Well, this is my first thread, and slightly hesitant to post here. But I will give it a shot. Please note I am posting this essay for feedback on content and material not necessarily grammar or mechanics. I have already submitted this essay to colleges but recently found this site. I merely want assurance and truth weather or not this essay ranks to top tier college standards. Thank you very much. The prompt exactly states: "A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you." (CommonApp.org)
I have always had a subconscious craving for knowledge - not the knowledge derived from random memorized facts, but knowledge that comes from experience. Looking back now, I seem to have ended up in some adventure or another that has instilled experience, and amalgamated them into a pool of what I call my perspective. Many of my extracurricular passions are mainly the result of my academic achievements. Yet ironically, many of my academic achievement are due to my extracurricular experiences--which have allowed me to think outside of the box to further grasp my understanding of the subject at hand. Hence, it is safe to say, my academics and extracurricular endeavors go hand in hand to shape my general perspective.
When ingenuity meets passion, I think the only outcome is success. I was able to apply my passion for both science and acoustics by incorporating the physics, chemistry, and biology that I learned in AP and gifted courses throughout high school into one substantial project --purely driven by curiosity. It took two acoustic versions of Dave Matthews Band, one bass thumping Lil Wayne track, and a summer on Ground Floor Post-Anesthesia Care Unit at the local hospital to materialize an idea which captivated my imagination. Would vibrations from sound like those from Dave's symbols or Wayne's bass synth influence concentration gradients of water soluble antibiotics? So with a few trials and errors, I proceeded to observe and document a real life phenomenon: ultrasound's effect on molecular diffusion through bacterial cells. The physics behind acoustics helped me test my biologically relevant hypothesis with chemistry, supporting my conclusions at the molecular level. Turns out, there is indeed a potentially beneficial relationship between ultrasound radiation and diffusion of water soluble antibiotics. By using real life application of what was being taught, I simultaneously further grasped physics and chemistry the year I conducted the research. Having only a high school environment and hardware to my disposal, I was still able to achieve international recognition by Intel for my observations.
I do not, however, believe discovery only happens under strict scrutiny in a research environment. It is sometimes a collaborative effort. As the founder and president of "Green Team," I feel honored to have witnessed first-hand the potential of such collaboration. As a new club to the school, only in its second year, it has rallied more than fifteen members who are actively interested in the club's motives and activities. I strongly believe eco-friendly innovations will continually spring up, and research is naturally going to find breakthroughs, but what growing independent teenagers need is a change in mentality. To promote "green thoughts," I had to set an example. A couple of my enthusiastic friends and I decided to pioneer the collaboration of members from other schools via "Be The Change Day Atlanta." We collaborated with Alpharetta High School's Science National Honors Society to help cultivate land at Atlanta Food Bank. What we expected to be an air conditioned factory setting with packaged goods turned out to be a community plot in the ghettos of Atlanta dominated by red Georgian fire ants, eerie weeds, and rusty equipment. Together, we overcame our initial hesitation of our work and environment to create a viable mini-crop garden for a less fortunate community.
Discovery does not occur without curiosity. Medical science is something I have always found to be enigmatic; it is biology, chemistry, and practicality integrated as one. Hence, to feed my curiosity, I decided to indulge myself in a whole different world. Since the summer following my freshman year of high school, I have volunteered at Northside Hospital. During my first summer, I volunteered at the infusionary center where I had the opportunity to comfort elderly cancer patients. Nonetheless my real exposure to the medical realm -- and to reality -- came from helping in the Post-Anesthesia Care Unit. As a volunteer, my job description consisted of comforting patients with warm blankets, transferring patients into their room beds, and aiding technicians. What the job description failed to depict was the work's side effects: reinforced gut in response to witnessing gruesome wound sites, insight into the medical procedures, and an inspiring respect for nature. Some discoveries are realizations, and what I realized then, during these short priceless summers, was that my future lies in the medical realm, and my search for knowledge will never cease just like the experiences I indulge in. Medicine is the best of both worlds: humanitarian work which subdues my scientific curiosities and facilitates growth from the experience it provides. These summers alone laid the foundation for so many of my future ambitions. From finding parallels between MRSA patients with my last year's ultrasound and antibiotic's research to expressing an epiphany on a web-blog on cancer, my summers at Northside Hospital have morphed my motives towards being more philanthropic and open-minded.
Volunteering at Northside Hospital fostered my enthusiasm in becoming a "Jeff Ellis and Associates" certified lifeguard, which literally proved to be a lifesaver to some degree --not just within the pool area. My experience and training as a lifeguard enhanced my abilities with the knowledge to sustain unconscious life and rescue/assess medical emergencies. In one of my annual trips to India, I witnessed an appalling hit-and-run road side accident victimizing a five year-old girl and her grandmother. With a pocket full of foreign currency in a third world country, and a background of medical emergency assessment, I was able to administer first aid during congested New Delhi traffic and purchase quick transport to a nearby clinic. This was more of a surreal event in my life than a proud one. I now see the beloved country in which I was born in a different perspective: dismally flawed. Crippled infrastructure left roadside victims to the mercy of pedestrians, undertrained medical personnel lacked urgency during such an emergency situation, and with such a vast population, a single life seemed merely statistically lost in the one billion strong, rather than individually precious. Such harrowing scenarios can turn a person pessimistic or optimistic. It is with optimism that I acknowledge this experience of mine as proof of the fact: knowledge is convenient only if one is able to apply it. I have begun to quickly realize how every bit of information I come across is essential to whatever life has to throw at me --or an innocent pedestrian.
Every life experience of mine delivers a new perspective, and that above all is what I bring to a tightly knit college community. I feel that the greatest investment of any individual is his or her unique contribution to a community; it is this accrual that compiles interests over time to construct colleges into rich central nodes of progress. With an ambition to be part of a new movement in change, I highly doubt my life experiences will cease to change and continually encourage me as an individual --especially in college. With colleges' research facilities, diverse student populations, and independence, I aim to fully exploit my college experience to aid in establishing a better community, locally and globally, and contribute to the world in some way.
Reduce the number of adverbs, but don't take out the meaningful ones, like "ironically."
Looking back now, I seem to have ended up in some In retrospect, I see that this attitude always led me from one adventure to another, instilling experience and enabling me to amalgamate their many lessons into the pool that is my perspective. Many of my extracurricular passions are mainly the results of my academic achievements.
I don't know whether to tell you if this meets "top tier college standards," because everybody's subjective opinions differ. I think of writing as art, and I appreciate the glimpse you gave me into your meaningful process.
Hence, it is safe to say, my academics and extracurricular endeavors go hand in hand to shape my general perspective.----> fine, but whay tell us this? Is this what the essay is about?
As I continue reading, I see that the point made in the intro does not apply specifically to the content of the essay. It is a general intro that could be used for anyone's personal statement. It is quite eloquent, though. Still, I think you should look at these body paragraphs and think about the common thread that runs through the experiences you discuss. Whatever that common thread is, discuss it in the intro and conclusion paragraphs; that way, the reader will definitely feel that a powerful impression has been made on her.
For example, at the end of the first para, you might list a few of the important experiences discusses in the essay and tell what they all have in common. If they all involve both hands on experience and studying, you can keep that as the theme of your essay, but you really should refer to each point in relation to you your theme IN THE TOPIC SENTENCE FOR EACH PARAGRAPH.
Anyway, having said all that, I also think this is an excellent essay already.
