Please provide some feedback for my commonapp essay. Thanks!!!! :)
creative, social, brave, compassionate, hard-working and strong human being
I cry, I whine, and I argue. I wake my mom up when she's napping on the sofa, pleading her to cook me some pasta. I bicker with my sister over why she stole the bigger half of the sandwich. I make ludicrous, childish noises to irk my family at the dinner table. I continuously pester my friends at the movies until they've heard the phrase "what's happening now" at least twenty times. I arrive at parties after the cake has been cut. I cause a ruckus and gripe when my mom asks for a family picture at the beach because I'm busy playing volleyball. I camouflage in my sister's closet and bolt out yelling "boo" as she enters. I'm an anomaly, but I'm only human.
I'm human, and I'm creative. In fourth grade, I founded Ultimatum, in which I programmed web browsers and open-window operating systems; boy, I was obsessed with making money. I compose my own music. I amaze crowds at parties as I transform five single dollar bills into five hundreds. I bring printouts full of logarithms and derivatives when I'm at Denny's with friends, not because it's homework, but because I adore math. I write limericks about chickens drinking soup just because I can.
I'm human, and I'm social. I sneak out of the house after midnight and drive to Twin Peaks with friends. I go to parties every two weeks and dance until I can no longer stand. I am called the "cling magnet" because of all the people that follow me around. I smile and introduce myself to New Yorkers at DECA conferences, ambitious to expand my social network. I watch the dazzling sunset while blasting Ed Sheeran's new album with friends.
I'm human, and I'm brave. I ride the ski lift that hoists me to the double-black diamond slopes after not skiing for two years. I swim two miles from San Francisco to Alcatraz because I'm keen on the thrill. I stand in an operating room moments before a conscious, screeching woman is about to get her leg amputated. I'm fearless and courageous, ready to face Y2K, an alien coup d'etat, or a tarantula.
I'm human, and I'm compassionate. I comfort friends who are suicidal and assure that everything will be okay. I puff up my cheeks and smile to cheer my sister up when she's upset. I call my grandpa every week to ensure his well-being. I hug my mom before I sleep each night and articulate the three simple, yet dignified words: "I love you." I teach underprivileged children guitar for free because it's the right thing to do.
I'm human, and I'm hard-working. I don't leave the house till I check off my to-do list. I sit in the aisles of Safeway to learn about the immune system because Starbucks is closed and I can't concentrate at home. I anxiously wait for my parents to leave the house so I can blast my electric guitar, desperate to learn "Here Comes the Sun." I commit 100-percent into everything, whether it's practicing for the SAT, learning a new ultimate frisbee move, vacuuming the house, or even gelling my hair.
I'm human, and I'm strong. I stand up for Johnny who's getting bullied in PE class because it doesn't matter if he's disabled. I laugh when people call my unibrow a caterpillar. I boldly and calmly take initiative when I'm home alone with my grandma, who's seizing on the floor and experiencing a heart attack. I remain placid when my dad darts out the door in anger because I know everything will be okay.
Sure, I cry, whine, and argue, but I'm only human. Each of my flaws is an even greater strength. I'm creative, social, brave, compassionate, hard-working, and strong - and that's how I achieve a healthy, balanced, and enjoyable lifestyle.
I'm human, and I am who I am.
Hey, there. The common app's "topic of your choice" category is broad, which allows you to write virtually anything, but in this essay, I feel as though you're telling your personal traits in a way that's similar to listing them. I recommend on using a personal experience and use that to showcase your traits instead of specifically write them. Using a personal experience tends to make your readers more hooked in and want to read more. Maybe write about founding Ultimatum because, in some ways, I think it has helped you discover the traits you showed in your following paragraphs. Other than that, I like this essay.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,003 3877
Aman, these traits do not make you human, these traits make you a good person. Here is the thing, you wrote the essay just for the sake of writing it. You did not create a prompt requirement for yourself that you have to present to the reviewer before he reads the essay that you wrote. Remember, just because the common app accepts an open topic doesn't mean that you can just discuss anything that you want. You have to first, create a reason for the discussion and then write the essay. What is it that you want the reviewer to know about you within the word limitations?
Develop a statement or a purpose for the essay, then present that to the reviewer. Do not even begin to draft the essay until you have an idea for the central discussion of your essay. Avoid topics so over generalized, like this one, that your essay comes across as mere soundbites instead of informative presentations.
What do you want the reviewer to know about you as a human being? Narrow down the focus to the most interesting human trait that you have. I think the part about fighting bullies on behalf of those being bullied is a timely presentation and will show off a compassionate side of your humanity that will be admirable in an incoming college freshman. Of course, the final topic choice is yours. Whichever you choose to discuss will be fine.