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Common App Extracurricular -- "Fantasy about Rock-band" 1000 Characters


sukhomoon 4 / 14  
Dec 24, 2012   #1
Please be as harsh as possible! I will appreciate every single word of your criticism!

Since I was young, I had a fantasy about a rock band such as Muse. So, as a singer recognized by my mother, I asked my friends to start our own fantasy, and five-member band, (NAME), was finally organized. I listened and hummed to the songs for our debut concert everywhere, every time.

The judgment day finally came. All excited, yet nervous, the members walked into the stage. The drummer counts in to the fantasy: "One, two, three, four". While performing, we started recognizing each other's mistakes, which released our tension, and we found ourselves laughing. Singing aloud, running across the stage, jumping higher than ever, and sweating heavily. The performing time passed in a moment. (BAND)'s debut was not perfect like Muse's concert, but perfectly enjoyable for us.

With inextinguishable passion, our practice and performance continued; eventually, we have even performed in local rock-cafes. The fantasy developed me to a more ardent, adventurous and confident dreamer.

(998)

Thank you for reading and commenting again :)
cefireo 1 / 2 1  
Dec 24, 2012   #2
Since I was young, I had a fantasy about (creating?) a rock band such as Muse. So, as a singer recognized by my mother,(perhaps replace this part with something like "following my aspiration") I asked my friends to start our own fantasy, and five-member band, (NAME), was finally organized. I listened and hummed to the songs for our debut concert everywhere, every time.

The judgment day finally came. All (the) excited, yet nervous, the members walked into(onto) the stage. The drummer counts in to the fantasy: "One, two, three, four". While performing, we started recognizing each other's mistakes, which released our tension, and we found ourselves laughing (awkwardly structured sentence. Maybe try "While performing, we recognized each other's mistakes, which released our tension and made us laugh") . Singing aloud, running across the stage, jumping higher than ever, and sweating heavily. (comma) tT he performing time(performance) passed in a moment. (BAND)'s debut was not perfect like Muse's concert, but perfectly enjoyable for us.

With inextinguishable passion, our practice and performance continued; eventually, we have even performed in local rock-cafes. The fantasy developed me to a more ardent, adventurous and confident dreamer.

It's a good essay please don't let the red freak you out there aren't many colors to work with here :)
OP sukhomoon 4 / 14  
Dec 24, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for your comment!
Merry Christmas bro! :)

ps. the red color is for CHRISTMAS? :)


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