Dramatic changes from the last time I posted... less straightforward and more about me, I hope.
Revisions and feedback are greatly appreciated!
The gavel drops and roll call begins. Past the first four trustees, it finally comes to me, "Jesse Qin?" "Here," I reply. My name plate sits next to the microphone, and my portrait hangs on the wall, quite a dashing scene. As a senior, I serve on the FUHSD school board as the sole representative of over 10,000 students.
The responsibility is great, and the honor is grand. At the meetings, I have voting power and am fortunate enough to oversee matters such as a $200 million bond budget. The experience is truly amazing, connecting with students, staff and community towards district development. This year, I have been fortunate enough to take part in the longstanding decisions of rising construction projects that will undoubtedly affect the future generations of students. To me, that's priceless.
I suppose leaving a historical footprint has always been a pursuit of mine, and serving on the board is definitely a great start.
This is a very good essay, but some grammatical errors include (my suggestions are in CAPS);
AFTER the first four trustees, it finally comes to me, "Jesse Qin?"
My name plate sits next to the microphone, and my portrait hangs on the wall, WHICH IS quite a dashing scene.
--Great essay topic, though
I changed it to
"My name plate sits next to the microphone, and my portrait hangs on the wall; it's quite a dashing scene."
Better I hope :O.
Thanks for the fixes! (:
I like your essay. It conveys your message throughly. However, I feel like the introduction is kind of too long. It would be great if you can cut it short! Good Luck~!
Just a side note, if thats for the common app isn't it suppoesd to be only 1000 characters? If thats so maybe you should do that and then put it on here for us to edit it would be easier for us and you :)
I'm confused with your comment Dilara1010, what exactly do you want me to do :o?
Put here that the prompt requires 1000 character max or to check my character count? I've got it clocked at around 940 :D.
Returning the favor as promised:
I am a little confused about this part:
I suppose leaving a historical footprint has always been a pursuit of mine
I understand the "historical footprint" part but why do you "suppose this"?
Inifinity I'm sorry haha I guess it just looked long :) nevermind!