Anyone mind telling me if this is a good topic/well-written? I'll be the happiest person in the world if you completely tear it apart. Thanks!
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
For both the winter and spring season of 11th grade, I participated in my school's theatre program. I'd never tried theatre before, and I went in thinking it'd be easy. After all, what's so hard about reading lines? I was pleasantly surprised that this was not so; theatre is much more than just reciting lines. Actors have to be cognizant of how they present themselves in a multitude of ways: body position, volume, position... I had to throw away my characteristic demeanor--which I'd never given much thought to before--and mold it to a fictional situation. Due to my newfound awareness of my self-presentation, I was now able to better moderate how I came across in general, such as my tendency to mumble or lean on one leg as opposed to both. Through imitating someone that wasn't real, I grasped a better hold on myself and how I came across to other people.
I think the strongest area in your paragraph is the middle.
Try to begin your first paragraph with an engaging idea.
When you say "For both the winter and spring season of 11th grade"
Try to avoid saying something something OF! I used to do that in my writing, and it sounds complicated.
In addition, it gives an impression of a "passive voice" rather than an activeo ne.
Also you say for both the winter and spring "SEASONS"...
I don't think you should say "pleasantly surprised" Because I don't think the surprise was pleasant, it wasn't anything immensely negative, however it's a little confusing on why it would be a pleasant surprise.
I like the line "I had to throw away my..." line. It shows an attribute you had to gain in this activity.
Another question, did you always have to mold yourself to a fictional situation?
Theater may be dramatic, may be realistic.
You can even mention, and mold it to ______, and name diverse characters.
This way, it shows diversity, and the multiple obstacles an actor or actress has to undergo.
"Through imitating someone that wasn't real, I grasped a better hold on myself and how I came across to other people." I am a little confused on what you're trying to say here.
Well I hope I completely torn your paragraph apart.
GOOD LUCK!
Thank you so much for your input! I revised it some, so I'm hoping it flows better this time in addition to addressing the concerns you listed above. Tear away for anyone who's interested :) Thanks again.
When people complained about how hard acting was, I always scoffed and dismissed their complaints. After all, I figured, how hard is it to read lines? Joining theatre in eleventh grade soundly smashed this perception; I went in thinking it'd be easy, but soon discovered that theatre is much more than just reciting lines. Actors must become their character, and thus being cognizant of how actors present themselves and empathizing with the character are a must. To this end, I had to throw away my characteristic demeanor--which I'd never given much thought to before--and mold it to a wide variety of situations and personalities, all while keeping in mind how the character would feel. Constantly thinking about how the character would feel and how I fit into the role undoubtedly made me more empathetic and better able to moderate how I came across in everyday life-no small feat at all.
I like your edit. I know there's a word limit, but you should elaborate more on how it influenced you. But I love the ending. The essay is concise and entertaining.
Take a look at mine?
Wow! SO muchhh bettterrrr! =)
The only thing now that caught my attention was
"Actors must become their character, and thus being cognizant of how actors present themselves and empathizing with the character are a must."
I think it's a pretty long sentence, which makes it wordy, you can make it two, if you like.
And agreeing with the comment above mine, the words are limited, in this sentence, you can take out unnecessary words.
Good luck!
