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Common App Short Answer Green Team!


cvh2010 2 / 3  
Oct 20, 2009   #1
I need to cut out 5 words! And any feedback would be awesome.

Common App Short Answer
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer)

I have been a member of Green Team for 3 years. We focus on improving the environment as well as educating the community around us about environmental issues and beneficial changes to make in their own lives. I partake in a variety of activities, including the writing of grant proposals and making blankets for the homeless from recycled fabrics. We clean the lakes around Southwest and built walls for a house with Habitat for Humanity. Our members go on trips to educate ourselves about alternative energy, visiting locations like the St. Olaf Wind Turbine and Excel Energy Riverside Plant, and present the information we've learned in workshop. As a part of our mercury workshop, I arranged for Clancy, the country's only mercury detecting dog, to attend. I have learned the power of teaching and how to protect our planet for the future. This year our team received a Student Service Award from the Minnesota Legislature.

joellek 3 / 6  
Oct 20, 2009   #2
It sounds pretty good! I think you could probably loose a few words in the first sentence though, it is a little long. You could make it two short sentences.
Maojia Wang 1 / 8  
Oct 20, 2009   #3
I have been a member of Green Team for 3 years. We focus on improving the environment as well as educating the community around us about environmental issues and beneficial changes to make in their own lives. I partake in kinds of activities, including the writing of grant proposals and making blankets for the homeless from recycled fabrics. We clean the lakes around Southwest and built walls for a house with Habitat for Humanity. Our members go on trips to educate ourselves about alternative energy, visiting locations like the St. Olaf Wind Turbine and Excel Energy Riverside Plant, and present the information we've learned in workshop. As a part of our mercury workshop, I arranged for Clancy, the country's only mercury detecting dog, to attend. I have learned the power of teaching and how to protect our planet for the future . This year our team received a Student Service Award from the Minnesota Legislature.

Now, exactly 150 words.

But to tell the truth, I think there are too many long and complicated sentences, which make your short answer not very clear. I mean, when people read it, they may stop instead of reading it fluently.

Maybe you can revise them. Anyway, good luck!
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 20, 2009   #4
How about 'different activities?'

It reads very well. One other little mistake---a past tense verb where you need a present tense one.

We clean the lakes around Southwest and built walls for a house with Habitat

Otherwise, it's a good piece.
OP cvh2010 2 / 3  
Oct 20, 2009   #5
I have been a member of Green Team for 3 years. We focus on making positive change for the environment. I also educate my community about environmental issues and beneficial adjustments they can make in their lives. I partake in different activities, including the writing of grant proposals and making blankets for the homeless from recycled fabrics. We clean the lakes around Southwest and build walls for houses with Habitat for Humanity. Our members go on trips to educate ourselves about alternative energy, visiting locations like the St. Olaf Wind Turbine and Excel Energy Riverside Plant, and present the information we've learned in workshop. As a part of our mercury workshop, I arranged for Clancy, the country's only mercury detecting dog, to attend. I have learned the power of teaching and how to protect our planet. In 2009, our team received a Student Service Award from the Minnesota Legislature.

Thanks for the help! Is this better?


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