I am working on my transfer application and would love some feedback on my short answer piece! It is by no means a final draft, I am definitely open to critique. Here is the prompt: "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)"
"Golf has always been an escape for me. While peers succumbed to other stress relieving activities throughout high school, I turned to golf. Most days after school, while many of my classmates went off to smoke marijuana and watch TV, I found myself on the golf course, honing my skills until the sun went down. It is through golf that I learned the importance of patience, accountability and hard work, for without the three, it is nearly impossible to be successful. I learned patience through the repetition that is needed to grasp the many intricacies of the swing, accountability since score keeping and officiating are part of the game, and hard work through the hours upon hours that I have spent practicing, trying to become the best that I can be. Golf is an incredible metaphor for life; our goals are in sight, there are many obstacles in our way, and no matter what the situation, we must learn to deal with the lie that is given to us."
Thank you so much for any feedback in advance.
I thought you incorporated your thoughts well into the 1000 character limit! However, I would change the marijuana part of your essay. I highly doubt that the admissions office would find that relevant or respectable.
Thank you for the reply! I actually was thinking along the same lines, but I did want to incorporate somehow that golf kept me out of trouble in high school. Any suggestions?
Heres my revision:
Golf has always been an escape for me. While peers succumbed to other stress relieving activities throughout high school, I turned to golf. Most days after school, while many of my classmates went off to socialize or watch TV, I found myself on the golf course, honing my skills until the sun went down. It is through golf that I learned the importance of patience, accountability and hard work, for without the three, it is nearly impossible to be successful. I learned patience through the repetition that is needed to grasp the many intricacies of the swing, accountability since score keeping and officiating are part of the game, and hard work through the hours upon hours that I have spent practicing, trying to become the best that I can be. Golf is an incredible metaphor for life; our goals are in sight, there are many obstacles in our way, and no matter what the situation, we must learn to deal with the lie that is given to us.
I would take out the part about "while other classmates are out to socialize or watcht TV" It's a bit repetitive.
Elaborate more on golf being a metaphor for life. It's very interesting.
Also, be more concise with this part: "I learned patience through the repetition that is needed to grasp the many intricacies of the swing, accountability since score keeping and officiating are part of the game, and hard work through the hours upon hours that I have spent practicing, trying to become the best that I can be. " I'm sure if you even need to explain how you learned the importance of those three traits. If you want to keep it, make it stronger.
