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The Me I am Today - Common App; background or story of an international student


silverw 1 / 3  
Sep 22, 2014   #1
Hello! So I am an international student applying using common app and I have chosen prompt #1

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

***

It is easy to compare most of the people I have known in my early life to the Daleks from Skaro, a species of mutated creatures from Doctor Who. In my life, I have come across people who seem to lack the ability to feel pity, remorse and compassion and I have learnt that you meet these kinds of people in every walk of life. Like the Fifth Doctor once said, "However you respond is seen as an act of provocation". This was, I once thought, the answer to my problems, to not respond.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when it began, neither can I discern who exactly started it. The only thing I am sure of is that it lasted a significant amount of time, in fact, it was part of my childhood. It's quite ironic that I was still kind to them despite everything, in fact, I shared many similar things to a lot of them so it confused seven-year old why they would target me.The only question, that even today I have yet to find the answer to, is why me. My primary school teachers would describe me back in those days as diligent, yet talkative, it was just part of who I was. I have always had a passion for expressing myself and back then, no filter was applied. But if it's one thing I hardly if ever, spoke to anyone about, was the bullying. As time went on, however, and I began to keep things to myself, I became more quiet. It was then I needed an escape, a platform to voice what I basically had no one to tell, thankfully I found it.

...

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 23, 2014   #2
- So, who were the Daleks in your life? What did they do to you or how did you act in a way that always provoked them? When you use a quote as strong as the one above, you need to follow it up with a personification in your own life. Otherwise the reader is left wondering about what you are trying to tell or describe to us.

I began writing and I never stopped.

- Did all of these accomplishments on your end help to end or at least ease the bullying you were experiencing? How would you relate this back to the quote that you wrote? Remember, your quote becomes the central basis for the theme and content of your essay. So every portion has to have a relationship, direct or otherwise to what you stated.

Looking back, I would like to believe that the me ten years ago would be proud of the me today. The funny thing about it is, today I am friends with some of the very same people who use to bully me. Some have even apologized.

- So writing helped to end the bullying? When did you realize that you had finally stopped provoking them? If this is a story about overcoming bullying, then you should mention some important aspects about your experience that led to your realization and love for writing.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 23, 2014   #3
Silverw, you have improved the essay a great deal. However, I still have some corrections and suggestions to make for your further consideration :-)

- I have learned that... " you respond is seen as..."

I cannot pinpoint exactly when the bullying began, the only thing I am sure of is that it lasted a significant amount of time, in fact, it was part of my childhood. It's quite ironic that I was still kind to them despite everything, in fact, I shared many similar things to a lot of them so it confused seven-year old why they would target me. My primary school teachers would describe me back in those days as diligent, yet talkative, it was just part of who I was. I have always had a passion for expressing myself and back then, no filter was applied. But I hardly, if ever, spoke to anyone about the bullying. As time went on, I began to keep things to myself, I became more quiet. It was then I needed an escape, a platform to voice what I basically had no one to tell, thankfully I found it.

- Bullying was a part of my childhood. ... may similar things with them so I was confused as to why...
- We already established that the bullying was a part of your childhood. There is no need to mention an age anymore.

- How did you discover writing as a channel to release your anger about bullying? You should relate this to the voice that you found through writing. How did you feel the first time you wrote about what was troubling you?

My high school's guidance counselor has always been supportive to me and I believe an emotional talk about bullying shaped in me a need to never be that kind of person . To this day I believe one of the greatest gift you can give to someone is kindness, no matter what its form. Eventually this need led to some fellow students and me forming our school's Anti-Bullying Movement, the first of it's kind on the island and school, creating awareness of bullying. I recall one day during homeroom, when we were to go to different classes to talk to the students about the movement and bullying in general, and for the first time in a really long time, I shared my story. I can never forget the look on the face of one of the girls when she called me aside to share with me her own story, nor can I forget the feeling that developed inside of me. Even today I feel this emotion inside of me when people confide in me that I cannot put into words.

- Your guidance counselors support should be a separate paragraph but they are irrelevant to the topic being discussed at this point so I advise you to completely omit that topic instead.

