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Common app Activity essay - international event


poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 27, 2009   #1
Waking up at 6 AM and, in the midst of a particularly unpleasant December rain, running to catch the bus - all these were repaid when feeling the inviting smell of cappuccino through the halls. I would open the door of the conference room and feel the warmth of smiles; eventually, I would also hear the laughter when trying to reply all the greetings through the choppy Turkish, Czech, Macedonian and Greek I had learnt during those few, memorable days.

The Network Meeting organized by x was unforgettable for me in many ways. During these last months - memories are still fresh - I organized and brought to life an international event. Between leadership trainings and excursions, what I cherish the most is the atmosphere - that kind of atmosphere I always want to be part of - expanding outlooks, sharing culture, languages and dreams, cooperating to envision a bright future.

Any comments, suggestions? Be as harsh as you want :)
goldeneye98 2 / 32  
Dec 27, 2009   #2
I would put this entire essay in the past tense, just to make it more consistent. Did you organize this event? If so, use active voice to tell the admissions people what YOU did.

This is a good topic and, for the most part, good essay. Just a couple things:

The first sentence is a bit awkward. It's a fragment and a run-on combined (I don't know how that's possible), but it needs to be changed. Try this:

Waking up at 6 AM and in the midst of a particularly unpleasant December rain running to catch the bus was all worth it when I felt the inviting smell of cappuccino through the halls.

Or something to that effect.

sharing culture, language and dreams

languages

Hope this helps!
mjellma 6 / 26  
Dec 27, 2009   #3
that kind of atmosphere I always want to be part of
Make it -the-.
I would also suggest you put it in the past tense.
Overall its really good.
OP poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 27, 2009   #4
I used the "would" form in order to tell that what I am describing has happened many days. Putting it all in the past simple would be like I am talking about something that has happened only once, thats why i havent used that.

thanks and im looking forward to read your full essay about Kosovo! :)
mjellma 6 / 26  
Dec 27, 2009   #5
December rain, running
ok, I guess if you intentionally want it that way its cool.
Why dont you post the version with the small corrections suggested then I'd be able to be more helpful.
And I just posted my Kosovo essay! Go on be harsh, its what Im expecting.
OP poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 27, 2009   #6
Could you help me with a title please? Also if it has any grammar errors? Thanks :)
luminousx 3 / 32  
Dec 27, 2009   #7
Waking up at 6 AM and, in the midst of a particularly unpleasant December rain,

I feel like this is all one action, so maybe you should add one more action after "running to catch the bus"

I think the second paragraph could be all in the past tense.

Please read mine!
Emmerz 3 / 13  
Dec 27, 2009   #8
all these were repaid when feeling the inviting smell of cappuccino through the halls.

This part is a bit confusing, simply because the it doesn't make too much sense. You mix the senses of "feeling" and "smelling", and personally i don't think you can feel a smell :)

so maybe make it
"all these were repaid with the inviting smell of cappuccino in the halls"

i think it was good, but i agree with luminousx- i think it should be in past tense
stars11 1 / 13  
Dec 31, 2009   #9
Waking up at 6 AM and, in the midst of a particularly unpleasant December rain, running to catch the bus - all these

I agree with past comments that this seems like awkward wording.Perhaps try "Waking up at 6 AM and running to catch the bus, in the midst of unpleasant December rain nonetheless, seemed (insert some synonym for unbearable..or something similar). But the misfortunes were disregarded as the I sensed the inviting aroma of cappucino through the halls" I really only think up to "repaid" sounds awkward, after that the rest of the sent. is ok.

few, memorable days.

few "but" memorable...so that way you emphasize the pleasure of the event.

memoriesthat are still fresh

thatno "that" instead try "the" kind of atmosphere I always want to be part of - expanding outlooks, sharing culture, languages and dreams, and cooperating to envision a bright"er" maybe? future.

Good luck with everything!


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