This is for the Common App Essay, minimum 250 words.
I chose this prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
What do you think of my essay? Does it answer what is asked? Any critiques? I really appreciate it!
P.S. I'm applying to Pepperdine University :)
In the Arms of the Angel
I found him in the strangest of places. His aura was white, almost blinding; yet, his presence seemed to draw you in like a light at the end of the tunnel. I could have sworn I saw wings at the tail of his coat, but the eerie calmness of the room could have made any person delirious. A part of me wanted to turn and run, but I could not help but feel entranced by the genial smile and the horn of trumpets.
"Angel," he spoke to me, firmly gripping my hand into his.
Yes, indeed.
"You're right on time," he said, glancing at his watch as if it actually mattered. The patients just got out of surgery." At the snap of his fingers, the serenity of the room was transformed into a roaring din by the rolling of wheels, incessant chatter, and irritating beeps.
Although I enjoyed the convivial presence of the medical staff made eight-hour volunteer days bearable, the county hospital was not exactly my summer destination. That is, until Angel me the freedom to fly.
It was a Thursday, informally named "The Do-Nothing" day, since the least amount of operations were made. Angel was in the break room, charming the new interns; I was outside - alone - filing patient information on the same blue computer chair I had been sitting in since I arrived that morning. Angel must have sensed my desperation so he said his goodbyes and walked over to me.
"Wanna come with me? Errands aren't that fun, but with you, I'm sure something exciting will happen," he teased.
I agreed skeptically and took his lead as we walked into the surgery center together. Every so often a doctor would look up and salute us from the viewing windows, solidifying my growing nervousness, but giving me a sense of importance. After what seemed like an endless walk, we entered the door at the end of the corridor.
A group of the brightest angels, all in their purest coats, were surrounding their subject. They all looked up and motioned me over to grab a mask and coat. After piecing myself together, I looked into the reflection of the metallic tool tray and stopped in surprise. I was becoming an angel, too.
The lab coated men proceeded in their daily duty. A rush of excitement surged through my body as the doctors opened the patient gently, as if the procedure was painless. Every so often, Angel would glance back at me, laugh at my astonished expression and continue on. I closed my eyes; although my eyes were amazed by the blood-stained tools shining inside the patient's body, my stomach was not. The next I knew, gasping voices.
I woke up, lightheaded, in the same room I had been watching over that morning. Apparently I had fainted watching the operation. Still groggy, I looked up and discovered the bright familiar figure.
"See, I told you it'd be exciting," he said. The head nurse, Jodie, rushed into the room, beckoning Angel to her. I overheard her reprimanding him for allowing someone as "delicate" as me to observe an operation. Despite the harsh criticism, Angel still grinned as he walked back towards my make-shift bed to "examine" some notes.
"Hey, kid, let me tell you something," he spoke to me softly, still pretending to leaf through the papers. "Don't ever, ever let anyone make you feel intimidated. Everything happens for a reason."
Those words were glued to my mind for the rest of the day, and today they continue to be etched in my brain. Angel was right. Volunteering for a hospital was not only a charitable cause, nor another achievement to write on college applications, it was the chance of a lifetime, a life lesson. Fate brought me to the post-operation room, and to the rightly named Angel. Blacking out in the operation room taught me not only that blood makes me squeamish; it showed me just how everything fell into place. Without fainting, Angel would have never freed me from my inhibitions.
I had dreamed of the perfect summer, splashing at the beach and roasting into a golden brown; the county hospital was not my idea of Saint Tropez. Instead of playing volleyball, I received vials of blood; a relaxing lawn chair exchanged with a rotating computer seat; a Brad Pitt look-a-like replaced with post-operation nurses. Yet, despite the loss of cute boys and a nice tan, I gained the confidence to take on life and more importantly, an eternal mentor. His coffee-stained lab coat was like a robe of ivory, his crooked smile a masterpiece. Everyone who crossed his path was a new person, like an angel who had finally received his wings. When I had awoken from a state of shock, I was not only clothed in the same ivory white, but I felt as if I were flying. If I weren't so delirious, I would have sworn I felt wings beneath me.
I walked into the hospital shy, anxious, and insecure. Now I walk with a humble pride, head high, confident that my decisions will bring me to my ultimate success. Every challenge is taken on with a smile, every hesitancy replaced with excitement. And Angel? His spirit walks within me.
His aura was white, almost blinding; yet, his presence seemed to draw you in like a light at the end of the tunnel. I could have sworn I saw wings at the end of his coat, but the eerie calmness of the room could could have made any person delirious.
Overall, great essay! You told a story, just like you were supposed to. And you told it amazingly well. The only other suggestions I can offer are to cut down the word count a bit so that it's around 500-600 words, and to cut out some of the parts when you say "he was an angel". Overall, very solid. Very good. Great job and good luck!
...seemed to draw you me in like a light at the end of the tunnel.-------you already started writing in the first person perspective, so it is good to continue that way.
Although I enjoyed the convivial presence of the medical staff made eight-hour volunteer days bearable, the county hospital was not exactly my (ideal?) summer destination.
What does this mean?----> That is, until Angel me the freedom to fly. ----- a word is missing?
Awesome, you have a cool way of thinking. Oh, this one is too much, though:
Those words were glued to my mind for the rest of the day, and today they continue to be etched in my brain. ---how about just one or the other, but not both (glued to and etched in). Simpler:
Those words were etched into my mind for the rest of the day, and today they still remain continue to be etched in my brain.
:-)
