Hello!
I'm finding myself nearly ready to send in my common application essay and artist's statement (for various chosen schools).
However, I find that I need a fresh set of eyes to read over and critique it.
I am using the "create your own topic" on the common app. selection form.
In August 2008 I found myself venturing on to an old, near-decrepit ship docked in a harbor on the Hudson River. I had come to this particular docking area with a group of fellow art enthusiasts whom I was taking a course with at the time. Encouraged to explore the area in order to find our own inspiration, I made my way with two of my closer friends onto the docked ship. We explored it's entirety, finding each rusted room more interesting than the last. Although the time was exciting and enjoyable for me, I had not discovered any major source of inspiration during our exploration. That is, of course, until I found myself in the engine room.
The inspiration hit me like wildfire. It truly was a glorious sight to behold. The mechanics of this brilliant piece of equipment were immense. At least 30 feet in diameter, I have no doubt. It was beautiful. The rust, although some may see as grimy and maltreated, was glorious and rich. Each grain of red, brown, gold, and yellow further drew me in to the beauty that I was beholding. I was pleasantly reminded of the vibrant coloring of the trees in Autumn. It was breath-taking. So, ignoring the questioning glances of my fellow explorers, I sat myself down on a somewhat clean wooden crate and began to draw. Every edge and divot, each point meeting with another to continue the chain of power. This was the true brilliancy of the creation of man. In a sense each gear represents the continuity of time, knowing that once one piece has done it's part, has moved it's inch, it will be time for another to continue it's work. How glorious.
In essence as well as reality, mankind has made but a minute impression upon the large span of reality. However small, mankind's presence certainly is not lacking in importance. As in the ways of mechanics, each individual piece helps to continue it's own work. The chain of being continues with each new presence upon our own planet and, in whole, our universe. It is this continuity of time and being that is fascinating to me. I do not intend to question my own presence upon this earth. I simply accept my existence, as I do others, and contribute them to the further continuation of life and reality. Such as the continuation of power behind the mechanics of technology. Man is not without importance within this world, just as any other form of existence, it is it's presence that helps to continue the weave of time and being. It is this existence that helps to form and continue to develop the chain of power.
I was always a child who took my toys apart. I remember going through at least ten TV remotes when I was young because I did not understand how clicking changed the channel on the television. I suppose that's where my endless curiosity of technology stems from. I was technologically driven and advanced due to the influence of a computer on my mind's development from the mere age of two, if not earlier. I have long remained constantly surrounded by this technology, it is a strong influence upon my own family and personal life. It is this continuing curiosity that compels me to experience and enhance the importance of technology in my own life through my art.
I often wonder why I had been placed in the time that I am, I have long desired to be a part of the mechanical age of man. The times when invention of movement, time, and life came about. However, it is then that I realize that that such an experience would have been impossible for me to live through. Although these great creations were made, the creations that have led me to survive my first years of life were not. So I must now continue to dream about those times and wish that, if only, more members of my own generation would grow to appreciate the beauty that has been laid out before us.
Any help and suggestions for revision would be truly helpful.
Thank you in advance and have a Happy New Year!
Your essay is brilliant! until now, it's one of the best that I have seen. There are virtually no mistakes in grammar and spelling, the the structure and examples are just so good.
angela
Thank you.
O.O
My main fear is that my writing and wording itself is either unusual or awkward as I have a tendency to write in such a fashion.
It's often confusing to my readers.
As well, I can't help but wonder if it is too 'standoff-ish.'
Particularly with my repitition of the word 'glorious' in the second paragraph.
><!
In August 2008 I found myself venturing onto an old, near-decrepit ship docked in a harbor on the Hudson River. I had come to this particular docking area with a group of fellow art enthusiasts with whom I was taking a course with at the time.
...
Get rid of the extra stuff, because it detracts from your power!
The inspiration hit me like wildfire. It truly was a glorious sight to behold. The mechanics of this brilliant piece of equipment were immense. At least 30 feet in diameter, I have no doubt. It was beautiful. The rust, although some may see as grimy and maltreated, was glorious and rich. Each grain of red, brown, gold, and yellow further drew me in to the beauty that I was beholding. I was pleasantly reminded of the vibrant coloring of the trees in Autumn. It was breath-taking. So, ignoring the questioning glances of my fellow explorers, I sat myself down on a somewhat clean wooden crate and began to draw.
Ah, it is good that you sat down and used inspiration when it hit you. Excellent, that is good to include in this essay.
Find a good transition sentence to segue into this next part. Tack the trans sentence onto the beginning of this paragraph:
I was always a child who took my toys apart. I remember going through at least ten TV remotes when I was young because I did not understand how clicking changed the channel on the television.
I often wonder why I had been born into this particular place and time in history; I have long desired to be a part of the mechanical age of humankind. The times when invention of ...
Nice ending!!!!
