

(1) Concise, direct sentences without any superfluous words.
(2) Active voice; action verbs.
(3) Vivid images.

Go!


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