Common App Activities Essay - Advice and Proofreading

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

"Pump your arms, drive forward, form, form!" The rush of wind drowns out my coach's voice as I begin cycling my legs as fast as I can. I feel the familiar rush of adrenaline as everything around me is slowly muted. The slapping thup thup thup of my teammates' shoes on the track's surface and my hammering heartbeat all gradually fade into the background. It's the end of a long school day, and I've finally found my moment of peace, ironically, in the midst of a physical battle within my body. During class, Nitrogen cycles, Freud's psychoanalysis, and derivatives don't do well to keep my restlessness at bay. As it nears the end of the period, my eyes dart towards the clock more frequently, waiting for electronic digits to strike 2:55. The moment it does, I tear across the field with my teammates to the 400 meter maroon oval. Left, right, left, right. Each stride brushes aside a worry and I'm at a rare peace where the only thing that matters is the solid, white finish line in the distance.

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Character Count: 1,014

Comments, concerns, and any other advice are very welcome! :)
I'm over the character limit by a bit, so any advice on cutting down would be very helpful too.

Kevin

I feel like you could elaborate on this a bit more. It's a great narrative, but you should reflect on it rather than just telling a story.

:)

mzontario

Thanks! Yep, I'll try and take out some narrative portions. 1,000 characters is pretty hard to work with :P

I also believe you should take some narrative portions out and focus on how your ec affects you personally. How does it make you a better person, more well rounded? I believe the colleges want to see into your thoughts and they want to get to know you. I hope this helps!

wow i rly like it c; but yeah i do agree with the person above me. like why do you enjoy it track?

cut down on describing whats happening and write about why you like dong it or why this is so important to you.