Well, this is supposed to be 150 words, but mine is 279 words. I need to condense it. Please comment on the content. Is it too boring? Does it make sense? Does it answer the prompt? Please critique!! Any help is greatly welcomed. Also, do you guys have any idea how to revise this sentence: In that instant, I became aware of the true spirit of the game. I'm not too fond of that sentence. Thank you all in advance. =)
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).
"Sub! Sub!," my coach screamed impatiently at the referee. The referee glared at him and slowly executed the desired substitution. Suddenly, the coach turned around, and quickly scanned each of the bench players. Noticing his intent, I instantly looked down, clearly avoiding his eyes. This was my first volleyball game, and although I was convinced that I would not be an active player this match, I shut my eyes and hoped that my number would not be called. "21 for 3!," my coach shouted, after what seemed like hours of deliberation. 21?! Alarmed, I looked up at my coach, whose stern gaze offered no explanation. "Let's go," the referee barked. A white "Tachikara" ball met my sweaty palms, while my trembling knees made their way past the 9m line. I had only been involved with the sport for a mere 3 weeks, yet the coach had given me the task of executing the serve. I precariously glanced at my teammates, whose smiles and nods offered me assurance. Briefly, I glimpsed over the girls on the bench, and a wave of cheers exploded across the court. A rush of confidence fed my anxiety, and a smile escaped my lips. In that instant, I became aware of the true spirit of the game. In three short weeks, I had obliviously made many friends - ones who eagerly cheered my name for the sole purpose of offering me condolence. Determination burned in my eye, and strength surged through my arms. I threw the ball up in the air, tightened my wrist, and smacked it with all the power I could. Silence enveloped the court. The point was ours and the game was sealed.
I think its is a good topic but it should be a litte longer and not any shorter.
I really liked it! The story is meaningful, clear, and very fluid. The only problem is the world limit.
Although the details of the narrative make it more realistic and interesting, some of it is unnecessary in a prompt that is so short. The main focus should be the ending, so I think it would be fine to slim down the beginning. Some complete sentences can be taken out and the story would be just as meaningful and amazing!
Great writing skills. I envy you! :)
Wow. Thanks to both of you. I feel much better about this now. Thanks for your encouraging words tofu! =)
I think u can shorten the beginning.
From "Noticing his intent, I instantly looked down, clearly avoiding his eyes. This was my first volleyball game, and although I was convinced that I would not be an active player this match, I shut my eyes and hoped that my number would not be called."
To "This was my first volleyball game, and I hoped not to get called in to the game."
Also shorten "A white "Tachikara" ball met my sweaty palms, while my trembling knees made their way past the 9m line." to "With sweaty palms I took the ball, and with trembling knees went to the spot."
This is not much but it reduces to 246 words. Everything else just looks too good to shorten it. It is really nice and descriptive.
It is not boring at all. I'm applying to colleges as well and if you'll compere mine and yours my would be boring. Need to think of the way how to make mine more interesting.
I instantly became aware of the true spirit of the game.
Does that sound any better?
Just an unnecessary comma:
Suddenly, the coach turned around and quickly scanned each of the bench players.
This is a great, well-written story.
Thanks for the comments. I have one concern. I just spoke to my friend, and she told me this was more of a story, and thus, it was unacceptable. Is this true? Am I not allowed to write a story for this common app. short response? My goal was to convey how the sport of volleyball captured me from the first game. I don't know if this "story" accomplished that. Is a story acceptable, and have I appropriately conveyed a message? Thanks.
as long as its explaining your extracurriculum activity. a short story or an anecdote usually works well
Ok thanks. Do you think I conveyed a message here? Did I "elaborate" on the activity, like the prompt asks?
yes you did beautifully. except you went over the limit by quite a lot so you need to cut down a lot which is pretty hard i know. They won't accept anything over 1000 letters so you need to try and make that
good luck
Yea, cutting down will be a challenge. Thanks for your encouragment. I'm glad you got the message, otherwise, I would have to rewrite the entire thing. Thanks!
