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Common app. I was given all of these blessings so that I could take advantage of them; trip to india


pshah24 1 / 3  
Jun 14, 2018   #1
Is this essay cliche? What could I do to make it better?

my trip to india



A distraught, four-year-old child, tugs on my arm and begs me for spare change, as I walk around the city of Ahmedabad in Gujarat, India. Shocking scenes similar to this one are common in India and have played an immense role in shaping me into who I am today. The several trips I have made to the country of India, have left striking images in my mind. While preparing for my initial visit, in 2011, I pictured country similar to the United States, not what I saw before me. As I walked through the city, I saw images that stayed with me for the rest of my life. Families lived in tiny, self-made cinder block houses without running water or even electricity. Never before had I seen so many children without shoes or even clothes. I witnessed women and children no older than myself plowing fields and living on the side of the street in shacks made out of plywood. I watched as sick men, women, and children begged, on their knees, outside a hospital for flu shots and antibiotics, so that they would not die. My heart sank as I saw people in these horrendous situations, knowing that there was nothing I could do to help them. As I walked back to my grandparent's house, I thought to myself. "How I was put in such an advantageous situation, while others had literally next to nothing and were struggling to survive?" Then, I slowly realized that I was given all of these blessings so that I could take advantage of them, and later come back in order to help those less fortunate than me. Ever since this trip, I began to try, to the fullest extent, to take advantage of all opportunities I was given, especially the ones in the academic realm. I started to transform from a mediocre student to one with a dream of one day becoming a doctor and going back to India to help those who inspired me in the first place. I owe my trips to India for not only altering my life in a way I never thought possible but helping to become the person I am today.

Holt [Contributor] - / 6,685 1673  
Jun 15, 2018   #2
Parth, what is the common app prompt that you are responding to? Is this your response to prompt 1 or 7? The kind of clean up and directional information that can help you improve this essay all depends upon which of the two prompts you are responding to. Also, since you have a 650 word count maximum, you may want to consider reformatting your response into proper paragraph forms, as in, per discussion topic, to make it easier to read. Right not, everything is bunched on the page and really difficult to scan for individualized topics and highlights. That will also allow you to create a better depiction of your response to the essay.

On a general basis though, the theme of this essay is shallow and empty. It doesn't make you stand out and yes, the whole essay is working on a cliché. If I only knew what prompt you were actually responding to, maybe I could have helped you to pick out a highlight or something that could be turned into a highlight from this current writing for development into a more striking response essay. As I will not be able to respond to you again unless you make this an URGENT thread, I am really sad that you wasted your one chance to get a proper review and truly helpful advice regarding the content and presentation of this essay. Should you wish to seek further assistance from me based on the proper prompt instructions, please remember to make this thread URGENT before you post the prompt.

Don't forget to post the prompt with your succeeding essays for review so that you don't waste your chance at getting useful advice the first time out. Thanks.
OP pshah24 1 / 3  
Jun 15, 2018   #3
I am responding to either prompt 5 or 7, I can not decide which one it aligns with better.


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