You can find me on Sundays at Evergreen Healthcare as an information desk volunteer, doing what I have grown to love-working with people. I am honored to assist the staff members for I hope to work in the health field. I find a thrill in performing errands, no matter how small the task, because I know that the staff places responsibility in my hands, giving me the chance to show my worth. Having become increasingly comfortable speaking with patients, some of whom have gone back and forth from the hospital, I have initiated conversations by bringing up topics such as the hospital's extensive art gallery. The positive attitudes of the patients inspire me to endure when life gets hard. As new volunteers come along, not only do I relay the knowledge that I have attained, but I also pass along my greater sense of responsibility and passion for people.
How is it? Should it be more focused? Please give me your honest opinion.
Use a comma after staff members.
Nice! The sentence with the word thrill in it is very well structured, nice rhythm. Oh, you are good; the sentence you started with "having" is very good.
It really is very impressive writing. I hope you'll check out the EF Contributor page (link below) and become a volunteer here part time too! It looks good on applications... :)
you're writing is really good! When reading this, I can almost picture someone helping out in the hospital while loving every second of it. You learn valuable lessons during this experience, and I think a college will love to see that!
I think this is really good especially for a short answer.
From what I have read colleges like to see that you have immersed yourself in experiences like these. They like it even more when you have shown how you have developed because of them.