Commitment and Breadth
In Grade Nine, I was quiet in terms of involvement in the school and community. Although I was academically accomplished, I struggled to get out of my comfort zone. Being a recruit in the Cadets program was an meaningful experience that awarded me with enrichments in life and taught me the meaning of commitment on three different levels.
The beginning of my Cadets career was full of moments of embarrassment. Due to my fast track and lack of necessary recruit training, I was intimidated by other cadets' confidence in drills and commands and unapproachability. I dreaded going to weekly training and wanted to give up numerous times. My mother, although opposed strongly at first, finally gave in after a long time of argument. This long-waited moment was unexpectedly heartbreaking for me; for the first time, my mother was disappointed in the child, whom she had always bragged about for succumbing to obstacles so easily. That night, I was determined to not only attend the program but excel at it. At this level, commitment meant not letting down my parents.
Upon hearing about the opportunity, I voluntarily joined the marching band of my squadron, hoping this involvement would help me through the program. However, another challenge struck. As a beginner flute player, I had trouble with the mouth techniques and could not play the music in tune with the rest of the band. Determined to master the parade songs before the band competition at the end of the year, I sacrificed my spare time on the weekends and march break practiced the flute with the help with a professional flutist. Nearly after a semester, I was able to produce the band music. Even more importantly, I witnessed a boost in my confidence. At this level, I learned that achievement results from continuous commitment, big or small.
Seeing my quick improvement on the instrument, my band members embraced me into their family open-heartedly. As expected, my involvement in the band which enabled me to reinforce on my drills and marching and familiarize myself with an exclusive group of experienced cadets during the additional band practices. More importantly, I started initiating in the program by participating in various celebration parades, leading a group of younger recruits with their rough starts.
A month before the band competition, the rest of the band and I spent endless hours at band practices perfecting the routine, rain or shine. Dressed in Arcterylx rain jackets and using charcoal hand warmers, metallic instruments in hand, the band marched in an empty field in East Vancouver in the pouring rain for seven hours during the Victoria Day weekend. At this moment, 36 of us forgot individuality and strived to win pride for our beloved squadron. At this moment, I learned that commitment is like the roots of a tree, the engine of a car and the staircase to go up; commitment is a responsibility to fully extracted your efforts and time into achieving yourself, or achieving the group. As a result, our efforts were distinguished with a silver ribbon at the Pacific Region March Band Competition. To a new squadron, this award was a tremendous way to start.
Even after my family moved to Toronto, I continued pursing the Cadets program. My two-and-half year in this program allowed me to acquire important life skills. The program offered me numerous opportunities to improve on my public speaking, resolve conflicts under difficult circumstances, and construct my positive attitude. Most importantly, this program has rewarded me spirit of perseverance and commitment that will motivate me continuously during moments of quitting.
Hello!
I would like to begin by saying that you have chosen an excellent subject to reply to this prompt with. Your essay conveyed its meaning wonderfully, stayed on topic and was compelling. I've noticed a few (mostly grammatical) errors while reading.
Being a recruit in the Cadets program was anameaningful experience that awarded me with enrichments in life and taught me the meaning of commitment on three different levels.
Perhaps using a different word for "meaningful" would make it sound less repetitive?
Due to my fast track and lack of necessary recruit training, I was intimidated by other cadets' confidence in drills and commands, andas well as their unapproachability.
Are the readers familiar with the meaning of the phrase "fast track"? Possibly it would be helpful to be more specific?
My mother, although opposed strongly at first,Although she had strongly opposed at first, my mother finally gave in after a long time of argument. This long-waitedlong-awaited moment was unexpectedly heartbreaking for me; for the first time, my mother was disappointed in theher child, whom she had always bragged about for succumbing to obstacles so easily.
The ending of this sentence is unclear: Did she brag about you for succumbing to obstacles? or was she disappointed in you for succumbing to obstacles?
Determined to master the parade songs before the band competition at the end of the year, I sacrificed my spare time on the weekends, and during march break I practiced the flute with the help withof a professional flutist. Nearly afterAfter nearly a semester, I was able to produce the band music.
At this level, I learned that achievement results fromis the result of continuous commitment, big or small.
Seeing my quick improvement on the instrument, my band members embraced me into their family open-heartedly.
This sentence is unclear: you could try, "my band members embraced me open-heartedly", or you could replace the word "embraced" with something like "welcomed".
