In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
Being four foot eleven and always the smallest player on the court the odds have always been against me. As a sixth grader, I had high hopes of being a part of my first school basketball team; due to my height I didn't even make it past first cuts. At first I was discouraged, but I realized that my love for this sport was not something I could let someone take away from me. I now play as a Mustang for the Walnut High School girls' varsity team. Although being cut seemed like the biggest let down of my life, I realize now that this did me a favor, making me push myself and go against the odds. Basketball has instilled in me a determination in which I could not have learned from anything else. I now apply this to all aspects of my life, not letting people's judgments keep me from going for what I want.
Your essay doesn't convey its meaning. it says elaborate on one activitiy, but I'm not sure whether you are talking about basketball, or varsity. and your essay sounds a little too elicit, too concrete. maybe you can change by not saying so much, but say in a clear way.
Ok, i will try and revise it, I took this portion from an essay I wrote previously on an extracurricular activity, but i'm not really sure how to cut it down into 150 words
Standing one inch short of five feet, and always the smallest player on the court, the odds have always been against me. As a sixth grader, I had high hopes of being a part of my first school basketball team, but due to my height I didn't even make it past first cuts. At first I was discouraged, but I realized that my love for this sport was not something I could let someone take away from me.
Start a new paragraph now:
I now play as a Mustang for the Walnut High School girls' varsity team. Although being cut seemed like the biggest let down of my life, I realize now that this did me a favor, making me push myself and go against the odds. Basketball has instilled in me a determination in which I could not have acquired from anything else. I now apply this to all aspects of my life, never letting people's judgments keep me from going for what I want.
Well, now that I read it I see what angela means... it was unclear when you referred back to having been cut from the 6th grade team. Just specify: Although being cut from the team during the sixth grade seemed like the biggest let down...
Then, it will be great! This shows determination and makes me wish I was the admissions person -- so I could accept you into the school!
:)
