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Common App-"Fast Food Worker" -Elaborate on Extracurriculars-


PrimeTime309 4 / 11  
Oct 8, 2011   #1
The shrill sound of the fryer buzzer quickly shattered my fitful rest and brought me back to my soapy, wet reality. As I drowsily looked up from the dish-filled sink, I grabbed a towel to dry my soaked hands, inevitably knocking over a stack of clean plates. Too tired to care, I ignored the mess and lumbered over to the grease fryer. Nights like these at K-Hill's catfish restaurant took an especially heavy toll on my body; sometimes, in my dreary state of mind, I had even considered quitting. That night though, I tried to keep myself awake by contemplating the benefits of my job. Because of the long, hectic work schedule, I had to find a balance between my work as a fry cook and my academics. It took some time and effort, but soon I could switch seamlessly between calculus and catfish. In addition to this stronger sense of responsibility, I had also developed a better sense of patience through my interactions with customers. By handling customers' frustration with aplomb, I both pleased them and kept the tremulous situation under control. Most importantly, though, the chaotic restaurant atmosphere taught me how to work under pressure. This newly acquired equanimity will undoubtedly be useful in my future medical career, but for now, I would be extremely grateful just to finish this single night shift.

This is my submission for the extracurriculars or work experience essay. The limit is 1000 characters, and I may have gone over that a little because I'm nervous about giving such a short statement about myself.

Any and all comments concerning grammar, content, focus, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I will of course reply back to your submissions

Thanks Again.

dinghuiyang_007 1 / 3  
Oct 8, 2011   #2
The content is great!
Here are my suggestions:
Most importantly, though, the chaotic restaurant atmosphere taught me how to work under pressure.

In addition to this stronger sense of responsibility, I had also developed a better sense of patience through my interactions with customers. ("in addition" and "also" are redundant)

This newly acquired equanimity will undoubtedly be useful in my future medical career, but for now, I would be extremely grateful just to finish this single night shift .

Any way, you should rewrite your last sentence. I think it's a little weird.
zxing 3 / 8  
Oct 9, 2011   #3
Excellent essay. My only advice would be to cut out some adjectives. Remember to "show, not tell", and this should help shorten it a bit.
EricJ - / 48  
Oct 16, 2011   #4
I would cut a lot of the weak adjectives and add some specific detail.

The buzz of the fryer snapped me back to reality. Dropping the dishrag and drying my hands, I spun toward the fryer, but not before spreading a stack of clean plates on the tile floor. Stepping over shards, I pulled a batch of fish from the fryer. It was a typical night at K-Hill's Catfish restaurant. It was busy; I was six hours in to a ten-hour shift, wondering how I could keep working until 2 am and still pass Calculus.


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