Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
ï What one word describes me best and captures my most important personal quality? Why is this appropriate word to describe me?
Any feedback or suggestions would greatly be appreciated. Thank you!
My greatest accomplishment would have to be coming out of my excessive shy stage. When I was in seventh grade, I used to be so shy; I would get speechless whenever I had to speak out loud in front of large audiences. Coming out of my glossophobia stage was hard, but it gave me dignity.
I can recall one incident when I had to present my eukaryotic cell display in seventh grade to the entire class. When I walked up in front of the classroom and all eyes were on me, my heart began racing while my palms got all sweaty. I stood there like a statue for at least ten minutes before my teacher; Ms.Walls asked if I were okay. I shook my head nervously with a look of fear in my eyes; and at that very moment, she had decided to send up one of my friends to help me present my display. This incident has traumatized me for such a long time. Once I started eighth grade, I made a decision that it was time for me to stop being so glossophobic.
The accomplishment of coming out of my intense shy stage makes me proud because through that experience I gained dignity, and with that dignity I also gained self ï confidence. This accomplishment relates to the person that I am because now I have a personality that is outgoing. I am loquacious and interactive with others around me. Due to this accomplishment, I can now speak in front of large crowds without any restraints.
One word that describes me best and captures my most important personal quality would have to be the word humble. I know that no matter how talented I am there is almost always someone who can do something better than I can. I look at those who are better than I am in something to remind myself that I am not the best, while still considering improvements I need to make. I accept compliments and insults in a mature way; I work hard to help others, because I want to, not to receive praise. I have learned through this accomplishment how to accept myself and my talents without feeling insecure that I need to boast about them.
You simply made the decision to stop being glossophobic. Woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to stop being afraid." That's an impressive talent in of itself! Freeing oneself from counterproductive habits is usually met with hardship (i.e., gradual change).
In addition, it seems as if your essay is divided into two sections: public speaking and humbleness. I think you skipped one question, "What one word describes me best and captures my most important personal quality?" Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't this one word relate to the aforementioned personal quality (i.e., able to speak freely in public)? How does "humble" capture this "most important personal quality" of yours?
Thank you and you are exactly right! I need to revise my essay a lot, but if I were to use another word to describe me, what would that be? I used humble because I feel that I am very humble. But your feedback is greatly appreciated!
Here are a few suggestions to help you brainstorm: cordial, loquacious, resolute, and inquisitive.
I think that you need to revise the intro a lot . You need to make it attention grabbing, seeing as how adcomms read thousands of these things.
I would suggest eliminating the first paragraph and using the second paragraph as the intro to draw the reader in and then describe how your overcoming this challenge was your great accomplishment. You also need to show more than tell how you overcame your obstacle and the results of overcoming it, like an example of how you gave a powerful speech or something to that effect. You have a great story you just need to develop and edit it more
