I really need help on my essay: proof reading, suggestions, anything that will help. I couldn't help noticing that a lot of people wrote stories. I'm really bad at writing the typical "college essay" like "Why (College Name)."
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
As a member and a captain of a teenage community service group, ASC (Athletes Serving the Community) each event I volunteer for has had a significant influence on the way I view life now. ASC mainly helps out by volunteering to clean the city; such as the Charles River Cleanup and assisting in community fund raisers; for example the Jolly Jaunt is a race to raise money for the Special Olympics. These events are all very rewarding, along with a feeling of community pride. I also feel more aware and knowledgeable of situations impacting the community. This year in particular I volunteered for an event called Christmas in the City. It was held in the Bayside Expo Center and over 70 homeless shelters in the Greater Boston Area were invited to celebrate the Christmas holiday.
Over 1,000 people showed up, most of whom were single parents with children. I was unaware on how many homeless people lived in Boston, I felt melancholy when I saw all of them standing outside, but once I saw all the adorable children's smiles and my body was filled with joy and the holiday spirit once again. I made it my goal to show the little children a great time. Along with other volunteers, we helped in preparation of food and helped decorate the place. We did our best to show the kids a good time and served the people a nice warm Christmas lunch. I decided to dress up in enormous costumes, Rudolf and the Gingerbread Man to amplify the place with Christmas spirit. I took pictures and gave high-fives and hugs to little kids and there parents. There was nothing more gratifying than seeing a child's smile. Each of the kids received a gift, donated by KB Toys and all the little ones freaked out once they saw Santa Claus.
After everyone settled down, we opened up a gate which lead to a "Winter Wonderland." It had moon bounces, rides, a petting zoo, and arts and crafts stations. A few teary eyed parents came up to my friends and I and thanked all of us for giving them the best Christmas they ever had. They explained how much hardship they endured this year and were worried that they would have nothing to give to there kids on Christmas. They said that this was the best Christmas they themselves and there children have had and could not have asked for anything more. I was just overwhelmed with there pure emotions and this made me reevaluate my life. I took for granted everything I had: a home, a car, and presents under the tree. I am very lucky for all the things I have and now I am also grateful for them also. The day was dedicated to the homeless and to show all of them a great time, I was truly moved by there sincere responses and believe I gained a lot out of this experience and had as much fun as they did.
Thank You very much
First, the good news -- the experience you picked is perfectly suitable for this sort of essay. The bad news: you spend far too much time telling and far too little time showing. For instance, "I felt melancholy," "I was just overwhelmed with there pure emotions and this made me reevaluate my life," "I took for granted everything I had," "I am very lucky for all the things I have and now I am also grateful for them also.," "I was truly moved by there sincere responses." All of these phrases involve you telling the reader how you felt instead of showing them. Worse, to explain how the homeless felt, you resort to repeating statements they made in which they told you how they felt, rather than showing this through your description of them. Try revising this essay to include a lot more descriptive detail, and to eliminate a lot of the bland, uninteresting statements that currently characterize it.
yes, i am agreed with sean. And my additional comment is , your introduction contain to many details. i think it is better for you to make it concise and cover the reasons why you choose to tell this story.
Hope it help:)
Great advice from Sean!
Also, look below how it is better to write out the name of the organization followed by the acronym, instead of the other way around:
As a member and a captain of a teenage community service group, Athletes Serving the Community (ASC) each event I volunteer
...
More than 1,000 people showed up
...
A few teary-eyed parents...
...
I am very lucky for all the things I have, and now I am even more grateful for them .
thanks for the help everyone.
I have another question though, on the Trinity essay it says write a 1 page responce, is that single or double space?
This is something that gives you an excuse to call the admissions office, and tell your name, make a good impression, and ask your intelligent question. Ask about the preferred format and spacing for the essay. Generally, though, double spaced essays are the norm. Double space, times new roman, and one inch margins all around.
