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Common App Essay (my father's watch)


shok 2 / 2  
Dec 20, 2008   #1
One day, my father came home with a brand new watch. It was the first time I had seen such a tiny watch, so mu heart beat fast. How could that little piece of metal works as much as our grandfather clock? I used my whole imagination to come up with a method to shrink the clock into 1/100 of its size, but it was far too unrealistic.

I was eight years old when I developed my interest in engineering. Back then, I indulged in the use of multiple technological tools, such as computers and electrical clocks, on a daily basis. My childhood was surrounded with items that made my life easy.

That night, while my parents were watching the television, I sneaked into my father's room and attempted to see the inside of watch. I felt as if I were about to see magic. I took out my screwdriver and started to open the backside of the watch. However, at next moment, the door opened and my father appeared. "What are you doing?" he cried. "It's mine!" He grabbed the watch away from my hands and took me back to my room. I could hardly sleep that night. When I woke up the next morning, I was drenched in sweat. The existence of watch kept bothering m, and many questions were left a mystery.

A few days later, my father surprisingly bought me the same exact watch that he himself owned. He thought I was interested in the overall style of a watch's design (it was the newest model). He didn't know that my true attention was directed toward its inside. I quickly opened the package and ran into my room. In my hand I held the same screwdriver. My mouth was fully opened and my heart beat rapidly as I uncovered the shell of the watch. Finally, I caught a glimpse of the inside. I saw a million tiny gears, each of which was spinning one after another. The whole view took my breath away and my brain was filled with fascination. How and who had calculated this complex mechanism of gears revolving one by one?

I stared at the inside for a long time. I imagined contributing to the process in which inventors spend unthinkable years, using their lives to make others' lives easier. I wanted to be one of them.

Today, the use of technology is more a necessity than an option. It's difficult to think of modern life without technological tools. We overlook the effort that engineers put into every product that makes our lives more convenient. I hold in my mind that mysterious watch and I still want to understand why it works.

I still feel that this one is incompleted... please help me make it better. Thank you
alicimoo 3 / 24  
Dec 20, 2008   #2
One day, my father came home with a brand new watch. (My heart rate increased as soon as I saw it because) it was the first time I had seen such a tiny watch. I thought, "How could that little piece of metal work as (well) as our grandfather clock?" I used my (greatest) imagination to come up with a method to shrink the (grandfather) clock (to) 1/100 of its size, but it was far too unrealistic.

[Link the story about the watch to your interest in engineering].

I was eight years old when I developed my interest in engineering. Back then, I indulged in the use of multiple technological tools, such as computers and electrical clocks. My childhood was surrounded with items that made my life easy [This sentence seems really out of place, I'm not sure what you're trying to link it to].

^This whole paragraph seems really out of place.

That night [What night are you referring to? The same day your dad came home with the watch? Relate it], while my parents were watching television, I sneaked into my father's room and tried to see the inside of watch. (As) I took out my screwdriver and started to open the backside of the watch, I felt (a sense of joy?) as if I (was) about to see (something?) magic(al?). However, (just as I was about to screw open the lid of the watch), the door opened and my father appeared. "What are you doing?" he cried(,) "It's mine!" He grabbed the watch (from me) and (pulled me) me back to my room.

I could hardly sleep that night (because...??). When I woke up the next morning, I was drenched in sweat (because) the existence of watch kept bothering m(e), and (I had) many questions (that were left unanswered.)

A few days later, my father (surprised me by buying the same watch for me). He thought I was interested in the overall style of a watch's design (since) it was the newest model. He did (not) know that my true (fascination with the watch) was directed toward its (mechanics?). I quickly opened the package and ran into my room. My mouth was (widely opened in awe) and my heart beat rapidly as I uncovered [I'm not sure if uncovered would be the best word] the shell of the watch. Finally, I caught a glimpse of the inside. I saw a million tiny gears, each of which (were) spinning one after another. The whole view took my breath away and (I was filled) with fascination. How and who had (constructed such a complex mechanism)?

I stared at the inside for a long time (as) I imagined (myself) contributing to the (work that many investors have done by creating inventions that) make others' lives easier. (This is what I wanted to do. I wanted to be an investor? [I'm not sure if this is what you're trying to get across]).

Today, the use of technology is more (of a) necessity than an option. It's difficult to think of modern life without technological tools. We overlook the effort that engineers put into every product that makes our lives more convenient. I (will always remember that mysterious watch and ...how it inspired me to become an engineer(?)).

I think you need to connect your thoughts better. A lot of the transitions are really choppy and don't link together (like paragraph 2). Conclude your essay by saying something along the lines of how this experience influenced you to be..an engineer or how it affected you mindset.

Hope this somewhat helps!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 21, 2008   #3
One day, my father came home with a brand new watch. It was the first time I had seen such a tiny watch, so my heart beat fast. How could that little piece of metal work as much as our grandfather clock?

Who had contrived this complex mechanism of gears revolving one by one?

Ha, GREAT story! I am as fascinated with you as you were with the watch. Your father must be proud of your intelectual curiosity, and this college is lucky to have you.
OP shok 2 / 2  
Dec 24, 2008   #4
Thank you very much!! :)


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