Do I spend too much time explaining, and not enough time expanding on how much he has influenced me? I am unsure of how to expand on this, or what else to say.
I also do need a title.
Input please! (:
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Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
A physicist is such a romantic job, using numbers to explain and calculate how the universe works. As a child, I have never thought that numbers could be beautiful, that science could be romanic. In fact, although I spent a good portion of my life wanting to go into a Science-related field, I have never fallen in love with it, only, I have fallen out of love with it. That is, before I picked up Cosmos, by Carl Sagan. How did I discover this brilliant book, how did I discover how beautiful life is? How beautiful science is? From a simple Youtube video.
In the beginning of my senior year of high school, I was surfing the web like I regularly do, when I discovered this video. At first, I was about to skim it. It was a remix featuring two scientists, Carl Sagan, and Stephen Hawking. Being completely unabsorbed or interested in such videos, I was about to close the window, when something held me back.
After listening to this song for the first time, I decided it was worthy of another listen, so I replayed the video again. And again. And again. What did I fall in love with in that song? It was catchy definitely, but there was something more than that: the lyrics were absolutely stunning. With each listen, I became more absorbed by his simple words. "A still more glorious dawn awaits, not a sunrise, but a galaxy runs, a morning filled with 400 billion suns, the rising of the Milky Way". This scientist spoke like a true poet, and I had to learn more about him! So I did. After Googling for hours, I have discovered a lot about him. He used to smoke Marijuana, he advocated SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence), and he wrote a book and a series called Cosmos.
Eager to read some of his works, I went to buy Cosmos the next day. Upon the first words, "The cosmos is all that is or ever was, or ever will be", I was entranced. He has explained the universe and science in such beautiful prose that even those who would typically never even touch a book would spend hours flipping through the pages. Although I did not have a lot of time to engage in reading nowadays, I spent a good portion of the next few days after buying the book eagerly flipping through the pages. I felt humbled by his words, and excited about what I had just learned.
During my senior year, I have become stressed and tired due to personal issues, school, and generally life. Each day has become increasingly harder to get by, with work pilling up, relationships faltering, and family issues, and substandard grades. Being in what seems to be the most challenging International Baccalaureate program possible, I'm surrounded by negativity and classmates, who similarly to me, feel too stressed and burned out. Yet, every time I think back upon how difficult life is, I turn back to Cosmos and Carl Sagan's words, and I feel inspired to continue marching on through another day. Although I have become tired of Science due to the intensity of those courses offered at my school, I have become touched by the words of Sagan, and fallen in love again with the beauty of science, with how life was created.
How has my life been changed? I haven't had to overcome some difficult obstacle, and my life hasn't been completely altered by this man. Carl Sagan hasn't inspired me to become a theoretical physicist or change my life plans, but what he has inspired me to do is a lot simpler than that. He has allowed me to appreciate the world in ways I haven't been able to before. Now, halfway through my senior year, with deadlines pilling up behind my head, winter "breaks" writing labs and English essays galore, and friends who aren't so friendly anymore, I have a lot more faith in my future, and of the life surrounding me. Every time I look back upon his words, upon what he has written in those 300 pages of utter brilliance, I am inspired to keep on moving on. I am inspired by what has been created, of the civilizations that came from stardust, of the molecular structures that reside in us which have evolved from bacteria. Sadly, I will never be able to meet this great man, but his words have inspired me forever. His ability to make me appreciate the universe and life during this time has allowed me to truly admire the man, and to think, I discovered him from a simple Youtube video!
Do I spend too much time explaining, and not enough time expanding on how much he has influenced me?
I have not looked at the essay yet, but if you are asking that question you probably did!! The most important part is the thoughtful introspection.
5 minutes later:
Now that I have read the essay, I see that I was wrong in my assumption. This explains a LOT about you, because the story shows your (very impressive) interest in this field. Stephen Hawking has produced some beautiful writing, hasn't he? However, you still were right when you said you gave too much explanation. Look at this:
Eager to read some of his works, I went to buy Cosmos the next da y.---> don't begin a para this way as if you are telling a story about an event. Use one solid paragraph to expound the fact that Hawking's and Sagan's writing hit home with you, and prove your appreciation for it with the mention of a few key concepts.
This really is quite excellent, for sure. Revise for conciseness. :-) Also, no need to mention marijuana as one of the interesting things you learned about him; no need to make the reader prejudiced against you (i.e. if s/he happens to be strongly opposed to marijuana). You can mention it if you want to, but it might make some readers feel prejudiced against you! Consider replacing it with an idea about science.
