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'only who I am' - common app essay "WHO I AM"


ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 18, 2011   #1
just got rejected by Midd. It doesn't require any supplement essay and my score and ec are not that bad. So I think maybe there are some problems with my common app essay. Do I need to rewrite it and start with a new topic? Or just change something? Welcome any comments or suggestions. THANKS SO MUCH!

Topic of your own choice:

Describe myself

As I type these words, I'm thinking who would read them and whether this person would appreciate or despise me. People love me. People hate me. It's just "me", but the side of me, which each person prefers, differs. Some prefer the side when I participate in the honor science class, so concentrated as to forget about the time; some prefer the other one when I dance gently along the river bank while the breeze strokes my hair. However, I never try to cater to different tastes. It's just always who I am.

I feel I'm connected to this world, connected to where I was born and will belong to, connected to all people I know or not, and I love them all.

I'm a thousand winds that blow over the hills around my city, fiery as they in summer, harsh as they in winter; I love warmly, I hate deeply; I laugh for delight, I cry for melancholy. I believe in human beings' true feelings and passions, even though some souls are numb and some hearts are cold.

I'm the diamond glints on the snow on windows of muslin mosques and Christian churches; I'm the voices fading away from Tibetan chanting and Mongolian long tones. I live in a city which, hundreds of years ago, was originally set up by Han to separate other three nationalities in this area, Hui, Tibetan and Mongolian, preventing the danger to Han of their alliance. In the city now integrated with four nationalities, as a Christian Han, I grew up avoiding having pork before Muslins, turning prayer wheels to pray for good luck as Tibetans do, knowing how sacred fire means to Mongolians and waiting outside Buddhist temples while my family is inside worshiping. However, I always feel myself lucky rather than uncomfortable to live here, learning so many things that any people from any single culture might have no chance to know. And the most important thing I learn is to respect others, no matter what they believe or how they live.

I always cherish reading. How could the noisiness of streets, even compare to the heart-fluttering moment when Mr. Knightly said "my most beloved Emma"?

I appreciate science as the sun on ripened grain for its benefits brought to humans, but I also feel arts are like gentle autumn rains, necessary as a part of souls, to feel, to think, to express.

I was said to be impossible to realize my dreams three times. However, finally I made them all true. No matter what others call me, a hillbilly, because where I come from; a dreamer, because of my lofty ambitions, I never give up my dreams. I'm just a climber.

I enjoy recalling memories, reminding me every touching moment, but I also know that future is always the star which whispers to me, shining my way.

Some may love me. Some may hate me. But I was, am, and always will be only who I am, with miles to go.
caoyuxi 2 / 5  
Dec 18, 2011   #2
One of the best essays I have read today. I don't think ypou need to rewrite it.
super57 6 / 23  
Dec 18, 2011   #3
Dear,
the essay is sweet, its you and thats the best part about it. But I want you to get admission so i would like you to ponder upon the option of writing on anyother topic too present in common app essays because I heard someone say that if you don't write on those topics then it gives a negative feedback to the deans who are reading it. IDK if its true or not but I dont want you to not get admitted. Try writing on that too than compare and select the best essay. :-)
OP ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 18, 2011   #4
THX A LOT~~~~Actually I've written another essay, I just couldn't make up my mind which is better.
menukagrg 7 / 98  
Dec 23, 2011   #5
Dear Fellow reject,

I also got rejected by middlebury. I was applying as an International transfer student. Oh well, things happen for the better, i hope that's true.Anyway, there weren't any super mistakes. I would love to read your other essay as well.

One small tense mistake.
family is inside worshiping. - family were inside worshiping.

Good luck
OP ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 23, 2011   #6
THIS IS THE FIRST DRAFT OF MY ANOTHER ESSAY FOR COMMON, WHICH ONE IS BETTER?
THX A LOT!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.(500 words limited)

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
"You can't change the world because you are nothing but ordinary." Every time I looked into the mirror of my sixteen, these words hit me, like light reflected from the mirror, inevitable and invisible but still wounding. When I talked about my dreams, becoming influential and changing the world, people always sniffed and sneered. My dreams, like seeds planted in my deep heart, tried to grow without sunlight, but they couldn't. The way to the future became tougher as more taunts and pressures punched me. I started to consider words of others and be hesitant about my dreams. However, I could hear a voice inside of me, screaming that I should at least make an attempt. I felt like I was lost in a dark world, complicated as a labyrinth. I don't know what to do or where I'm heading for. The only thing I could do is to break the world, which was built around me.

A door opened to me when I joined a long-distance hiking camp. People around believed that with my physical ability, I couldn't finish this miserable long hiking. However, I just wanted to run away from my world.

When I made every step during the hiking, which became harder as time flew by, the feeling of lost attacked me again, nibbling my determination. However, I insisted till the end because I reminded a story my mother told me, that a spider could still make webs on the wall though it couldn't fly because of its diligence and persistence.

