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My essay about coming to America (Is my topic too overused?)


agasamsoon3 1 / 2  
Nov 25, 2009   #1
I woke up at 4a.m. and shook my brother who was sleeping next to me. "Let's wrestle," I said. "Okay," my brother replied casually without any show of drowsiness. In a small room crammed with two beds that carried a foreign odor, we got to our starting positions. All the ritual, its rule, and its fierceness were the same except for the setting. When I grabbed my brother's leg to trip him, Mom, also experiencing insomnia, came to our room, and we danced to our favorite Korean music through the night.

My first jetlag led me to an unplanned all-nighter. Nevertheless, the sleepless night did not stop me from exploring South Point, my first residence in the United States. In the morning, I went outside to the narrow hallway and breathed in the air of the square enclosed by the apartment buildings. I saw a few cars, palm trees, a swimming pool, and wall fences. Over the fences, I saw the endless sky touching the horizon of Texas; it seemed distant and unattainable. Between my previous life and my new life to come, I was to hibernate with no means of transportation and no friend to visit.

Another woman whose husband had just transferred from South Korea to the Rio Grande Valley visited us. My brother and I asked her to make curry with us and surely we did, for she seemed almost thankful to have found a task to occupy her mind and feel important, while my mom surrendered to weariness and was fast asleep. After cooking and eating, my brother and I went to the swimming pool and walked around its edges, pretending to drown each other. When I heard a dog barking outside the fence, my face lighted up. "I bet there are Americans living right behind this fence," I claimed. The wall, almost six feet tall, was covered with gargantuan cacti I had never seen before. I tried to look for a way to peep through the wall to look at the dog, but the unsympathetic concrete wall did not comply. I piled up rocks and jumped on them but resulted in no success. 'Can I ever overcome this wall?' I wondered. The wall for me had meant more than a mere physical barrier.

Five years later, I visited South Point again. The apartment which was the world to me at the time seemed incredibly small and nearly dilapidated. The wall, my obstacle at the time, restricted me no more. Like a baby attempting to take a first step, I had fallen countless times in the past five years before succeeding in standing up. Finally, I have befriended English and American culture and proved that my boundaries were unlimited.

Freely being engaged in my school, community, and the world, I have learned to overcome challenges with belief in myself. Whenever diffidence tries to creep on me, I remind myself of what Audrey Hepburn once said: "Nothing is impossible; even the word itself says 'I'm possible!'"

I've written this one for supplemental purposes. Some people think this essay doesn't really show who I am, and the topic is overused! Please let me know what you think. Thank you all in advance! :D
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Nov 26, 2009   #2
...Mom, who was experiencing insomnia, came to our room...

...and breathed in the air of the square courtyard, enclosed by the apartment buildings.

AnotherA woman whose husband had just transferred...

When I heard a dog barking outside the fence, my face lit up.

The wall, for me, had meant more than a mere...
OP agasamsoon3 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2009   #3
Thanks for correcting my error!

I would still like to know if this topic is too overused...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2009   #4
...fence," I exclaimed .

All The ritual, its rules , and its ferocity were the same except for the setting.

I suggest cutting most of the first paragraph, because it does not go with the topic. Your first paragraph should introduce the idea of climbing over a wall that symbolizes a cultural barrier. You mention that later in the essay, and it is a good metaphor. At the start, tell the reader that you had a profound experience when crossing the wall that was between you and this new society. The topic will not be too "overused" if you describe the details of the experience as it occurred for you. But at the beginning and end of the essay, write about crossing over the wall that was between you and your future as part of America's society and history.
rohi92 - / 6  
Nov 27, 2009   #5
Quite honestly, I really enjoyed your essay. It does need a little fine tuning here or there (but doesn't everyones!). About whether or not your topic is overused, I say don't worry about it. Each person's experience is unique and because your essay is enjoyable I think you shouldn't worry about it.

One thing I do want to mention to you is to be more specific of the time period in which this takes place. I wasn't really sure how old you were in the beginning of the essay and subsequently how old you were towards the end when you were reflecting (which is important). You might have mentioned it, I'm not sure, I just didn't catch it.

Hope this helps! Please take a look at my essay if you get the chance.
OP agasamsoon3 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2009   #6
Thank you for all the corrections and suggestions! I'll definitely try revising my essay w/using the metaphor of climbing the wall. And I'm glad you enjoyed it :D

If anyone has more suggestions or edits, I'll surely appreciate them :]


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