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Common app essay + short answer (The journey to authentic leaderships)


LinaVu 1 / 2  
Dec 21, 2008   #1
2! I'm applying to Mt Holyoke C, Lehigh U, Wheaton C -MA, Bucknell U, Lafayette C. Here's my essay and short answer in common app. Those are my first drafts. Because I am not E native speaker, perhaps my essays is not as good as others in EF. Anyway, pls revise them and give me advices and comments. I will try my best to correct any mistakes until my essays are better edited. Thanks a lot!

1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you

I read in my favorite article in Harvard Business Review that said: "The journey to authentic leaderships begins with understanding the story of your life". The opinion reflects all my thoughts. I love to keep my life narrative as a video recording in my head which I can see fantastic moments of my life. One of the most impressive clips I want to replay over and over is about the days when I was the director of a music show 2 years ago. Through this significant experience, I can discover more about my strengths and weaknesses to improve my leadership skills. The experience also enables me to understand more deeply about my leadership potential which stokes my passion to become a successful CEO in the future.

The first lesson I acquired throughout the experience is how to unite everyone. Members in group are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. A picture can not be complete if it lacks any pieces. A leader is responsible for combining all the pieces to make a nice "picture". Without my class's agreement to do the show, I would never imagine that the show could be performed after only one-week-preparation. At first, I thought it was a challenge for me to persuade all the students in my class to support the plan of setting up a music show to celebrate graduation day because everyone was busy preparing for the high school entrance examination. Although I knew it was not appropriate to ask my classmates to do the show at that time, there is a part inside me that is eager to make my idea come true. All I wanted is for my classmates to have fun and memorable event before leaving school. Having that thoughts wandering in my mind, I finally had a talk with all my classmates about the reason why everybody should participate in the show. "We are like needed blocks to build stable wall. We are like brothers and sisters in a big family. We are all in this together, one for all and all for one". It was amazing that I got my classmates really excited about doing the show. However, only Ly, a quiet girl who had rarely joined any activities of our class before, refused to take part in the show. Many other people advised me to ignore Ly's attitude and continue to carry out the plan. "Why don't you give yourself a chance to have unforgettable moments with your friends in secondary school, Ly? If I were you, I would feel really sad being isolated from my classmates. For once, try to be a part of our class. You might feel regret about today if you insist on separating yourself from our class." I told her. She started crying: "I do want to belong to our class and be a part of it but I never believe that I can do anything good for our class. I understand that the music show is really important to our class and other members. I am afraid that I would make mistakes and ruin the show. Trust me! Your idea is really amazing and I do not have any aggressiveness. I wish I could be like you who set up many interesting activities for our class". I smiled, "Don't worry. Everyone is willing to help you. You will never know if you never try. We are all in this together, remember? ". "You think I can help our class to prepare for the show? ", she was quite confused. "Absolutely, you can do it. We will do it together and have a successful show".

Another useful lesson I gained from the experience is how to manage nicely. Paul Keating had ever said: "Leadership is not about being nice. It's about being right and being strong". The leader don't have to be the most outstanding person but he need to be the most confident one who can find the right path and direct other members to follow it. In the preparation process, members' complaints and arguments were unavoidable. Because of time pressure and great amount of work, people quarreled with each others. Some even intended to give up their roles when they lost their confidence due to others' criticism. Placed in leadership position, I was responsible for objectively promoting members' abilities to contribute to the group's achievement. At that time when many members in my class did not believe they would be able to perform in front of thousands students, I felt quite worried. If someone quit, the show would be ruined. The crucial purpose of the show was that everyone had a joyful time before leaving school. Therefore, I decided to let all members know their important roles in the show: "If you do not have a beautiful voice, you may dance. You can also be excellent decorators, designers or stylists with good aesthetic appreciation. Even if you don't have talents in arts, you can still be successful performers with great enthusiasm and passion. Please remember, the show is not made by professional producers or arts specialized students but by ninth grader students with great motivation and determination. Try our best. We are winners who never give up. Quitters never win. Winners never quit". Everything seemed well-prepared in the show day except the absence of Lan - the lead singer because she fell off the bicycle when she went to school. I had no choice but to give her solo part to one of the backup singers. Firstly, she was confused about standing alone on a big stage so I gathered all members in class to stand with her and clap to make her feel better. Even then I will have other class with other friends but the image of everyone hand in hand standing together on the stage will always imprint in my mind.

