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Undergraduate   Posts: 4

Common App College Essay- Im applying Early Decision to Syracuse so I want this to be good!


LuchianoP 2 / 4 1  
Oct 18, 2018   #1

a gateway to my own introspection



Pearl is her name. She's a little bulkier than most but gives an invigorating feeling when I put my hands on. Anywhere I go, she's right there with me, hand in hand. I was in the 9th grade when I met her, and oh boy, it was love at first sight. As I walked into the Office Depot and set eyes on the Falcon Black fountain pen on the middle shelf just above my eye level, I knew we would be best friends for a long time to come. Since then, Pearl has been my partner in crime as we work together to write unique arguments, compose refutations, and flow a perfect speech.

Writing has always been more than just taking notes or crafting frivolous essay's. I use it as a gateway to my own introspection. Initially, when my parents got divorced I didn't know what to feel-I had been lost in an abyss-but returning to a pen and paper gave me a sense of reassurance. It has almost turned into a metaphor for my life. Are certain words over dramatic and harm the message I'm trying to create? Should I worry about the flow instead of the content?

Words are immensely personal; anyone reading them will have a different interpretation shaped by his or her experiences, but only the author knows what was going on in their head when a single word has been imprinted onto a sheet a paper for eternity. It took me a long time to flip the switch between writing as a personal indulgence and writing as a platform.

Over the years, Pearl has served as my instrument allowing my personality to be stamped onto paper. Through thick and thin, she worked by my side resulting in my own legislation being introduced to the FL Senate and House targeting the process and efficiency of H1-B visas. The following week, after the proposition, I noticed someone in class isolated and buried in their research. My curiosity propelled me to her, and with a burst of social confidence, I eagerly introduced myself to Azzezat, a Nigerian refugee. Azzezat was eager as well... eager to get away. Startled by my presence, Azzezat reluctantly responded with a thick accent asking "what am I doing"? I'm sure it wasn't every day when a young Hispanic boy greets a new foreign girl wearing a hijab simply to be polite. After striking up a conversation I showed Azzezat the legislation I had been advocating.

Immediately the embodiment of solitude eroded while joy emerged with a glaring smile; as if this may have been the first time she found solace. Azzezat struggled for stability and inclusivity, however, through a simple sheet of paper, all perceived linguistic and cultural barriers had been torn down and a meaningful connection had been formed. In retrospection, I may never meet every individual affected by my legislation, but I will always remember the palpable power of Azzezats smile and its eternal effect on me.

They say you never forget your first love. Despite, the fact that Pearl remains retired in a drawer after years of demanding work, the passion I've been able to script with her and the impact that writing has had on my perspective of life will last forever. It's memories such as my exchange with Azzezat that have sculpted me into the person I am today. Although, my high school career may be coming to an end, having been able to share my writing has not only been a privilege but has prepared me for the next chapter in my life. Reflecting on the adventures of my short 17-year span lifetime, I've come to the realization that my journey with Pearl has allowed me to print eloquent speeches, empower minorities, and live my life through a diverse font.

Please tell me what you think! Are there any parts that should be reworded or change certain words? Currently my essay is at 633/650 words

vanshika2001 1 / 2 1  
Oct 21, 2018   #2
Hi, I have made a few corrections below. I hope this helps!

... bulkier than most but gives an ... my hands on I get an invigorating feeling every time I hold her.

... frivolous essay's.

... got divorced, I ... to feel-- I ... abyss-- but returning ...

It has ... metaphor for my life. I like this sentence, but you should state the metaphor. Otherwise, it is meaningless.

Are certain words ... Should I worry ... These questions sound out of place.

"what am I doing?"?

Overall I really like this essay! The part about Azzezat is really touching. I think you just need to focus on the flow and change a few small grammatical errors, and you'll be good to go. Good luck!
Mpham2017 - / 1  
Oct 24, 2018   #3
@LuchianoP
This is exactly like the essay from a YouTuber called Nicolas Chae (he goes to Princeton). Except the subject is changed from a camera to a fountain pen. I advise you to NOT use this essay unless you want your application to be declined from every top colleges.
OP LuchianoP 2 / 4 1  
Oct 25, 2018   #4
I'm not going to change the essay because someone had a similar idea. Of course someone probably had a similar idea in the past colleges read thousands of essays every year. I researched the person Nicholas Chae and our plot is completely different and the storyline is different. Thanks for letting me know about possible plagiarism.


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