This day was June 22, 2009, my first day on the job at the Downtown Sailing Center.
it was June 22...
gaining new friendships
maybe more personal? making new friends?
my friends and I; my peers and I...
Concepts, such as man-overboard, docking and capsize recovery, was continuously practiced
never use passive unless you really intend it. This case, active tense may be much stronger
Faced with frightening tasks,
when? where? what happened? you didn't actually discuss any task
Taking advantage of my summer, I made a difference on people's lives
Remember three rules when sailing with me: Always 1) wear your life-jacket 2) remain seated and 3) have fun. The exhausting days of rigging sailboats and learning new boating concepts paid off. Next summer, I am looking forward to back as a sailing instructor!
so very generic. It has to be more personal than simply you learning boat skills and having fun right? I mean you did say in the intro
What started as my first time rigging and sailing a boat turned into discovering a new passion of making a difference by sailing.
what difference is that?
Overall, unconnected last sentence. It was supposed to wrap up everything you talked about, but you made it into a mundane experience in which you had fun.
This experience is a very special thing not many had done, but you talking about SAT's and sharing with your peers and learning new skills and things are... very typical. I can pretty much duplicate your second paragraph (most important one) and apply to an essay of working in the library or going out fishing. It doesn't tell anything about you, except that you are an outgoing asian who can learn... so can the 5000 other ones that apply to the same school
Therefore, I suggest that you pick out a specific even in which you made a difference or that CHANGED your THINKING. Don't talk about what you did, not interesting. talk about what you THOUGHT and what kind of person you really are.
is that honestly harsh enough?