At the moment when I am writing this essay, everything seems as if it happened just a few days ago. I still can see the happy faces of my classmates and hear the loud applause. Winning a gold medal, receiving a high prize or being famous can generally be regarded as success. Someone may think that it is ridiculous to regard the show as my success because I did not receive any prizes for doing this. To me, success is that once in my life I had a chance to challenge and develop my leadership skills through precious lessons. The members' happiness and faith in me are valuable gifts to me. I also have an opportunity to prove that nothing is impossible if I dream, I hope and I believe in myself. To conclude my essay, I wish to borrow Jane Austen's sayings in her famous novel "Ibid", which seems to reflect some of my wandering thoughts recently: "The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it, so fine that we are often on the line and do not know it".

2. Please elaborate on one of your activities (short answer)

I participate in many extracurricular activities, but the one I enjoy the most is volunteering for 3R-HN project. I participated in the project as the leader of "Environment education in school" program. My team, having about 40 people, established game shows, prepared materials and cooperated with schools to help students in those schools have better understanding of saving the environment and natural resources. In the position of a captain, I had the responsibility to plan and allot tasks to other members. To me, the most challenging thing was how to efficiently set up programs for pupils to enhance their knowledge about the environment, not to make them feel bored. The job required me both good understanding of the environment and teaching method which I had to improve everyday. Participating in the project was a great chance to develop my leadership and solving problem skills to succeed in the future.
joshua 3 / 10  
Dec 22, 2008   #2
Hi Lina,

music show 2 years ago. 2...two more accepted in formal writing

there is a part inside me that is eager to make my idea come true

Because of time pressure and great amount of work, people quarreled with each others....we quarrel with each other not others

Everything seemed well-prepared in .. (on) the show day except the absence of Lan - the lead singer because (she fell off the bicycle when she went to school.)

..I think you rather use the past participle...she had fallen off her bicycle on her way to school

did you astablish geme shows or did you organize them?

(At the moment when I am writing this essay,) .... As I am writing (the shoter the better) everything seems as if it happened just a few days ago. I still can see the happy faces of my classmates and hear the loud applause

The members' happiness and ..(thier) faith in me are (were.past tense) valuable gifts to me.

I participate in many extracurricular activities, but the one I enjoy the most is volunteering for 3R-HN project...change to past tense

Hmm. i think its rather too long!
You have a brilliant idea but i think you must be more specific and you better command your language better.
Check on your tenses, there is too much shift of tenses and times juss work on that!
I am glad you are applying to Lafayette, I applied in early decision but I got disappointed.

Good Luck!!!!! Josh
OP LinaVu 1 / 2  
Dec 22, 2008   #3
Thanks a lot, Josh! Your advices are really useful to me!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 22, 2008   #4
I'll italicize the title of the publication:

I read in my favorite article in Harvard Business Review that said: "The journey to authentic leaderships begins with understanding the story of your life."This opinion reflects all my thoughts.

The periods have to go inside the quotation marks:

She started crying: "I do want to belong to our class and be a part of it, but I never believe that I can do anything good for our class. I understand that the music show is really important to our class and other members. I am afraid that I would make mistakes and ruin the show. Trust me! Your idea is really amazing and I do not have any aggressiveness. I wish I could be like you who set up many interesting activities for our class."

I smiled, "Don't worry. Everyone is willing to help you. You will never know if you never try. We are all in this together, remember?"

"You think I can help our class to prepare for the show?" She asked, quite confused. "Absolutely, you can do it. We will do it together and have a successful show."

Good job, this tells a cool story!
OP LinaVu 1 / 2  
Dec 22, 2008   #5
Thank you very much, Kevin! Do you think I should shorten my story? What details I should remove to have cohesive essay? And what about the short answer?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 23, 2008   #6
Oh, I skipped right over the second one, sorry!! Here is a fix:

My team, which had about forty people, established game shows, prepared materials and cooperated with schools to help students acquire a better understanding of how to save the environment and natural resources.

And yes, you should shorten the story if possible. When you make the same points in fewer words, your writing is more powerful. Eliminate all that is unnecessary, trimming it down! Let's see what you come up with!

:)
Bliss 2 / 11  
Dec 30, 2008   #7
I think it's a little bit too long too>>


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