This is my draft for my common app essay... promp 1. about an experience's influence on you or something like that.
I know it is pretty rough right now, but I want it to be amazing!
and right now.. it's just ... not.
RIP IT TO SHREADS!!!
please and thanks guys (:
"Legend has it that if you throw one coin into the Trevi Fountain you will one day return to Rome." I listened to these prophetic words as my Italian teacher addressed our tour group. Burrowing through the thick crowd, I made my way to the fountain's edge. There must have been over a thousand coins glistening in the clear, sunlit water. I retrieved a coin from my handy fanny pack, kissed it, and prayed with all my might that the universe was listening to my wish.
I have always felt a strong connection with my Italian heritage, perhaps because it has been such a prominent influence in my home life. I have a large, close knit family that spends a lot of time together and the frequent Sunday dinners always give the pleasant aroma of a delicious, home-cooked Italian meal. I love when my grandma speaks Italian with me and fills the house with beautiful, classical Italian songs on the piano.
When presented with the opportunity to go to Italy - to use all that I had learned in Italian class and to feel my heritage come alive - I was ecstatic! The trip would be a twelve-day tour with visits to major cities like Florence, Venice, Pisa and Rome. So I geared up to become the best tourist Italy had ever welcomed - complete with journal, camera, mini-dictionary and sunscreen.
As I strolled along Rome's ancient, cobblestone roads I felt the sun tingle against my skin. While I walked through the Roman sights, admiring the incredible architecture and the marble-sculptures, I could not help but feel intrigued and inspired. I faced the Roman Coliseum, trying to imagine this aging structure as it was in its days of glory, when a thought entered my mind as if by enlightenment: This very path I was standing on was the same path that Caesars, Soldiers, and Saints once walked. The Roman's paved the way for many significant and everlasting contributions in the fields of math, science, architecture, and literature, and their ancient civilization now lay in ruins before my eyes. Every stone, it seems, unearthed a story, told or untold, about Rome's ancient past of splendor, faith and contribution. Then, call it destiny, fate, or divine intervention, a desire sparked within me. I longed to do something significant with my life; to make a difference in the world I live in just as the Romans had.
I came home a changed and inspired person, as if my Italian heritage, with all its stubborn determination, had been awakened in me from my visit to my ancestors' homeland. I applied myself to my Italian studies with a renewed and enthusiastic interest and now felt I had a more focused goal for my future. Including Italian into my college studies would be essential to become the kind of person I now aspired to be. I decided to extend my working hours at ACME, a local supermarket, to save enough money to return to Italy once again. It was a difficult balancing act with school, extracurricular activities and work, but by the next summer I was on my way!
On the second visit, I felt a different feeling of ownership and fulfillment because not only had I earned this trip all on my own, but I also had a deeper appreciation and understanding of Italy's history, language and culture. So, once again, I found myself looking up at the Trevi fountain with its splendid statue of Neptune flanked by his marble horses. The sun's reflection bounced happily off the waters below. I was back! I turned around, reached into my trusty fanny pack for another coin, and closed my eyes as I tossed yet another coin over my shoulder. I smiled because I knew the Universe and all the spirits of my Italian ancestry were listening.
This is really good and you're a good writer BUT:
Find a tense and stick with it. This one jumped around all over the place. I never knew where you were.
Watch the extravagant vocabulary. Some of it doesn't fit. Just use words you normally use when you write.
I just think your essay is lack of several important sentences which can link the preceding paragraph. If you do so, it will be much more tense.]
Hope this help.
thank you!
I know, it is hard keeping a tense because it goes back to a certain point two years ago, then earlier then that, then it jumps to after the point happened, leading up to the trip two years ago.
i really don't know what tense to use!
and do you have any example where a word doesn't work? because I honestly didn't think extravagant vocab was a problem (except for extravaganza - but i don't know what other word to put there) and I would like to understand what you mean clearer.
@mao - where would you suggest? (Generally which paragraphs?)
do you think that the essay is cheesy/cliche ?
any other suggestions? how to improve it's impact..etc?
i need this to be out of this world for Brown.
Of course no. It's really a good topic, very impressive. Besides, it expresses you very well.
However, the problem is your writing skill. Generally, it's pretty good.
How to improve? Well, I can't come up with any idea.But I can figure out the weaker point.
So I geared up to become the best tourist Italy had ever welcomed - complete with journal, camera, mini-dictionary and sunscreen.
The sun tingled my skin as I strolled along Rome's ancient, cobblestoned roads that dated back to the time of the Roman Empire.
longed to do something significant with my life; to make a difference in the world I live in just as the Romans had.
I came home a changed and inspired person, as if my Italian heritage, with all its stubborn determination, had been awakened in me from my visit to the homeland of my ancestors.
Sorry, I know I don't make a help.
first, i think the first graph should be in past tense?
then, in second paragraph, i don't know "extravaganza" very much but i think it might be inappropriate, meaning extravagant entertainment show. suggest you to look up in dictionary again...
and, in 4th para.. the "is essential to becoming " i think should be "essential to become"?
last, the last sentence "I smiled because I knew the Universe (and all the spirits of my Italian ancestry) was listening." is a little bit stupid... i suggest you to delete the bracket, and change it to "the universe, including my Italian ancestry was listening." or something better and smarter.
these are details...
when all comes to all, i agree with Maojia. and, in a word, i like your essay very much and i admire you have foreign background. try to be concise and this essay would be great
best lucks!
thank you everyone!
I will make changes to it when I get home from school and post it again.
does the 3 paragraph make sense? i'm worried it doesn't potray the message right.
I tried to make it more concise. but it was proven hard to do without losing meaning. any tips? also, I know my tenses are still off. i think i'll give it to my english teacher to proof. anyway, here it goes..
