Hi everyone! Back again with a short answer...this is actually my 2nd short answer. The first one was about persistence, which I decided (after I submitted it ED T.T) was too generic and not personal enough. So here's my second shot. I'm really stuck on how to finish the last sentence w/o it sounding cliche. I'm shooting for something along the lines of "i had gained self confidence, blah blah." Thanks in advance!
It's also about 10 words over the limit, so I'd appreciate advice about where to cut.
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
"Hi-my-name-is-Maretta-Fan-I'm-calling-on-behalf-of-Fashion-for-A-Caus e."
"Whoa, slow down!"
I sighed: how much longer until I conquered my phobia of phone calls? In person, I enjoyed nothing more than conversation. But through a plastic device, I regarded each word with apprehension. How could I accurately express myself and evaluate others with only a voice stripped of facial expressions and body language?
Yet, as a dedicated FAC member, I would phone-bank until guaranteed results. As nerve-wracking as each conversation felt, I was exposed to a plethora of voices through which I honed my skills of detecting and dissecting verbal nuances. My fear of being judged immunized by the prospect of donations, I concentrated on maximizing the efficiency of my own words. When I became committee head a year's worth of calls later, I could have kissed that plastic device. Through learning to view sound as multidimensional, I had both discovered the wealth of knowledge that voice alone held and gained the confidence to communicate through any medium.
I like it.
Maybe try to list a few possible endings that you had going through your mind so we can get a better idea of how you want to end it?
like tell us what you wanted and then maybe someone here can make it less cliche.
The idea and the way you learned sounds and looks really good. If you could possible elaborate more on how that particular experience shaped your personality and developed your confidence...the essay would be flawless..
Thanks for the comments so far!
@FireTiger
The ideas I had were:
"Through discovering the wealth of knowledge that voice alone held, I had gained the confidence to express myself even when reduced to mere sound."
@Eagle123
I would love to elaborate, but I'm already over the limit and still have to finish my last sentence. Oh the joys of word limits...
One of my concerns was whether or not there was a good balance of the problem/what I learned. What d'you think?
you did a very detailed job of developing the problem, and the "what I learned" part is more suggested than actually described. Most of this is just due to word count limits, and if you want to develop the "what i learned" part, youre going to have to describe the problem in a shorter amount of words...
but i think you could go either way, its just style.
also
i like it till here
Through discovering the wealth of knowledge that voice alone held, I had gained the confidence to express myself ...
do you have any other ideas instead of 'reduced to mere sound'?
i mean its good, but maybe there could be an even strong punch
Thanks for the input!
How about:
"Through learning to view sound as multidimensional, I had discovered the wealth of knowledge that voice alone held and gained the confidence to express myself through any medium."
youre trying to cut down on words so idk if you want to add ""Through learning to view sound as multidimensional"
but i like that ending better :)
Could a mod please delete my first draft? Thanks!
Here is my most recent one:
READ ABOVE
WC: 161 (this will be the death of me...)
sounds good
your last sentence develops what the colleges want to see
@ Brunoboral
Thank you! Any suggestions for which words to cut? 11 less words and I'm there.
Sorry not all my changes may be for the better since english is not my strong point. but maybe it will help. maybe it wont.
btw: can u check my short answer out?
Any other suggestions as to what to cut?
Well, I've since fixed the word count problem..but now I have another question! Do the first and second parts of the essay flow? I mean, do you see a connection b/w the problem, and how I ultimately remedied it?
Hi! After you so wonderfully critiqued my essay, I though I'd return the favor.
I love it! Its really relatable for me (I went through a similar experience for an organization).
As for the flow, I think it's pretty good. (If you are reeaaally worried about it, talk about how you improved from one conversation to the next, but I don't think you really need it.)
You discuss the transition of your nervousness of talking on the phone to strangers to your determination to help your cause. That is your main point and since it is a short answer, you do a pretty good job of getting to the point with precision. I wouldn't worry about the flow too much.
Hope this helps! ^_^
Glad to know I'm not the only one. Thanks for the feedback rohi92!
To be more specific, a friend had pointed out that the connection b/w "this is one of my fears and this is how I got over it" to "this is how I now understand voice" wasn't clear/understandable enough. Is this the case?
Sorry if I come off as paranoid or something :p I sort of regret turning in my original short answer, so I really want to make sure I do a good job of this one.
My fear of being judged immunized by the prospect of donations, I concentrated on maximizing the efficiency of my own words.
You can cut this. It's not a correct sentence... It should be.. due to my fear...
Cut that, and then adjust the end to connect the theme of the essay with your academic program, intended career, etc.. or something about your plan for the future.
@EF Kevin
Oh, I meant that my fear was nullified, as in I wasn't afraid of being judged anymore since I was so hopeful about getting donations. I didn't mean that DUE to my fear of being judged, I concentrated on "blah blah blah."