Looking back, I would like to believe that the me ten years ago would be proud of the me today. The funny thing about it is, today I am friends with some of the very same people who use to bully me. Some have even apologized.

- Could you talk more about the closure that you received by befriending and receiving apologies from the bullies? That will make the conclusion happier and softer yet notable in impact :-)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 5, 2014   #4
Silverw, nice to have you back :-) Let's get back to work then.

I have come across people who seem to lack the ability to feel pity, remorse and compassion and I have learned that you meet these kinds of people in every walk of life.

- ... compassion. Sadly, I have also learned that we meet and deal with these types of people in our everyday lives.

Like the Fifth Doctor once said,

-... Doctor Who once...

I began writing and I never stopped

- I began writing to release my tension and anger at the bullies and I never ...

first form

- Clarify what first form is for those who may not be familiar with it.

Submerging myself i

- Immersing myself...

my bullies andme

- and I ...

I recall fondly a classmate of mine asking me to write a poem for our Biology teacher for teacher's day, to this day that complement has humbled me and I have found joy in the happiness of others.

- This deviates from the topic that you chose which is bullying and its effect on you.

fellow students and me

- ... and I ...

I recall one day during homeroom, when we were to go to different classes to talk to the students about the movement and bullying in `general, and for the first time in a really long time , I shared my story

Excellent topic development. I am confident that this paper will be ready for you soon :-) Your writing skills are fast developing ;-)
OP silverw 1 / 3  
Oct 9, 2014   #5
Thank you so much Vangiespen, you have truly been amazing and extremely helpful. I too am becoming very confident in this piece.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 9, 2014   #6
Glad to have you back Slilverw :-) Let's try to polish this some more ;-)

It is easy to compare most of the people I have known in my early life to the Daleks, a species of mutated creatures from Doctor Who.

- For those who are not familiar with Dr. Who, a simple description or definition of the Daleks will come in handy. Just so the admission officer will understand why you compared your bullies to them.

teachers would describe me back in those days as diligent,. yet talkative, it was just part of who I was.

a platform to voice what I basically had no one to tell, thankfully I found it.

- a platform that would allow me to say what I could not tell anyone. Thankfully, I found it in writing.

I began writing to release my tension and anger at the bullies and I never stopped. I discovered writing as a way to express myself and it wasn't until first form, the beginning of high school,

Immersing myself in my writing and the growth in maturityin both my bullies and

- ... and the maturity that the bullies and I were achieving...

they though

- they thought ...

offered a window to widen my writing subjects to greater aspects .

- a great window of opportunity to write about various aspects of life.

movement and bullying and, I shared my story.

her own story,.nN or can I forget the feeling that developed inside of me. Even today I feel this emotion inside of me when people confide in me that I cannot put into words.

seeing them as and

- ... I was seeing the past events of my life ...

The apologies eventually lead to the formation of friendship between a few of my past bullies and I. The forgiveness I have shown them has in turn given me peace.

- Over time, the matured perspectives led the bullies and I to understand that we truly had no conflict between us. The time for apologies and forgiveness had come...

Note the suggestions and changes I made. There are some portions that I seem to have corrected repeatedly already. Kindly double check your work before you post it again. Make sure you adhere to the corrections I presented. The essay is almost ready for submission :-)
OP silverw 1 / 3  
Oct 11, 2014   #7
Thank you! I believe it is almost ready as well. You have certainly helped me to enhance it.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 11, 2014   #8
Silverw, I have one last round of revisions and recommendations to make and then I will probably agree with you about this essay being ready to submit :-)

that normally bear the resemblance of human sized pepper shakers.

- The description I am actually after is why your bullies remind you of Daleks. Are they also bullies? What is their personality like? What is the reason you compare your bullies to them? Make the connection between the two.

everything,. in fact,

diligent,- yet talkative

talkative,. it was just part of who I was.

- Silverw, please double check your punctuation marks and make sure that you do not have commas where periods should be and vice-versa. That seems to be a recurring problem in this version of your essay.

