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I come from a small but modern city in Asia called Hong Kong - personal statement UW-Madison


ochan072 1 / -  
Sep 7, 2014   #1
Hello!:) I am applying to UW-Madison and below is my personal statement. All corrections and comments will be appreciated!!
Thank you very much for your help!

Three years ago, I made the most meaningful decision that I have ever made and it had changed my life. I come from a small but modern city in Asia called Hong Kong. It was the city that I used to think that it was my whole world, a place that I would spend most of my life in. So, I decided to do something special, I joined an exchange program and went to Germany for a year.

When I first arrived in Germany, everything seemed so different to me. There were no skyscrapers, the people around me were all strangers and I didn't understand the language. It was frightening to me, I regretted of the immature decision that I've made but my parents' expectation on me were the motivation that helped me overcome everything. Therefore, I carried my braveness and challenged my limits. I met exchange students and volunteers from all over the world, we exchanged cultures, shared our experiences and encouraged each other. I learnt that to communicate with others was not only about the language, more importantly, we need to be sincere. To be away from my beloved ones was not easy also and there were time that I felt lonely and sad, but I learnt to be open and share my feelings with the new friends that I made. This year had changed my life because I had the opportunity to explore the bigger world and understood that life is full of limits, but I must not stop trying to exceed them. Then, I have chosen to continue my education in the USA in order to explore the world even more. During my exchange year, I have gained life-long experiences and discovered the courageous and adventurous side of me. It wasn't just a year in my life, instead, it's a life in a year.

I look to UW-Madison for its unparalleled reputation in terms of the quality of students, faculty and education as well as great potential for intellectual growth, challenge and cultivation of leadership qualities. I believe that the privilege of attending UW-Madison would allow me to make use of the skills that I attained in my past experiences and will contribute to my success in the future. I am confident that my presence will enrich the UW-Madison community. Please consider me for admission.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 7, 2014   #2
This is a very solid personal statement that clearly defines your character and its strengths and weaknesses. You obviously gave great thought as to how you wanted to present yourself on paper and it came through brilliantly. I spotted some grammatical errors and punctuation errors so I decided to point it out to you. I also tried to enhance some of your sentence for thought clarity. I hope you don't mind :-)

It was the city that I used to think that it was my whole world,

the people around me wereall strangers and I didn't understand the language

It was frightening to me,

- ...frightening for me...

I regretted of the immature decision that I've made but my parents'expectation on me were the motivation that helped me overcome everything.

- ... expectations of me were all the motivation I needed to overcome...

Therefore, I carried my braveness and challenged my limits.

- So I told myself that I needed to be brave and challenge myself when it came to my limitations.

I met exchange students and volunteers from all over the world, we exchanged cultures,

- the world . We ...

I learnt that to communicate with others was not only about the language, more importantly, we need to be sincere.

- I learned that communicating with others required not only being able to speak the same language, but sincerity as well.

To be away from my beloved ones was not easy also and there were time that I felt lonely and sad, but I learnt to be open and share my feelings with the new friends that I made .

- Being away from my loved one was not easy. I felt lonely and sad. But by learning to open myself up to other people, I made friends and experienced other things that helped me overcome my sense of homesickness.

hen, I have chosen to continue my education in the USA in order to explore the world even more.

- It was that realization that led me to challenge myself to study in the U.S. This will be another chance to learn and explore another part of my world.

During my exchange year, I have gained life-long experiences and discovered the courageous and adventurous side of me. It wasn't just a year in my life, instead, it's a life in a year.

- If I learned anything else during my exchange year, it was that life-long experiences can only be gained by leaving your comfort zone. Learning is all about adventures, challenges, and courage to try the unknown. This was a new side of myself that I had only begun to discover. This was no longer just a year in my life. It was my life over a year. /

Ilook to UW-Madison for its unparalleled reputation in terms of the quality of students, faculty and education as well as great potential for intellectual growth, challenge and cultivation of leadership qualities .

- I hope to continue my life adventures at UW-Madison because of the university's reputation for friendly students, a caring faculty, and high educational standards. I know that I will be challenged in terms of intellectual growth and my potential as a leader will be further challenged in order to enhance my personal qualities.


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