Common app short answer "Fencing"

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities

I fenced for several years at the local community center. Through fencing I learned discipline and stress management. I had never managed stress well before, but after years of being rushed by an opponent wielding a foil, I learned to not be disconcerted, and to remember my training. Discipline allowed me to stand my ground and counterattack, even though human nature tells me to retreat as fast as possible. I also learned the importance of teamwork, as we fenced the same people we trained with. Every time I lose a Bout, I am grateful to my opponent for pointing out the areas I need improvement in. Losing has taught me to value the chance to learn and improve from losses more than the fleeting taste of victory.

can someone proofread this and post critique, much apreciated!

Fencing is a good topic for the short essay. You might want to reorder your examples to fit your second sentence on learnings and add in teamwork as you mentioned this towards the end.

Every time I lose a Bout, I am grateful to my opponent for pointing out the areas I need improvement in (DOES YOUR FENCING PARTNER ACTUALLY POINT THEM OUT TO YOU?? Or DO YOU LEARN FROM HIS WINNING MOVES?? OR DOES YOUR OPPONENT SUCCEED TO FIND YOUR AREA OF VULNERABILITY??) Losing has taught me to value the chance to learn and improve from losses more than the fleeting taste of victory. (TRY REPHRASING THIS TO BE MORE SUCCINCT TO HAVE MORE PUNCH AS AN ENDING - LIKE A JOUST.)

Discipline enabled me to stand my ground and counterattack, even though human nature tells me to retreat as fast as possible. I also learned the importance of teamwork, as we trained with the same fencing partners week after week. fenced the same people we trained with . Every time I lose a bout , I am grateful to my opponent for pointing out the areas in which I need improvement.