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Common App Essay: Achievement/Significant experience- fixing my boat


georgekon 2 / 6  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Common App Essay: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dillema you have faced and its impact on you.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated....

Spring was nearing, and the chill from winter would soon be away. This meant only one thing in my mind, that the lake would soon break from its shell, and the liveliness would soon come to its surface. Living only a few miles from a sprawling mass of water, I learned that it was only right to take full advantage of the privileges that come with this. For years prior I stayed away from the lake, but this summer sparked a change in me. I grew an insatiable ambition for the enjoyment of life, and I would soon grow in a way I could never have anticipated.

I'd been waiting all winter to start the renovation on the boat I purchased during the off-season. As the snow began to melt, and a tint of green appeared on the trees, I readied myself for my project. I knew there was a certain responsibility that I was undertaking, having no significant mechanic, construction, or boating skills, but my desire to be water-bound overcame any doubt that I could have conjured. Being an optimist I figured an old-wooden boat would surely be easy to bring back to life; a bit of sanding, some paint, fine tuning, and it'd be like new. My naivety turned to reality.

Simply cleaning the ins and outs far exuded the time that I'd planned on working on it. Hours of sanding and prep work took up the time that my friends spent lounging on their sofas. Painting the hull, cabin, fly-bridge, and inadvertently my face, chest and back, consumed the week that everyone went camping. Basically my summer had turned upside down, as I was constantly working on my boat, with no play.

As the time went by, however, I noticed my skills begin to refine. Being a one man team I deciphered the quickest ways to get jobs done. Instead of the conventional palm sander, I used the 24 inch belt sander, which decreased my labor by three quarters. Instead of painting with a brush, I used a spray gun which painted at triple the speed. I'd started to use time management skills I didn't think I had and shear persistence I never thought I could show. Late nights working by the light of my garage and early mornings started with coffee and the newspaper made me feel like I was a hardened laborer.

Finally the project ended. Two thirds of the summer was gone, but that left one eternity of a month to enjoy my ship on the surface it was meant for. Starting as a project to fulfill only one desire (to have fun on the lake), this slowly transformed into a set of invaluable lessons. Seeing days and weeks of hard work put into fruition in as glorious a sight as the streamline look of my 1977 Skiff Craft gliding along the water's surface was priceless. For the first time I experienced gratification and a sense of true accomplishment. My summer was complete, I was changed.
alphacat92 3 / 8  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
I really like your use of imagery, it makes me feel like I'm right there with you! But maybe don't make the job sound so bad, because you were able to reap the benefits of your hard work later. Also, try including a before-and-after type of image, where you reiterate on how you improved and how this will help you in the future (in college and beyond).

Good work!
ekfoong 10 / 46  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
Thank you for the feedback on my essay. It really boosted my confidence, which I needed :)

I always enjoy returning the favor so here goes! ((my comments in red)

Spring was nearing, and the chill from winter would soon be away. This meant only one thing in my mind, that the lake would soon break from its shell, and the liveliness would soon comeperhaps resurface [[I see you're going with a "revival theme" with spring and all and I feel like "resurface" gives this statement more literary substance, that ooomph adcoms are looking for ;) ]] to its surface. Living only a few miles from a sprawling mass of water, I learned that it was only right to take full advantage of the privileges that come with this. For years prior I stayed away from the lake, but this summer I thought it was spring? sparked a change in me. I grew an insatiable ambition for the enjoyment of life, and I would soon grow in a way I could never have anticipated.

I'd been waitingI waited [[make this active!- I'm a stickler for active writing :) ]] all winter to start the renovation on the boat I purchased during the off-season. As the snow began to melt, and a tint of green appeared on the trees, I readied myself for my project. I knew there was a certain responsibility that I was undertaking, havingwith [[i think having is a bit weird]] no significant mechanic, construction, or boating skills,. [[it's too long, break it up]]but my desire to be water-bound overcame any doubt that I could have conjured. Being anAs an [[sorry like the situation with "having" I usually don't like when clauses start with a gerund. :) ]] optimist I figured an old-wooden boat would surely be easy to bring back to life; a bit of sanding, some paint, fine tuning, and it'd be like new. My naivetynaïveté [[I don't think i've ever seen that form of the word but that's probably due to inexposure]] turned to reality.

Simply cleaning the ins and outs far exuded- I think it's used incorrectly... are you looking for the word exhausted? the time that I'd planned on working on it. Hours of sanding and prep work took up the time that my friends spent lounging on their sofas. Painting the hull, cabin, fly-bridge, and inadvertently my face, chest and back, haha, I liked that preceding phrase consumed the week that"that" sounds awkward, but i'm not sure what word to put in place... perhaps try "when" everyone went camping. Basically my summer had turned upside down, as I was constantly working on my boat (make this active..."as I constantly worked on my boat") , with no play.

As the time went by I don't like the flow with the two "As clauses" so close together. try something along the lines of "Time ticked by AS, I astonishingly noticed... , however, I noticed my skills beginbegan (maintain tense) to refine. Being a one man team, I decipheredI'm not entirely sure I like the word deciphered, it implies deducing or figuring out a riddle/puzzle not really a situation like this? perhaps try "actuate" or "determined"? the quickest ways to get jobs done. Instead of the conventional palm sander, I used the 24 inch belt sander, which decreased my labor by three quarters. Instead of painting with a brush, I used a spray gun which painted at triple the speed. I'd started to use time management skills I didn't think I had and there's a word missing here... i think it's "with"? but i'm not sure shear persistence I never thought I could show. Late nights working by the light of my garage and early mornings started with coffee and the newspaper made me feel like I was a hardened laborer.

Finally, the project ended. Two thirds of the summer was gone, but that left one eternity of aeternal month to enjoy my ship on the surface it was meant for. Starting as a project to fulfill only one desire (to have fun on the lake), this slowly transformed into a set of invaluable lessons. Seeing days and weeks of hard work put into fruition in as glorious a sight as the streamline look of my 1977 Skiff Craft gliding along the water's surface was priceless. that was confusing... try "Days and weeks of hard work came into fruition as the glorious sight of my streamlined 1977 Skiff Craft glided along the water's surface. that moment was priceless." For the first time I experienced gratification and a sense of true accomplishment. My summer was complete,; I was changed.

I really liked that essay! it was eloquent, purposeful, and your revival of the boat, and revival in yourself was really quite a beautiful comparison. Great start! I'd love to see your end product...

many of my comments and critiques were personal opinions so by no means must you follow all of the red markings :)

hope i helped!
Emily


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