Prompt: Elaborate on one of your activities.
I really need help with this one. I cannot make it sounds right. I need feedback as soon as possible. Thank you..
"One, two, three; smile."
Those familiar words represent my job, my familial obligation, and a personal passion. I am son of a photographer, which means I am usually taking or editing photos. Photography is self-expression in several ways. It is an art in which I can convey my feelings in the precise moment I take a shot of what I want to create in paper and tint. This art has taught me to be accurate, but emotive. In order to take a perfect shot, I must understand that there might be no second chance so I should be accurate. I must be emotive, so I can express the emotions of the individuals I am photographing. At the end, I think photography is as any action in this world: In order to do this action correctly I must be dedicated and I should follow its rules.
HELP!!
If I'm correct, this essay has to be 150 words or fewer right?
I see how you're trying to make it more interesting with the whole "one two three smile" idea, but maybe you should cut down on the dialogue and talk more about why you like photography. I finished mine yesterday, and I basically spent all 150 words talking about why I love piano etc etc.
talk about what it is about photography that fascinates you, rather than so mmuch about your family? you can save that for the other essays! :)
"New country. Same individual. New ambitions. Same courage. A seventeen-year-old-man, an ambitious student, and a photographer. "
Just a thought, do you really think it's fine to include this phrase in the essay?
I think you should better describe your photography experiences and how did they affect you.
Please critique my essays!
I suggest "I must be" in place of all those "You must be" statements. It is more charismatic in this ind of essay to use the first person perspective.
Also, the first sentence is a fragment, not a complete sentence:
Those familiar words represent my job, my obligation, my passion.
And it weirdly focuses on both the words and the fact that photography is your passion. It should oly focus on one of those ideas. Those familiar words represent my job, which is also a familial obligation and a personal passion.
I am the son of a photographer, which means I can usually be found retouching, taking or elaborating photos.
I suggest focusing more on the fact that your love for photography is linked to your love for family. That sort of thing goes a long way in these essays! :-)
These are for the common app...I need to know if they are okay...Look for anything. Comments, advices, anything is welcomed. Thank you guys. =) You help me and I'll help you as soon as I can.
When I stare at those embarrassing photos of myself as a kid, which my mother treasures like gold, I see how I have changed physically and mentally in a constant timeline with significant points of my existence-my life. These old photos remind me of why I am here. I did not know how to feel about leaving my native country to look for a better future, about leaving a part of me in Mexico. Two years ago when my family and I moved to Dos Palos, CA, the only piece of my past that could console my nostalgic feelings was my acoustic guitar's sound of "Aires de Son" by Gerardo Tamez. I was now in the United States seeking the "American dream." Subsequently, we moved to Fresno, CA. where everything became clear for me. Here in Fresno, I felt then that I was in the place I was destined to be; I felt like the last number in a Sudoku puzzle.
From being the son of a judge, I am now a low-income student. However, I not reproach anything to my parents; to the people I love the most, the people that gave me the gift of life. On the contrary, I thank them for the love and support they have given to me. This feeling of gratitude toward my parents and my younger brother, my best friend, is what has made me become a (n) assertive, creative, charismatic...man.
As a ninth grader, I earned some important recognitions from my teachers, which later helped me to enroll with a scholarship in one of the most prestigious private schools in Morelia and Mexico, Instituto Valladolid, where my parents wanted me to get my education, mainly because President Calderon, the current Mexico's president, graduated from there. Although I was there just for a couple of months before I emigrated to the United States, I learned others aspects of life and of course additional knowledge. When enrolled in my classes in Dos Palos and Fresno, I felt the madness of "Asturias" by Isaac Albeniz, because I was put in low-level classes and I was labeled for being an EL (English Learner) student. Being an EL student, some teachers treated me unfairly for my inability to speak fluently, but I tried to forget where I was from, to focus on what and where I wanted to be. Thus, my inability to speak English fluently helped me developed other abilities, such as my independence and my commitment to my studies, my community, and my family.
At this point I feel accomplished for not letting my dreams go away-as my mom says "great opportunities in dreams do not wait for doubters." Now, I am not labeled as an EL student and I am taking the most rigorous classes possible at my school. With all my experiences and my family as my motivation I know in what direction I will seek my culmination; therefore I will advance to the next level-[college]
"One, two, three; smile."
These words represent my job, my familial obligation, and a passion of mine. I am son of a photographer, which means I am usually taking or editing photos. Photography means self-expression. It is an art in which I convey my feelings in the moment I take a shot of what I want to create in paper and tint. Photography has taught me to be...and advocate of second chances and a motivator of self-expression. I take the emotions of the individuals photographing them; I make a reflection of their passions. Often I need to take more than one shot to create the most pleasant memory. At the end, I think photography is as any action in this world: in order to do it correctly I must be dedicated and follow its rules, but knowing when it is necessary to break these, try again, improve my work.
I was now in the United States seeking the "American dream."
this seems out of place..
developed
develop
my studies, my community, and my family.
just choose one
abilities,
commitment is not an ability.
o be...and advo
be what?
Instituto Valladolid, where my parents wanted me to get my education, mainly because President Calderon, the current Mexico's president, graduated from there.
cut this sentence down. you can express the idea in a shorter way. all those commas are distracting.
Its a unique essay, it shows who you are. Just read it outloud and find out the hidden parts where it gets a little talk-y and you'll be good.
Can you critique my bu 3 words?
