Here is my essay for the Common App. I want to know if this is too common and boring,like an experience that the AOs often read about and if the language is too simple and pale. Thank you for the suggestion in advance~
Walking in the campus of my high school, you could easily tell the students of the local division from those of the international division. Students of the local division wore T-shirts and jeans without anything gorgeous and never put on any make up. You could see them having lunch on their way to the library with heavy books under their arms. Serious topics like atomic physics or medieval art styles were usually what they talked about. On the contrary, those who dressed up shiningly with mini skirts or larger-than-usual pants were apparently from the international division. They made their lunch a picnic every day on the lawns in the campus, talking about the new arrivals of Louis Vuitton or the love affairs of their classmates.
I could say without any shame that I am a member of the local division, which was one of the best local high schools in Shanghai or even in China. We were extremely proud of our academic achievements and good reputation. In our mind, the international division was only for those spoiled kids who had got wealthy parents and never struggled for their own future. Meanwhile, they were proud of themselves, too. They laughed at our outdated dressing and named us in various derogatory ways. There seemed to be a thick wall between us which could never be pushed over.
Once in a dance competition, I got to know two girls from the international division of my school. After I told them what we local students thought of them politely, the girls looked surprised and said there must be some misunderstanding between us. They told me that most people in the international division really admired our intelligence and diligence. Although they might look light-hearted, they were all fighting for life. After a few seconds of great shock, I decided to build a bridge across this wide gap.
Then there came the LICO-----Local-International Cooperation Organization. At the time my friends and I founded it, there were only five members. We exchanged questions raised by one division about the other. After getting the answers from each other, people in both divisions were all surprised to find that what they had thought of each other was totally wrong. Local students had a sharp sense of fashion in fact and international students actually studied late into the mid-night. It was such a perfect beginning of my work that people were looking forward to more activities between the two divisions.
During the last two years, the LICO has launched over 20 campaigns, including talent shows, food exhibitions, speech contests and one-day life exchange. So far, there are over 200 students from both divisions working with me to improve the communication between us. The huge magnetic field we made is absorbing more and more cultures, and thoughtful ideas are continuously sparkling. Bands and dance groups were established together by people from the two divisions and they have won numerous prizes in national and international contests. People of totally different backgrounds never stop making influence on one another. Their study habits and life styles are all changing, as a result of the LICO, in a good way.
Now, whenever I see students from the two divisions talking and laughing like one big family, I feel proud and satisfied from the bottom of my heart. For once in my life, I have been a successful peace-maker who broke the ice!
This is definitely a good topic for your essay. I found reading it very interesting. The grammar could use some polishing in places, though. For instance:
"On the contrary," change to "on the other hand,"
"they were all fighting for life." Um, probably not, actually. Replace with something less hyperbolic.
"People of totally different backgrounds never stop influencing one another.
Commas: Serious topics, like atomic physics or medieval art styles, were usually...
Also:
They laughed at our outdated dressing and called us various derogatory names.
Wow, I like the theme of this essay! Like Sean said, it is a good topic.