As expected, my involvement in the band which enabled me to reinforce on my drills and marching,andas well as familiarize myself with an exclusive group of experienced cadets during the additional band practices.
I might suggest a term other than "reinforce on"... perhaps, "improve"
More importantly, I started initiating in the program by participating in various celebration parades, leading a group of younger recruits with their own rough starts.
What are you trying to convey with the phrase "initiating in?"
Possibly replace the world "starts" with "beginnings"?
At thisthat moment, 36 of us forgot individuality and strived to win pride for our beloved squadron. At thisthat moment, I learned that commitment is like the roots of a tree, the engine of a car and the staircase to go up;
This simile is unclear and doesn't draw any conclusions.
commitment is a responsibility to fully extracted your efforts and time into achieving yourself, or achieving the group.
Try using a world like "dedicate" instead of "extract".
The word "achieving" doesn't make sense as a verb here. What are you achieving? Pride? Unity? Victory?
ToFor a new squadron, this award was a tremendous way to start.
Even after my family moved to Toronto, I continued pursingpursuing the Cadets program. My two-and-half yeartwo and a half years in this program have allowed me to acquire important life skills. The program offered me numerous opportunities to improve onupon my public speaking, resolve conflicts under difficult circumstances, and construct mya positive attitude. Most importantly, this program has rewarded me with a spirit of perseverance and commitment that will motivate me continuouslycontinue to motivate me during moments of quitting.
Try a word other than "quitting". Perhaps, "doubt", or "uncertainty".
As one last piece of advice, I would suggest you to be a little more clear in differentiating the three separate activities. Great essay, and good luck!
Thank you so much for the edit! I did not understand your last advice clearly? I only wrote about one activity in this essay.
Moreover, if you have time, could you please help me reduce the word count as well. I am 100 words over... Thank you so much
You're welcome!
My apologies on that last comment, I realize now that I was misunderstood... I wasn't aware that this essay is for one of the three activities. My bad!
As for reducing your word count: when I have trouble with meeting a word count, (which I often do, I hate word counts) I will open my essay in a document editor such as Microsoft Word.
If you have Microsoft Word, you may notice that at the bottom of the window, it actually tells you how many words are in the document. For me, If I am over by a large number, I'll look critically at my essay, and ask myself, "which parts of this essay do I find to be the most important?"
I will then copy and paste only these parts into a new document. Then, I will rebuild my essay on the basis of these parts, while periodically checking the word count at the bottom of the window.
I'm not sure if this sounds like something that will work well for you, but in my own experience, I find it very helpful for reducing the length, as well as clarifying the point i'm trying to get across. I hope this helps! And once again, good luck!
Dian, I can see that you have a perfect editor / contributor for your essay already, having said that, I would like to add
that as much as you want to highlight each answer to the topic that is asked for you to write, I suggest that you make
bold paragraphs and not small several ones, writing the paragraphs in short but many different ones is like writing your
answers in bullet points in an elaborated form.
I also notice that your word choice is not as strong as you want them to convey your message,
words like " upon hearing", you can use, " According to a source", something like this, attention to the words
you choose in your sentences means a lot in sending your message across your readers.
I hope my insights helped, I wish you the best of luck and do let us know should you need more help.
Dian, bringing your essay down to its target word count may seem such a daunting task
but it should not be. What I do when faced with this kind of situation, I make sure that I proof
read and go through the sentences, delete unnecessary information and keep all the details
that answers the prompt in a very elaborate manner. In doing this, I'm able to eliminate a few
sentences and achieve the desired word count.
I suggest the following;
- In Grade Nineninth grade ,
- The beginning of my Cadets career was full of moments of embarrassment.
- Due to my delayed start and lack of necessary recruit training,
- in drills and, unapproachability
- Although she had strongly opposed my quitting, my mother gave in after many arguments. This long-awaited moment was unexpectedly heartbreaking for me: for the first time, my mother was disappointed in the child whom she had always bragged about. That night,After some grueling arguments, thought and ideas,
- I was determined to not only to attend but excel atin the program.
- I voluntarily took a step furthervolunteered by joining the marching band of my squadron,
- hoping thatto befriending an exclusive group...
- However, another challenge arose: as a beginner flute player, I couldn't play
- At this stage, my continuous commitment gave me a boost inmy confidence
There you have it Dian, I hope my further remarks helped!
