THIS IS WHO I AM - Commom App Writing Prompt...

Hi people.

I wanted some feedback on my writing prompt for my common application.
Feels like something's missing... But what?

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I checked to see that I was securely latched onto the board. I wiped the snow off of my pants and donned my goggles, welcoming the chilly winter wind with open arms. There was little time before I had to take off and catch up to my friends. As I looked down the sugar-coated mountain, my mind began to race. The blood pumping through my ears drowned out the music blasting from my earphones. I could just barely make out the silhouette of my friends who could not resist the urge to tear down the mountain. I took a deep breath and followed down the trail. The newly waxed board glided smoothly through the deep powder, and for a second, I imagined that I was flying. When I finally caught up to my friends and gave them a disapproving gesture, they shrugged and shot back by yelling, "You took too much time!"

While everybody counts down the number of days until the start of summer vacation, I count down the number of days until the opening day of the ski resorts. As the weather gets colder, I find myself daydreaming more about the snow-covered mountain. Consequently, I end up staying up all night trying to make up the work I had missed daydreaming. Is it worth the trouble? Hell yes. See, most people consider snowboarding as simply a recreational sport or hobby. For me, however, snowboarding is more than just a seasonal hobby or stress-reliever. It is a stimulus that helps me bring out who I really am. It brings out all the positive qualities in me that people usually do not see in school. When I go snowboarding with my friends, it surprises them that the slow, geeky, and dull Asian who cares too much about his grades can turn into such an energetic and carefree person on the mountain.

Snowboarding teaches me how to push myself to the limit while remaining patient at the same time. Think of it as equilibrium - I need to find the perfect balance between urging myself and having patience to not only get through the season safely but also learn new tricks. The consequences followed by failure are too great; surely, anybody would agree that to end up on a stretcher with a broken bone or a concussion is not worth taking the risk. However, the feeling of success when I land that trick I have been straining to perfect for years is indescribable. I guess being patient really pays off in a situation like this.

The night-lights slowly turned off one by one behind us as if to signal that it was time for us to go home for the season. We went down the slope as slowly as we possibly could, savoring the last moment on the mountain, like how I savor the last piece of chocolate, before we had to return to normal life. As the season came to an end yet again, I separated my bindings from the board, wiped them clean one last time, and carefully put the gear into the appropriate boxes and bags. I put the board bag deep inside my closet, where it will hibernate undisturbed until next season. I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondered when the first snow would come for next season.

Question:
Do you think there is enough THIS IS WHO I AM in there?
If not, some advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

As I looked down the sugar-coated mountain, my mind began to race. The blood pumping through my ears drowned out the music blasting from my earphones. - nice writing, but unnecessary detail that distracts the reader


be careful, are you trying to say that you would miss school work for snowboarding?
also, hell is a very unnecessary and possibly offending word in this case. try to be formal


again, try to be more formal, don't directly address to the reader


didn't you just say that you daydreamed in the day and caught up your homework at night? how does that link to "slow, geeky, and dull". watch out for your use of word here. geeky implies that you are smart, yet dull has the exact opposite meaning, as well as slow.

these adjectives are unsupported by examples


look, you need to get rid of the thought that you are writing to a peer. this kind of language is "demanding" and could potentially offend the reader, now you really don't want that


wow, you've come a long way from equilibrium. Now it's patience?


If I'm not wrong, your topic should be the first one,
" Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." right?
Unless it's the topic of your choice...
but if I happen to be right, your essay is a bit off topic. While it's an experience all right, it's not significant in that YOU DO THIS EVERY YEAR!!! It's more like the Short answer that asks for an activity you do for fun.

To make it significant, you could talk about your FIRST snowing experience, and how that not only changed your own perception of yourself, but also others' perception of you, which you kinda mentioned in a vague way. FOCUS on the CHANGE that takes place in you BECAUSE OF SNOWBOARDING. It's essential that you actually talk about what you think, and not simply how you snowboard, or how you break bones and stuff.

Get an editor, and please try to be formal... remember they are middle aged geniuses... depending on where you apply.

haha wow, looks like my essay was ripped to pieces.

Thanks for the great edit. I guess I was having too much fun when I started to write this.

This essay started out as my back-up prompt just in case something goes wrong with my main essay.(Not that there would be something wrong with it)

I guess I lost focus and turned it into a more of a personal essay than a formal college essay.

I appreciate your help! :)

haha, why did you write this one then? out of pure boredom?