Hey guys pls help me comment on my essay, esp on my grammar! If possible, maybe you guys can tell me how to shorten it? I'm afraid that it's too long. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much! =)
THE HOMELESS MAN
It is 12 midnight and I am walking back to my home after my job. As I pass the bus-stop, I am aware that there is a man sleeping on the bus-stop seat. He is wearing a tattered brown shirt and mangy-looking shorts. He curls into a ball as a form of insulation from the surrounding cold wind. A pair of worn-out slippers lay near his feet.
The scene is haunting; my heart writhes when I remember the man. He is merely an example of the growing social problems in my country -Singapore. In the past years, my country has witnessed admirable economic success. But with rising economic progress comes an increasing social divide. It is common to see homeless people roaming the streets at night. Beggars are a fixture at high-end shopping districts in Singapore. As the rich stroll down the streets with their shopping bags, the poor sing or play an instrument for a few extra cents.
Coming from a lower-middle class family, I experienced many financial difficulties. My mother, despite being plagued with rheumatoid arthritis, has to work hard to put my brother and me through school. I often had to work during my school vacation to supplement my family's income. My family lives from paycheck to paycheck and we never seem to be able to find an escape. As we were considered to be from the middle class, governmental aid was scarce.
However, I know that there are others who are laden with more serious problems. At least I had an education and a roof over my head. As my country progresses, more people are being left behind. In Southeast Asia alone, poverty is commonplace. Once, on my trip to Thailand, I saw a group of young children walking to school barefooted. Yet, my heart warmed at the fact that these children persevered despite their apparent obstacles in life.
These growing social problems are gradually dividing our human population. Everyone deserves an education and an opportunity to break out of the cycle of poverty. If people were given a chance for a better life, issues such as crime and malnutrition will be greatly reduced. I know that I want to dedicate my life to helping the less fortunate. Our society needs to progress on a strong moral foundation and if we all play our part to help the needy, we can gradually transform our world to a better home for everyone. I know that I can never fully comprehend the suffering that people from impoverished backgrounds experience. However, with my motivation, I hope to be able to significantly impact their lives. One day, I might even be able to help the homeless man I saw on my way back home from work.
Nice essay, I'm guessing you're writing about a social concern that is important to you...right?
I feel the length is decent... Don't worry too much about that as long as you are clear in your writing, which you are!
Grammar seems all right, so no worries there. :)
My concern however is that there are going to be plenty of essays the adcoms read about socio-economic problems... And there are plenty of people with personal problems which only make you feel so much more fortunate.. So try and keep revising. You need a more personal touch to this to be able to move the reader. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to undermine all the difficulties your family has faced. Hope I coul help in some way. Keep at it! :)
Please comment on both my essays if you could! I would appreciate any sort of feedback! Thanks!
hey thanks a lot Sam! Will work on that.
Hey Sidharth yeah I was worried about that. My essay does seem too common. I am bouncing around a few ideas now and haven't really decided on which question to really work on yet. I might eventually do the question on which fictional character, historical figure... It seems the most interesting to me! Thanks for your comments!