Prompt #3:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
A Fatal Mistake
I remember first meeting Turjoh in my brother Mahir's class when I was fourteen; I was dropping my brother off on his first day of school, where the students were lined up according to their assigned homerooms. Seeing a boy shorter than average height with spiked hair, I knew at an instant that he was Bengali. I had never seen Turjoh before, and there being very few Bengali students in the school, I told my brother to take his place on line beside the child, urging him to make a new friend. Turjoh seemed very friendly; the two got along quite well.
Later that day I found out that Turjoh had just recently moved to our neighborhood. "He moved from Queens two weeks ago!" my brother exclaimed enthusiastically. "He has a PSP and a Playstation 2 and like every game! His mom lets him do whatever he wants, too. He's my new best friend." For days, my brother spoke of nothing but his new friend Turjoh and I was happy my brother had made a good acquaintance. I saw very little of the boy, until my mother told me that Turjoh's family was having a few problems with their computer.
"His mother called me today, and asked if you could see what's wrong with it." I couldn't say no to my mother, and headed out to his house. That day, while fixing Turjoh's modem, I found out the reason why his family had moved to Parkchester; his parents were separated and eventually divorced two months before.
"Turjoh is all I have now. I'll do anything to keep him happy."
Throughout the school year, Turjoh visited my house numerous times and during those months, a brotherly bond formed between us. He frequently asked me for help on his homework, respected me for my prowess in Mortal Kombat and was amazed by my ability to solve a Rubik's Cube in under a minute. At times, he would tell me how much he missed his older brother, who lived with his father in Queens. I tried my best to fill in that hole.
A few years passed, my brother moved onto middle school, and Turjoh visited less and less frequently. Being very busy with high school, I didn't notice the sudden change at first. When I asked my brother what was wrong, he replied, "Turjoh changed. He only hangs out with girls and the older kids now." I laughed at this, finding it comical to picture an eleven-year-old boy with his arms draped around girls his age.
The next time I saw Turjoh, his appearance was completely different from before, sporting a leather coat with his hair slicked back. As he approached me casually as I walked down the street, I greeted him, and asked him how he was. Our conversation was ended abruptly when he asked me something very unexpected: "So, can I get a joint?" I stared at him with awe.
"No," I replied. "I don't smoke, and even if I did, I wouldn't give you one." With that said, I walked home in disbelief. The next day, I saw my cousin strolling down the block. I told him about the conversation I had the evening before, and laughed at how ridiculous it was.
"Haha, yea. He asked me the same thing yesterday, too. I didn't have a joint, so I gave him a smoke instead." It took me a moment to realize what he had said. Not caring to say a word to him, I ran toward Turjoh's house to inform his mother about the predicament. After knocking on the door for quite some time, I realized no one was there. When I arrived at home, my mother came to me, her face stricken. Turjoh was in the emergency room in the hospital.
It turned out that he had asthma, and was lucky to be alive, since he was at such a young age. His mother found out from the doctors that her son had been smoking, and soon decided to return to Bangladesh in order to "restrict him".
Turjoh's actions were outrageous, but they succeeded in making me aware of my own responsibilities as both a brother and as a young adult. If I had thought of his intentions in a more serious manner, the problem could have been avoided. At times, I think of what I would have done if my own brother had asked me the same question. Would I have treated the request in the same manner? I had thought of myself as a logical and rational person. Turjoh reminded me that there is still a lot to learn before I reach that status.
I remember first meeting Turjoh in my brother's sixth grade class. I was fourteen years old, and...
I changed that first sentence because it had so much info that it became awkward.
Your brother's name is not necessary there...
Use a comma here: For days, my brother spoke of nothing but his new friend Turjoh, and I was...
Hey, that question you asked yourself at the end is not quite right, because you were indeed in the same situation and you responded admirably. Maybe you should rephrase it to say, "When I am in similar situations in the future, will I make the right decisions?"
This really is very impressive. I suggest cutting LOTS of the details in the first half, because they are not necessary. Writing is refined talking, so it should not include details that are irrelevant to the point of the story. Great job overall!!!!!!!
