Please check the grammar, the tone as well as the flow of the essay.
Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
"She can never set foot in my house" choked my father as he wearily walked out of the room. He had realized he could do nothing but accede to the wish of my elder brother. My brother had been in a couple of relationships before. But this one was different. He had decided to marry this woman and wouldn't take a no for an answer.
The demand had caused a huge uproar in the family. Heated arguments between my brother and parents had become a daily routine and none of the sides were prepared to give in. Relatives tried with all their might to find a common ground but all their efforts went down the drain. Tension prevailed in the house during this drama, with shouts echoing off its walls every now and then. Mom was often found weeping in a corner while dad barely spoke to anyone. My brother, on the other hand, used to spend his days away from home coming back only at night time. Being a fifteen-year-old, I was deemed ineligible by my family to experience this crisis and often found myself locked in my room. But I was well aware of what level of turmoil my family was in and equally felt the pain of it breaking apart. All this went on for almost a month coming to an end with my father capitulating to the demand set forth but disallowing my brother to bring his wife-to-be home. They eventually got married and he left the house to live with her separately. An air of gloominess endured following this tragedy. "Everything is going to be just fine" my sister used to say in a bid to comfort me. But I knew that was too good to be true. The sight of my father on the wedding day, lying motionless on the couch and staring into nothingness with a face that of helpless person was enough to make me realize that things won't ever be the same again.
Dragging me out of my comfort zone, the misfortune instilled a sense of responsibility in me. I knew that the only way I could fill the void left by my brother was to prioritize my education over everything and strive for success. This meant I had to sacrifice my most valuable things including time and sleep and that has been the case ever since. Moreover, it developed wisdom in me forcing me to follow my head instead of my heart. Questions like "Will it effect those around me?" and "Will it benefit me in the long term?" started flooding my mind when faced with a tough decision. I had started taking part in family discussions, presenting my views which now were welcomed by them. However, toughening me up mentally was the best outcome. Unexpected low grades and losses in sports were no more a source of heartbreak to me but rather a learning opportunity and preaching this to those around me had become one of my top priorities.
It was not at all an easy task to find my feet following this unfortunate incident. At an age many kids are worried about their grades and homework only, I had encountered my worst nightmare. But coping up with such tribulation and that too at a young age prepared me for the inevitable disappointments and failures in future and taught me that after every storm comes a rainbow. It proved to be a blessing in disguise, transforming a weak-willed, uninterested boy into a wise, ambitious man. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Hey @ashutosh123, I totally loved everything about your essay: the way you describe things, relate a situation, and gave your essay a voice of its own. This essay is, in short, a masterpiece. The way this essay has been written is fabulous.
The opening sentences are very powerful and immediately grips the attention of the reader. The reader becomes intrigued and you make him starve for more. The issue you chose to discussed itself is truly a dynamic one.
You did not get sidetracked at any point, and you held the reader's attention till the last. To be frank, I looked up only when I had finished reading.
Also, you wrote from within; you wrote from the core of your heart. This is the best thing I like about your write-up. The way you expressed your feelings and experiences proves this. This essay is not supposed to be that formal. This gave you the scope to write freely. Everything seemed natural and not at all forced, as the cause would be if it were a more formal piece of writing.
Warm wishes and good luck in your future endeavours,
Soha.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Hassan, it can be said that this essay, in terms of story, focuses more on your brother and the rift that he created within your family. Your reaction to it is not something that can be considered a transition into adulthood because it is not something that reflected additional, adult concept duties, responsibilities, or way of thinking on your part that was acknowledged by your parents or other elders in your family. This type of narration is better suited for a background story prompt rather than a transition to adulthood.So keep this essay for that particular prompt requirement instead.
In order for you to present a transition essay, you have to think of either a cultural tradition or family based belief / activity that signifies more responsibility being transferred to you. In this instance, there is no reference at all to any event or sense of maturity that developed on your part. These stories are more about trying to help ease the sadness that your parents felt. That is not a mode of transition. That is something that most loving children would do for their parents.
So, what kind of transition are we talking about here? Consider some of the following examples:
1. Traveling alone for the first time and learning to be responsible for yourself.
2. Being left alone at home for the first time and showing a sense of maturity by taking care of the household along with yourself.
3. Any ritual that has an ending of "I was now part of the elder community and offered equal respect by my parents and other members of the community".
4. Being given additional responsibility by the government such as getting your driver's license and something similar.
Try to revise the essay to tell more about your story and the quest for maturity and acceptance as an equal in the family or community. That is how you are admitted to adulthood and that is how a transition occurs. You may or may not even know that you successfully transitioned in your life to adulthood so you may need to think hard about what might better illustrate the prompt requirement from your life.
