My first draft for my activity essay....
Prompt:"Please briefly elaborate (150 words or fewer) on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experiences).
SPLASH is the password.
A simple 'splash' teleports me from the nerve-racking diving board to the soothing water of the swimming pool. A 'splash' engulfs me into the babbling pool making me oblivious of the intimidating noises surrounding me. The instant I am in the pool I am assured that I am in my world. The musical silence that surrounds me in the pool is my Beethoven . My Beethoven catalyzes my focus. The only thing I can see is the white-tiled 'finish' wall. I dolphin kick my way towards the wall, still engrossed in my music but the moment I touch the wall and look around and notice that I am the first one there, my Beethoven strands me and all I can hear is the never-ending cheers of my team, shouting 'THREE CHEERS FOR THE CAPTAIN!!' These cheers are my Mozart, and I have always preferred Mozart more than Beethoven.
What say???? Is it very vague???...I am 2 words above the limit!!!
Any comment would be greatly appreciated!! SHRED THE ESSAY INTO PIECES IF YOU MUST!!
Please reply asap!!!
i really like this essay, but thats not the point, we have to look at this from an adcoms perspective and what i think the adcom will see is that your really jumping the gun a little too much here. Your first three lines are excellent, focused and everything but i dont know if this whole idea of transitioning to music is a good idea, especially not as it is now. It is confusing, the last line and chant three cheers for bethooven especially and since this is a short essay, you don't really have the space to develop the idea of beethoven and how its important to you. AS a result, your leaving the adcoms guessing, even if you mention beethoven and music in other parts of your application, theres still a good chance they won't know what to think. LIke you said, this is just too abstract, too philsophical, since im a victim of this myself i can understand and like it to an extent, but im doing the best to put my bias aside because i know that adcoms won't have the time to think to hard about this philosiphical sentiment. Your best bet, and you probably know this, but i say keep this simple, not simple writing, but the first three lines esque. Not only will this be easier than writing philosphically, it will create a stronger, direct impression in the writers mind. It's hard to describe the effects the dive has on you when you jump in the pool, but experiment w/ it a little, and try getting away from something so abstract as beethoven and the harmony of his music or whatever your theme was. just remember, there's a reason this is a 150 word essay, it's not suppose to get too in-depth. I've always said never look at htis 150 word response as an essay, just look at it as another chance to provide a unique but succinct response to one of your activities, don't worry too much about typical essay stuff like focus and all that. Good luck, can you take a look at mine when i revise it? Thanks
I think you did a good job of approaching the prompt, because I know I had a lot of trouble trying to fit everything I had to say in 150 words...however, I was a bit confused reading the essay...who's Mozart? who's Beethoven?
haha, sorry if I just completely missed the point, but I'm not sure whether the focus is music or diving. perhaps be a bit more clear in what you are trying to say?