I am sending this with my Common Application within the next month, and this is my final draft. I wanted to know what you guys think. Does this need more reviewing?
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I went to a secondary school that was private. In addition to its academic credentials, it was home to the children of Geneva's economic elite. Most of my peers thought of themselves as being superior to me, both in terms of income as well as social status. I realized this when I started seventh grade, at the age of 11.
For many of us, this was a new school. Everyone was socially awkward and the atmosphere was tense. Given that this was a class with a large number of prepubescent children, inevitably people found the most banal ways of putting each other down. I was a very easy target: I was overweight, the youngest in the class, a foreigner, and not as financially privileged as most of them. This was the beginning of a long struggle for social recognition.
I was not being bullied, but regularly put down by unpleasant remarks. Every time my classmates went on holiday to Mauritius or the Caribbean and I was off to a "normal" vacation spot, I would be depressed at my seemingly inescapable fate. Of course, I was not the only one, but I did not know it at the time. This feeling of being singled out did not help either.
When we reached ninth grade, there was a perceptible change in the social dynamics of our class. Everyone was older and more mature. I myself was beginning to change in the sense that I started believing in myself and understanding what was really valuable to me. All through ninth grade these changes happened not only to me, but also to some of my classmates. Wearing brands and going to exotic holiday destinations were no longer the only "cool" things one could do. I encouraged this change through debating.
But even after all of the changes we had gone through only a few of my friends actually agreed with me. The others understood my different standpoint but did not want to change their behavior. Nonetheless, they had started respecting me for who I was. Before I knew it, I had made myself a nice niche in the social life of the class as one of the few who did not consider a Gucci bag to be a symbol of success. But my argument went further than just brands. I also engaged in political debates with my classmates. Even though there was no debating society in our school, we had created our own informal one. It was fun, educational, and made us all more aware of the world around us.
After three years, my outlook on that period in my life remains the same. I know that I changed: I am now proud of who I am, and am not afraid of speaking my mind. I learned how to debate with those who did not always agree with me. Something that started out as a cry for social recognition turned into a strong interest in social and political issues.
I attended a private secondary school. wheen?
At the age of 11, when I started the seventh grade, I realized that Most of my peers thought of themselves as being superior to me, both in terms of income as well as social status.
For many of us, this was a new school. Given that this was a class with a large - you went from "this was a new school" to "this was a class" what do you mean by 'this', and what class are you talking about?
I was not being bullied, however, i was regularly put down by unpleasant remarks.
When we reached ninth grade- who's "we"?
was off to a "normal" vacation spot- what do you mean by 'normal'
Don't start a sentence with "but"!
This needs some more revision.
You are very vague, you mention something but don't explain well and leave the reader asking themselves"what?" like confused.
You also use the same words, so consider broadening your diction, you could use some parallelism.
Other than that I really love the last sentence, but the middle of your essay is just like bits and pieces and seems incomplete.