I began writing to release my tension and anger at the bullies and I never stopped

- What did you write about? Give some examples to give the reader an idea of your topics and why this became a release method for you.

ultimately leading me to join two writing and speech based groups

- The concentration of the essay should solely be on the activities that helped you with your writing.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 14, 2014   #9
Silverw, I swear the essay is near perfect already. There are still a few errors that we need to clean up. I think we will be all set with this version after :-)

and it wasn't, the beginning of high school, that I decided to share this with others,

- I think you mean" it was not till the beginning of high school." The way you wrote the statement does not make sense.

the maturity that the bullies and I was achieving eventually lea d to the end of the bullying.

- ... and I were achieving eventually led to the ...

one of the greatest gift

... greatest gifts ...
OP silverw 1 / 3  
Oct 18, 2014   #10
How is this?
***

It is easy to compare most of the people I have known in my early life to the Daleks, a species of mutated creatures from Doctor Who. The Daleks themselves can be considered, the Doctor's bullies. I have come across people who, like the Daleks, seem to lack the ability to feel pity, remorse and compassion. Sadly, I have also learned that we meet and deal with these types of people in our everyday lives. Like the Fifth Doctor who once said, "However you respond is seen as an act of provocation". Bullies were the Daleks in my life and it seemed to me that no matter what I did, despite my kind response, it was only seen as provocation and further reason for my torment.

Bullying was part of my childhood. It's quite ironic that I was still kind to them despite everything. In fact, I shared many similar things with them so I was confused as to why they would target me. My primary school teachers would describe me back in those days as diligent,yet talkative. It was just part of who I was. I have always had a passion for expressing myself and back then, no filter was applied. But I hardly, if ever, spoke to anyone about the bullying. As time went on, I began to keep things to myself, I became more quiet. It was then I needed an escape, a platform that would allow me to say what I could not tell anyone. Thankfully, I found it in writing.

I began writing to release my tension and anger at the bullies and I never stopped. I began by mostly writing about my emotions and the emotions of others. I found it calming and very therapeutic. I discovered writing as a way to express myself and it was not till the beginning of high school, that I decided to share this with others, easing the bullying and ultimately leading me to join two writing groups. Writing empowered me and allowed me to voice what I feared to say out loud, whether it was anger, sadness or confusion. Immersing myself in my writing and the maturity that the bullies and I were achieving eventually led to the end of the bullying. They began to see a different me, a more confident, less doubtful person than they thought they knew in primary school. Writing did that for me. It created a platform, where my reaction was not seen as 'provocation', and offered a great window of opportunity to write about various aspects of life.

To this day I believe one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone is kindness, no matter what its form. Eventually this need led to some fellow students and I forming our school's Anti-Bullying Movement, the first of it's kind on the island and school, creating awareness of bullying. I recall one day during homeroom, when we were to go to different classes to talk to the students about the movement and bullying, I shared my story. I can never forget the look on the face of one of the girls when she called me aside to share with me her own story. Nor can I forget the feeling that developed inside of me. Even today I feel this emotion inside of me when people confide in me that I cannot put into words.

Looking back, I would like to believe that the me ten years ago would be proud of the me today. It occurred to me that I was seeing the past events of my life through the eyes of a child, instead as matured, young adults. Over time, the matured perspectives led the bullies and I to understand that we truly had no conflict between us. The time for apologies and forgiveness had come. The apologies eventually lead to the formation of friendship between a few of my past bullies and I. The forgiveness I have shown them has in turn given me peace.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 18, 2014   #11
Silverw, in my opinion, the essay is ready for submission. It already answers the prompt, does not contain grammatical and sentence structure errors, and is polished to the best it can be. I do not think there is anything more that we can add to this paper. Have the confidence to submit this paper in its current form. It should work well for you.

However, if you feel that there are certain elements that you want to add to the paper, or you think that there is more than can be done, you will have to show me what those are by adding it to the essay and then posting it here. Then I can advice you regarding its relevance to the prompt and whether it helps to enhance the paper or not. Remember, the only one who can really decide if the paper is ready would be you. If you are confident with the content and form of the paper, then go for it :-)


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