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My Common App Additional Information Portion. making a difference by sailing


laijeanie 1 / 2  
Dec 5, 2009   #1
Be harsh and honest. Tell me what you think. This is for the common app additional information portion. Any suggestions would be nice too. Thank you guys! YOU ARE AWESOME!

Pushing the tiller in the opposite direction of where I wanted the boat to go, I quickly learned how to maneuver the sailboat. This day was June 22, 2009, my first day on the job at the Downtown Sailing Center. What started as my first time rigging and sailing a boat turned into discovering a new passion of making a difference by sailing.

Being the only Asian in the Sailor-in-Training program did not stop me from gaining new friendships. We were employees with no clue on rigging and maneuvering sailboats. In summer heat, we grabbed our life-jackets and headed down the docks to rig sailboats. Our sailing knowledge grew everyday. Tacking and jibing a boat became natural skills. Concepts, such as man-overboard, docking and capsize recovery, was continuously practiced. On special occasions, we assisted boats with children and disabled people. I enjoyed seeing the excitement that came across people's faces when taking their first sail. By insuring safety, we made sure our passengers had a great time. We were in the classroom weekly, learning about college admissions and SAT tips. As a team, we prepped for a camping trip to Sandy Point beach and an overnight boating trip. At the pool, we helped each other improve swimming skills. Dressing nicely for a college visit and an etiquette dinner, we even complimenting one another on how we dressed. Who knew that we had style after wearing worn-out clothing to work everyday!

Faced with frightening tasks, I realized that goals could be accomplished when you put your best foot forward. Taking advantage of my summer, I made a difference on people's lives. Each day filled with laughter, learning and sailing. Those weekly checks never matched my amazing summer experience. Remember three rules when sailing with me: Always 1) wear your life-jacket 2) remain seated and 3) have fun. The exhausting days of rigging sailboats and learning new boating concepts paid off. Next summer, I am looking forward to back as a sailing instructor!

yang 2 / 313  
Dec 5, 2009   #2
This day was June 22, 2009, my first day on the job at the Downtown Sailing Center.

it was June 22...

gaining new friendships

maybe more personal? making new friends?

We

my friends and I; my peers and I...

Concepts, such as man-overboard, docking and capsize recovery, was continuously practiced

never use passive unless you really intend it. This case, active tense may be much stronger

Faced with frightening tasks,

when? where? what happened? you didn't actually discuss any task

Taking advantage of my summer, I made a difference on people's lives

really? how?

Remember three rules when sailing with me: Always 1) wear your life-jacket 2) remain seated and 3) have fun. The exhausting days of rigging sailboats and learning new boating concepts paid off. Next summer, I am looking forward to back as a sailing instructor!

so very generic. It has to be more personal than simply you learning boat skills and having fun right? I mean you did say in the intro

What started as my first time rigging and sailing a boat turned into discovering a new passion of making a difference by sailing.

what difference is that?

Overall, unconnected last sentence. It was supposed to wrap up everything you talked about, but you made it into a mundane experience in which you had fun.

This experience is a very special thing not many had done, but you talking about SAT's and sharing with your peers and learning new skills and things are... very typical. I can pretty much duplicate your second paragraph (most important one) and apply to an essay of working in the library or going out fishing. It doesn't tell anything about you, except that you are an outgoing asian who can learn... so can the 5000 other ones that apply to the same school

Therefore, I suggest that you pick out a specific even in which you made a difference or that CHANGED your THINKING. Don't talk about what you did, not interesting. talk about what you THOUGHT and what kind of person you really are.

is that honestly harsh enough?
OP laijeanie 1 / 2  
Dec 5, 2009   #3
I see what you saying. I was concerned about it ending like that. I have a lot to say but I can't really get it out the way that I want to. thank you by the way!
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 5, 2009   #4
I have a lot to say

you don't want to talk about the experience too much. the admins are trying to find out about you. so no need for unnecesary details of what you have done.
OP laijeanie 1 / 2  
Dec 5, 2009   #5
I see. That really helps. Time to rethink my essay i guess.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 6, 2009   #6
I think you should add another sentence to the end of that first para in order to explain what you mean about making a difference by sailing. How about adding a sentence to the end of that first para that says something about making a difference in the world by introducing people to the experience of sailing?
NonSequitur 3 / 15  
Dec 6, 2009   #7
Hi, fellow sailor. :D

Check out my essay (also on sailing)!


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