Can anyone please review my essays? Thanks in advance!!!!!
Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My premature world was precipitated and determined ever since the day ten years ago when my parents left me with our relatives in China to seek for a better life. It was my parents' need s to stay in a foreign land until they obtained the ultimate reward - green card, and it was my grandparents' intentions to keep me in China as long as it was possible to root me in our culture. As harsh as the separation itself at such young age, it took me another six years to see their faces again. Although, I have never admitted this to anyone, through this opportunity I am able to reveal that, the world that shaped the person who I am today was entirely formed over those years of separation, which I was devastated by despair, rejuvenated by love, and reinforced by hope.
I have been told since little that the reasons for my separation with my parents were thoroughly considered. I was told that we did it for the future of our family, in which inevitably intertwines with the future of my education, career, and life. Although, I nodded at my parents at the age of eight just to indicate my superficial understanding of their purposes, deep inside I was afraid, scared, and obviously unready.
In the following six years of course, my aunt became my temporary guardian. As much as my parents did, I tried everything I could to make things work. Nonetheless, I gradually became aware of the financial disputes between my parents and my aunt. In the name of maturity, such was my duty to secure our relationships. Knowing that I was too young to have any kinds of job, I decided to relief our financial tensions by saving my daily allowance, and used the cumulative savings to pay school registration fees and daily products. Along with my personal financial management, I received a fifteen dollar scholarship by winning my fourth grade state math competition and bought a new pair of shoes for my aunt. I believe these additional contributions from my part definitively sustained our lives better and longer than we have imagined.
Have I ever blamed my parents for leaving me behind at such young age? Have I ever lost the courage to live separately and drown myself in the pool of tears in a sleepless night? More than you could imagine. However, in order minimized the years of separation with my parents, which was by stop distracting their work with my problems; it became apparent for me to turn the pains into a motivating force and excel academically and socially.
As I became older, I realized the feeling of love and pains for my parents and me from those six years of separation are reasonably reciprocal. Although, my parents have never admitted this in front of me, I knew from the bottom of my heart that they have suffered as much, if not more than I have. Although as a child, I wouldn't be able to understand their suffering until one day I become the father of my children and hopefully be able to truly realize their pains.
As I hope this essay reveals, I'm independent, mature, and motivated enough to be in your school to pursue my next four years of college study.
I have to get rid of the first 2 adjectives because they do not really make sense in the sentence:
My premature world was precipitated and determined (You should replace these with 1 good adjective that tells what you really mean) ever since ...
... entirely formed over those years of separation, during which I was devastated by despair, rejuvenated by love, and reinforced by hope.---brilliant sentence!
That last paragraph seems too short. I wish you would write more about your specific goals... the skills you want to learn and the kind of work you want to do. Be specific.
I have been told since little I was little that...
You write very well!! I hope you visit essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.
:-)
