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"commitment to culture and volunteering" - Why Duke


Duke9316 1 / 4  
Oct 10, 2010   #1
Prompt: If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

ESSAY DRAFT:

What do culture, volunteering, and a game of silent ball have in common? They all are components of my inspiration to attend Duke University. Amidst the many fine colleges our nation has to offer, Duke University's commitment to culture and volunteering stands out uniquely in my mind. Diya, a South Asian cultural club at Duke, is especially appealing to me, because it allows me to stay connected to my culture while being away from home. My experiences with Duke Graduates who were active members of Diya have led me to understand that this organization can help me connect with my cultural heritage while contributing to the campus culture in a meaningful way. Additionally, Duke Engage is similarly keen like my personality. Volunteering to assist the members of my community has always been a top priority of mine. Finding ways to give back to the community, be it through leadership in Boy Scouts or through local hospital volunteer work, has allowed me to assist the growing community around me. I believe Duke Engage imbibes this personality within the program and its participants. Duke Engage will help me to expand the scope of my volunteering and help me to continue it throughout my scholastic career.

Although the previous two reasons strongly fuel my burning passion as to why I want to attend Duke, the origin of my passion for Duke was generated in an unusual way. My sixth grade English teacher had glorified the game of silent ball within our metallic trailer walls. Ironically, the game was only named "silent," so that the administration wouldn't notice the intense games of dodge ball occurring during class time. That day the teams were divided between the Tar Heels and the Blue Devils. Not an avid basketball fan yet, I chose the devils. Even with a shortage of skilled players, the Devils conquered the Heels through perfect strategizing. That victory sparked the eternal flame that burns within me for Duke University and the Devils. Even though my initial joy in cheering for the Devils had unusual origins, my keen desire today to attend the university is kindled by the opportunities Duke offers both within and beyond the classroom.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 13, 2010   #2
Boy Scouts and local hospital volunteer work has have enabled allowed me find happiness in the pleasure of others.

Though the previous two reasons fuel my burning passion to Despite my seriousness about attending Duke, there is an abstract twist ...----- this is just an idea I had. Your way is okay, too.

I also had this idea to kill the intro phrase:
Amidst the many fine colleges our nation has to offer, ---I think it seems boring and not helpful!

Hey, you did a great job. The way to improve it, I guess, is to try to find ways to shorten sentences. Try to say the same things but use fewer words, and the essay will be more efficient. It is already good, though!


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