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It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence


vallh6018 1 / 8 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Hi guys! I would really love to get some feedback on my essay. The prompt is: "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." --- I wrote about Satoshi Tajiri (the creator of Pokemon) and I'm really trying to convey my love of art and how Pokemon inspired me to get into it. I've left comments in parenthesis within my essay to note places I need some assistance with. Also, keep in mind that I am not applying for art school and I'm using this opportunity to show I have an extracurricular activity (b/c I don't do sports or music). Please be brutal. I'll be happy to give feedback on you essays if you comment :)

Often when we reflect upon our favorite televisions series, movies, and comics we discuss the influences of the tenacious protagonist, the trustworthy companions, or the heart wrenching struggle of the misunderstood villain, but rarely do we consider the mind behind the work. It's the minds behind the work that captivate the masses, their creative endeavors personified that move us, and their courage to share their work that allows us to become inspired. (I'm struggling w/ finding a transition sentence here)

Every Saturday morning just a little before 8 o'clock, I, in unison with hundreds of other American children, plopped myself in front of the television ready to be captivated by the iconic work of Satoshi Tajiri, a Japanese video game designer, founder of Game Freak, and internationally known as the creator of PokĂŠmon. Tajiri's world was filled with pseudo-magical elemental creatures that lived a symbiotic relationship with the people of Earth, with whom they often created lifelong partnerships. His audience viewed this world through the eyes of Ash Ketchum, an ambitious, hardworking, and trustworthy character who valued friendship and fairness. His world was memorizing and at the age of six I instantly fell in love with it. This love manifested itself in various ways, including the ownership of hundreds of PokĂŠmon cards, various PokĂŠmon video games, and even a homemade Pikachu Halloween costume, but most significantly it manifested itself through my art. I was inspired not only by the story and the relatability of the characters, but also by the animation and the idea of having my creative work shared with the world. So, my early years my admiration led me to craft countless illustrations of Ash alongside Pikachu and even shameless sketches of myself as a PokĂŠmon character with my own PokĂŠmon companions.

Though, as I grew older, my undying devotion to following the adventures of Ash and his friends faded. However, the creative inspiration that Tajiri's work provided me never faltered and inspired me to further pursue my creative endeavors. And so, propelled by ambition and a love of art, I spent hours locked in my room drawing and painting, attempting to recreate the images I sketched on my schoolwork or practicing my digital lineart skills (The wording feels strange and forced to me. Any suggestions?). I put myself out there by sharing my work on online art communities, including deviantART, anipan, and tumblr - sites which also gave me the opportunity to follow the works of amateur artist and even professionals like Camilla d'Errico and Aya Takano. Art had become more than a hobby - it became my passion. I developed my own unique art style, characters with their own unique personalities, relationships, and backgrounds, as well as my own narrative and lessons to share through my art.

While my work may not teach the importance of camaraderie and entertain thousands of people every day, it's mine - I am the mind behind the work.

(I'm having difficulty finding a way to connect my 1st paragraph and make it into an effective conclusion. Or is the 1st paragraph even needed - I quite like it and I'd prefer to find a way to integrate it better. Also, comments on the amount of content I have about myself?)

alicela - / 18 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
I like your topic choice, especially since I have studied art and design c:

I am strongly against taking out your first paragraph. That one, and your second are the strongest. However, your third paragraph could have a stronger reflection. The ending to the third paragraph is perfect, as it shows that you have taken control of your artwork, your 'mind' - but I am left wondering "What is your mind?" Beyond you 'liking' it or being 'inspired,' what did you like about it, and what did it inspire you to do?

Your essay is already well on its way to be very engaging, but it could use more work. I'd be glad to review more should you present more questions, or another draft.
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
Hi there,

I think this is a great topic!

Firstly do keep your first paragraph. It's a great introduction to your essay. Transition: And it's these minds that inspire me.

Your third paragraph is a bit choppy but with the corrections from alicela, it should be fine. (:

Any comments or suggestions on my carnegie mellon supplement would be greatly appreciated.
OP vallh6018 1 / 8 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
Thank you very much valeriadavila01, alicela, and alicederp. I really appreciate the help! I actually have a much smaller essay (250 limit) that has this topic so all you're advice will help me with that essay as well :)

Do any of you think that, with revisions, this essay would be suitable as a personal statement of some kind? One of the colleges I'm applying to does not have a specific set of essays to choose from and this essay fits the word count... or would you advise against it?
bymyside4948 4 / 20 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #5
I really like your essay, and I like pokemon, too.
I have no futher thing to comment about your essay, just feeling that it still a little lack "you". But I'm not sure.

Good luck!
alicela - / 18 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #6
This could work as a personal statement. However, I'd have to see it since a 250 word limit is a huge difference. It all depends on how you handle it!
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #7
I think it would work but you'll have to a fair bit of changing because as a personal statement, you should probably elaborate on Tajiri's influence on more than just art. Unless you are willing to do that, I would advise against it.

Any comments or suggestions on my carnegie mellon supplement would be greatly appreciated.
OP vallh6018 1 / 8 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #8
Thank you again! I'll work on the inclusion of more "me" and my passion because I can definitely see it's lacking

@ alicela, the 250 word essay and the personal statement are for different schools - the 250 limit is for Virginia Tech (which has the same topic as this essay) and the personal statement one is for James Madison University (500 words)

(I'll be sure to go through and comment on other's essays - sorry if you're waiting, I just need a few minutes)
yisha 6 / 33 8  
Dec 29, 2012   #9
I, in unison with hundreds of other American children, plopped myself in front of the television ready to be captivated by the iconic work of Satoshi Tajiri,a Japanese video game designer, founder of Game Freak, and internationally known as the creator of Pokémon .

I think it is too long here. Maybe you can separate it into two sentences.

Though, as I grew older, my undying devotion to following the adventures of Ash and his friends faded. However, the creative inspiration that Tajiri's work provided me never faltered and inspired me to further pursue my creative endeavors.

You should show his creativeness and how he expressed his art style in his work in the context. Otherwise, it is too weak to persuade the admission officers.

You should corroborate more here since I can't clearly get your point here.
Maybe you can add something telling readers how you express your idea in real life.How they inspire you to face the problems and difficulties in life and they inspire you to do what?I think these part is not strong enough.

I really like your first paragraph, and I think what you need to do is to improve your body paragraphs to make them more logical and persuasive.

Hope them help.And wish you good luck!
Could you comment on mine?
MNJ - / 7  
Dec 31, 2012   #10
I really like this essay! You come across as an intelligent person, and best of all, your essay doesn't sound fake or forced. You sound genuine! I couldn't really find ANY fault, seriously. I say, go with this ;) Good luck!
OP vallh6018 1 / 8 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #11
thank you so much :) I really appreciate it


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