Hey all! I just found this website and am so glad that I did because I have been looking for people to proofread my (tentative) application essay. Any and all criticism is welcome. The prompt is: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
The Emerald Outcast of Oz
I sometimes feel like I have green skin. In fact, I would wager that everyone has that feeling at some point, whether or not they would it in those words. For most of my life, I have felt that I did not fit in; I was on the outside looking in, and no matter how hard I tried, fitting in with the "in crowd" was infeasible. I believe this is largely attributed to my shyness and introversion. This has always been frustrating because those characteristics make me who I am. On numerous occasions, people have told me that I need to become more extroverted, and while have I often agreed, changing so drastically seemed altogether impossible. Moreover, the fact that I needed to change for people to accept me seemed wrong; was I born for a life as an outcast? The more I thought about this idea of being socially unacceptable by nature, the harder it became for me to accept myself.
When I saw the musical "Wicked" for the first time, I instantly felt a connection with the main character, Elphaba Thropp, more commonly known as the Wicked Witch of the West. She was also a natural outcast; her green skin deemed her a freak. If that was not enough to deter people, her outspokenness and her seeming indifference to what people thought of her was, and when added with her green skin, people assumed she was wicked. However, Elphaba was not entirely indifferent; she, like any other outcast, longed to be an "in-cast", as best seen when she went to the Emerald City for the first time. It was clear she was in her glory because her green skin was not so strange but rather quite fitting, and she felt for the first time like she belonged.
There is so much to admire in the character of Elphaba Thropp. She is headstrong, courageous, and independent to a fault - all hallmarks of the best heroines in fiction. While deep down, she does have that desire to fit in, she does not let it control her; she does not hamper down her strong personality for anyone. She never accepted her green skin, per se, but rather learned to live with it. Though Elphaba detested her skin, never did she let it stop her from anything; she was determined to prove people wrong about her and, above all, to change the world for the better.
I had not realized until preparing for this essay just how Elphaba has influenced me, but I now realize that I have come to accept my introversion without letting it hold me back from making my voice heard like before. It took some time, but I now know what I stand for and no longer rely on the opinions of others for my opinion on myself. Because of Elphaba Thropp, I can accept and trust myself, and I can honestly say that her influence has changed me for good.
and introversion - believe this is redundant
have I ==> I have
never seen "hamper down" used like that
don't believe you want to end the first sentance of the last paragraph with a preposition - reword
Just curious, has her influence changed you for good (as in finally) or for the good (as in better)
Above notwithstanding, I like your essay
Actually, it's funny you should ask that; "for good" is a song from the musical that I was referencing. That being said, both meanings apply.
Thank you so much for your help!
