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Common App -- "I even eat all of my green vegetables"


squirtlescott92 2 / 6  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Hiya, I'm just finalizing my Common application essay (as well as writing all of my supplemental essays), and i was unable to meet with my English teacher for a final revision due to a recent snowstorm. I was wondering if anyone could help me by telling me if there is anything i can change, add, or maybe just giving a general revision. Well, here it is:

Prompt: The common application lets the applicant choose any topic they want...

My family and friends mean the world to me. I have two little brothers (Luke and Jake) who are three and five years old. They are the light of my life. Every morning when I wake up, it's them I look forward to seeing. Talking with them, playing with them, and reading them books are the highlights of my day. Even if I've had a bad day, their smiles and laughter make everything better. Also, I know that they look up to me as a role model. I have a responsibility to make sure to set a good example for them to follow. I try my best at school, I help my parents as much as I can, and I even eat all of my green vegetables at dinner.

In addition, my parents are great. They are supportive of everything that I do, and are always there to give me advice or help me out. If I find myself in a tight spot or need to make an important decision, I know I always have them to turn to. I also have cousins with whom I talk all the time. We tell each other everything. We grew up next door to each other, and were always best friends. However, we moved four years ago, and are now hundreds of miles apart. Even though we've been separated, we communicate as much as possible and see each other whenever we can.

My friends are also very important to me, and we have all bonded tremendously over the past few months. Recently, three of my friends and I went on a four-day retreat through our school called Kairos which was an eye-opening experience. We were all able to share our thoughts, feelings, and life stories without fear of being judged. We learned a lot about each other and ourselves. I also got to know many people whom I hadn't really talked to before as well. I've found that I have true friends all around me, and I love every one of them.

I've become a better person because of Kairos. I cherish every relationship I have, and try to be more outgoing and loving towards everyone. We have a saying in Kairos: "Live The Fourth." It means to try and live everyday like the last day of the retreat, because on that last day, everyone feels loving and accepted. We try to spread that love everyday through what we do and what we say, and that is how I try to live my life. I try to live by this code with my family and friends, but especially to set a good example for my little brothers.
c0llegeb0und 2 / 3  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
Your grammar is good, I think it would help add to the essay if you included a concluding paragraph in the end that synthesized how your family, friends, and Kairos, has influenced you as a person and developed your character. Are you more outgoing? caring? You could also include a sentence or two about how you will use this in college and beyond.

hope this helps...
kenziii 7 / 35  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
It's cute, but you need to talk more about yourself.

concluding paragraph in the end that synthesized how your family, friends, and Kairos, has influenced you as a person and developed your character.

A paragraph to tie everything together and speak about yourself will redeem this essay, and the part about your brothers casts you in a very positive light.

On applications, contractions are simply not allowed. Take all those out.

Check mine?
OP squirtlescott92 2 / 6  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
Thanks for the advice!!
I'll definitely add a little something at the end to tie it all together. I'll do it later, though. I am currently spazzing out over two supp essays that are due in a couple days as well, and i want to get those done.
TC3 4 / 37  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
wow this essay is so sweet and simple! i like it! i also two little brothers whom i adore to death =)

suggestions: i like your beginning so dont change it. its very clear and straightforward. as for the body paragraphs, could you describe more or write anecdotes (little stories) about your family and friends? that would be much more entertaining (even though what you have now is pretty great already).

hope this helps! thanks for reading my essay too =) if i go to boston university in the future, i would be sure to look out for you! (=
OP squirtlescott92 2 / 6  
Dec 31, 2009   #6
Thanks for all of your feed back everyone! it rally did help me finalize this essay. I appreciate it a lot!! Good luck!

--CLOSED


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