When we achieved at our terminal point, a mountain spring, a friend asked me, "Why you come to this hiking?"
"Maybe to escape." I whispered, telling her my confusions about my dreams.
"I cannot believe there is a spring in such a deep mountain area. " She said, looking at the spring, "Did you get over it?"

I said with no hesitation. "All of us didn't believe I can fulfill this hiking. However, finally I made it because I woke up my potential. Whether I could successfully do something depends on whether I can believe in myself, make choices and always hold on rather than how many people believe I can. Just like this spring, no matter how many people believe it could exist here, it still breaks out from the arid soil."

I know I find my way and later in my life, I always remember that I'm the spring. I always believe in myself, no matter how others consider my dreams impossible; I never give up though I grow up in an ordinary place. I always keep holding on, because I know that miracles could happen only if I try,

The seeds of dreams eventually grow up on my way of pursuing tomorrow. I won't go sleep because I have miles to go, have dreams that I need to keep holding on.
nivank - / 2  
Dec 23, 2011   #7
I like your first essay, it's very well written.
ctchrssmnky 2 / 17  
Dec 23, 2011   #8
Was this supposed to be a "hataz gonna hate" essay? I didn't see that prompt on the Common App.

Meta essays are always an option, but I wonder if it's really necessary in this situation, you know?
super57 6 / 23  
Dec 24, 2011   #9
If you dont mind me asking this question, what were your SAT scores?
ctchrssmnky 2 / 17  
Dec 24, 2011   #10
"I hate deeply"

Remember that when you hate something, you are placing yourself lower than it. Perhaps you shouldn't talk about your deep hatred.
OP ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 24, 2011   #11
THX all comments and suggestions! But I still couldn't make up my mind which essay I should use for common. ANY MORE suggestions?

BTW,my SAT is 2200.
super57 6 / 23  
Dec 25, 2011   #12
wow ur sat marks are great! I have everything in my profile, a strong academic record and everything but my sat scores are really weak..I want to know if my admission is still possible or not?
OP ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 25, 2011   #13
thx~I think it depends on which schools you're applying, some schools like Stanford and Brown emphasize on "fit" rather than "scores", but schools like Amherst just looooove high scoresg.

BTW,which essay above you prefer?Which one I should use?
palindromeman - / 7  
Dec 25, 2011   #14
You definitely took a risk in making your own essay topic, but, nevertheless, I think it is amazing and truly paints a picture of who you are. I would check it for spelling errors like misspelling Muslim as "Muslin" and grammatical errors before you use it, but I do not think you need to rewrite it. so, i would stick with your first essay.
super57 6 / 23  
Dec 25, 2011   #15
2nd one is prefered:)
I have a really good GPA and extra curricular wghaira but my sat scores are not good so am scared :-s
OP ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 25, 2011   #16
thx~~~

I guess then you could choose some schools that don't value SAT that much, or even LACs that not necessarily require SAT like Bates. I mean, SAT is really a small part of application, right? Be confident! I knew a girl who made into Wellesley College and CalTec with 2180, much lower than average...Just believe in yourself!
super57 6 / 23  
Dec 25, 2011   #17
oh ho ho ho my SAT is wayyyy lower than that! but I had less time to prepare for it too:( I really really want to go in Yale
OP ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 25, 2011   #18
I like Yale either...and really really like....But I heard that Yale never admitted Chinese students with SAT under 2250 and although my ec are not bad but not as good as something that could let AO forget my scores, so I give up....Anyway,Good Luck to you!
super57 6 / 23  
Dec 25, 2011   #19
Plz pray for it!
Thank you:)
Help me on my essay plz
OP ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 25, 2011   #20
THX all people who help me.
Any other people? I think I really need more suggestions to choose one of these two.
ylp2404 1 / 3  
Dec 25, 2011   #21
Ok, your language is poetic and I prefer the second essay. But you might need to make a little changes. When you are talking about impact, you are talking about the experience's influence on you. "I said with no hesitation"; this line makes me feel that you know that "Whether I could successfully do something depends on whether I can believe in myself, make choices and always hold on rather than how many people believe I can. Just like this spring, no matter how many people believe it could exist here, it still breaks out from the arid soil." even if you didn't go hiking. I don't see how you are impacted through the hiking incident. Emphasize on the impact. BTW, the "spring" is kind of mind-bogging; it seems to come out of nowhere. You need to mention it first before you make reference to it. These are just my suggestions, hope they help!
flafi120 1 / 14  
Dec 26, 2011   #22
I like your second one ... way better

Midd is not good for you .. it doesn't appreciate such students like you ... you got to choose a university that appreciate you, your essay and your scores.

BTW, I am from Egypt .. my greetings.
kwikandrew 3 / 5  
Dec 26, 2011   #23
first one was better. but both are still amazing! help with mine? :)


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